Sadly I didn’t make my music video in time to catapult myself to fame early enough to make the cast of the upcoming season of DWTS, but don’t worry, I haven’t given up hope yet. You know who did make the Season 14 lineup? You don’t? Ok, I’ll tell you.
At first glance, the list looks a little ho-hum: Jack Wagner, Melissa Gilbert, Sherri Shepherd, Jaleel White, Martina Navratilova, Maria Menounos, Gladys Knight, Katherine Jenkins, Roshon Fegan, Donald Driver, Gavin DeGraw and William Levy. Some of these people I’ve never heard of. But I think the key to this season is going to be the pairings, which were made for good television:
Melissa Gilbert and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: I give it three hours before Maks makes Melissa cry. Except that I think Melissa may be a little more tough-minded than Hope Solo, and we’re going to see her one up Maks in the middle of the season.
Martina Navratilova and Tony Dovolani: Martina is going to be a terrible dancer, but coachable, so Tony is going to have to be super passive aggressive and grind his teeth a lot, because he can’t outwardly get mad at someone for trying their best. I say they go early.
Maria Menounos and Derek Hough: Are we surprised about this? I like the Hough factor and I can appreciate what the producers are doing, but just once let’s give D-man a partner that a) the audience doesn’t find endearing or b) isn’t a perfect human specimen. Let’s see what he can do with that! These are two of my semi-finalists.
Gladys Knight and Tristan McManus: Gladys! You better be good girl, because if Tristan isn’t around for at least eight episodes, I’m writing a strongly worded letter!
William Levy and Cheryl Burke: These two will be rumored to be dating by the middle of the season. Also, William Levy was on the Real Housewives of Miami, the only person to make it out of that show actually somewhat maybe famous.
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas: These two will actually be dating by the middle of the season. Mark loves those singers!
Sherri Shepherd and Val Chmerkovskiy: I predict one of these people will punch the other in the face, but I’m not confident in saying which one it will be.
Jaleel White and Kym Johnson: This is my frontrunner couple! I know the entire Urkel Dance and I love Kym. We all know Jaleel White has the moves to make it to the finals, let’s just hope America has a sense of nostalgia! These are my winners!
The rest of the pairings are as follows: Jack Wagner and Anna Trebunskaya, Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd, Gavin DeGraw and Karina Smirnoff, and Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower. I’m not impressed with the billing of any of these couples, but one or two could definitely be dark horses. Anything’s possible.
Notable pro absent: Lacey Schwimmer. I’mma miss you girl!
The 14th season of Dancing with the Stars premieres March 19th.
Click here to read more about the contestants!