Monthly Archives: April 2012

Birth Watch 2012: Jessica Simpson and Her One Baby that Will Actually Be Two

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Last year I wrote of my concern for Natalie Portman, who had gone through an entire awards season with a baby bump the size of a YMCA bag of basketballs, and had yet to give birth. Little people can’t carry around that much weight! This year, it’s Jessica Simpson who is the object of my attention, and it seems I’m not the only one mesmerized by her 12-month pregnancy – Chelsea Handler and Katy Perry have also voiced their concerns, as have Lindsey Pearse and Kate Poff, who are less famous, but just as important.

Jessica Simpson announced her pregnancy in October 2011. I believe it was Halloween and she was dressed up as a mummy, which is also British for “mommy,” so there was a play on words going on too. By my calculations, that was six-plus months ago. Generally, women don’t find out they’re pregnant until around the two-month mark. And they don’t announce it until at least the three-month mark. Add that all together and we’re right up on 40 weeks and that baby needs to come out or Jessica is going to explode.

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Space Shuttle Enterprise Flies Over Manhattan!

Just another day at the office, people.

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Called It! The Carroll-Marks Edition

Because Audrey and I consider ourselves “tastemakers” in that we always (or, you know, sometimes) are behind a trend before it gets popular, we wanted to make a list of things we “called” before everyone else in the nation. We at first wanted to entitle this list “Suck It!” but then we realized we’re adult people with jobs that we’d probably like to keep and we shouldn’t go around telling everyone to “suck it.” Some of you deserve it, but we’re not going to name names. We’re ladies. So for a few hours yesterday we made a list of all the things we were up on before all of you. And here it is in its entirety. Also, we need a lot of validation.

Editor’s Note: In case you were wondering, Carroll-Marks is either the future currency of the country I’m going to create when I secede from the Union, or mine and Audrey’s future last name when we finally breakdown and have our same-sex wedding at City Hall because we’re in desperate need of Kitchen Aide appliances and knives from Williams-Sonoma. It’s patented so don’t try to steal it.

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Another Reason I Would Be A Terrible Housewife

I received this lovely note from ConEdison in the mail yesterday:


The readings we’ve obtained from your gas meter for the referenced account do not show any usage. This is a matter of concern to us since you may have stopped using our gas or our meter may not be working properly.

If you are not using our gas service and do not intend to use it in the near future, the service should probably be turned off.

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Quote of the Day

Perfectly legitimate question:

“If you go crazy, can I have your Laguna Beach dvd collection?” – Ryan Harold

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It’s Here! It’s Here! The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, UES Edition

It’s totally possible that I’ve started seeing things, but this is what I stumbled upon on the corner of 83rd Street and 3rd Avenue this afternoon. Omg you guys, things just got so much better in the world!

If you know nothing about The Coffee Bean, trust me, it’s great. Yes, it’s a California import, but they make coffee drinks better than any other establishment I know (cough, Starbucks). Whatever beans they use are light and sweet – well, I only get the ice-blended drinks, which are basically milkshakes, so what do I know…but try it anyway!

The inside looked completely set up, but these awnings were just being hung, and I can’t find the location on a Google map or on The Coffee Bean website. Hopefully this isn’t just a mirage. Viva Coffee Bean UES!

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No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn

No, I’m not just using these lyrics as a headline because they have the word “Brooklyn” in them. I actually haven’t been sleeping. For like a month. Usually because I’m having crazy dreams. I don’t exactly know why this is happening, but I’ve narrowed it down to three possible culprits:

1) My job
2) My new apartment
3) The fact that I’ve been watching approx. five episodes of The West Wing a night and all of the campaigning and legislating and walking has put me at a very high anxiety level.

It’s one of these three things.

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KISS and Leather: It’s Rock Week on Dancing with the Stars!

So I missed last week’s recap but this is what happened: Jaleel White went all kinds of crazy and the judges handed out the first 10s! It was also “Personal Story Week” and I was a whole mess of tears. Seriously, I cried for two hours. It was terrible. But I got it together. I’m no sissy.

This is “Rock Week” and as we speak KISS is performing. But with all that makeup, I’m not totally sure it’s the original band. Did ABC only shell out for a cover band? Also, all the dancers performing right now just look like mimes. Not rock ‘n roll. In fact, this show has a very weird take on rock, and it’s basically this: one part black leather, three parts eye makeup, five parts no shirts, 11 parts hair extensions. Mix with 80’s classics, heavy on guitar. Shake and pour.

Oh, Lord. What is Brooke wearing? It’s like someone slit open a tire and made it into a halter.

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Photo of the Day

I love getting picture texts from family members that bring back horrible flashes of my childhood: RJ Turnbull, Friday, April 6, 9:09 AM EST: “Does this bring back scary memories to anyone or is it just me?”

We may be adults. Some of us may be married and on our way to having children of our own. But the dark shadow of an enraged Denny Carroll still hangs over us. Everyone knows you don’t eat Coach Carroll’s Cheez-its. Especially during camp week.

You know who you are.

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Filed under About Me, The Crazy People I Call My Own, The Funny Thing About Family Is That You'll Always Be Related, WORST Things Ever

The College Basketball Season is Officially Over

The one bad thing about the Final Four/NCAA National Championship Monday (other than Kentucky winning, ugh) is that once it’s over, we have to wait eight whole months before the next season. I’m assuming this is why God gave us the Masters and Easter Sunday day-drinking. I’m assuming.

I’ve been reading a lot about people thinking that maybe this year’s tournament was ho-hum. I could be swayed in that direction. Other than the Missouri loss, there wasn’t really a lot of in-your-face drama this time around (come on, no one should be surprised about that Duke loss to Lehigh). The rightful (possibly cheating) heir cut down the nets last night, just as they were supposed to. The Final Four matchups were a 1 vs. 4 and a 2 vs. 2. Boring. Or, you know, maybe not.

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