I’m sure it’s been said that you can tell a lot from someone by looking at their Facebook page. This is totally true. There’s no way at all that someone would be merely projecting a false outward appearance to the world to make everyone think they’re super cool, super secure, super busy and super happy with their life. Sarcasm noted.
Fortunately for all of you, my own Facebook page is pretty much like talking right to me. But on further study, that it absolutely horrifying. Do you know the kind of crazy that is going on all over my Facebook page right now?!? Well, I’m going to show you.
1. Movie poster quotes for the unscripted/unproduced Mighty Ducks 4: Return of the Quack: Basically I think there needs to be another installment of the Mighty Ducks franchise, and I think I should be picked to write it because I have a lot of ideas and views and basically the entire story written out in my head. Since 2007. “Charlie was the real Minnesota Miracle Man.” #mightyducks4movieposters. This is how you create hype.
2. A screenshot of the Us Weekly iPhone App, where the headline says “Jessica Simpson ‘Determined’ and ‘Excited’ to Drop Baby: My common sense is telling me that the next word of that line is “Weight,” but my common sense is also telling me that you MUST check what you publish on ALL of your platforms. Then again, my common sense is kind of trying to tell me that J. Simp could very possibly want to drop her baby.
3. A picture of notes from my college roommates that I’ve been hoarding for at least six years: I was cleaning this week and found a Christmas card and a Post-it note from two of my college roommates that were just simply adorable. Six years and 11 moves later and I still held on to those suckers. Why throw anything out when it could be worth a Facebook post and some likes in the future?
4. Videos of Call Me Maybe parodies: It could be said that I am single-handedly continuing the Call Me Maybe craze. It could also be said that I parodied it first. Oh no wait, it was said. By me.
5. The trailer for Mindy Kaling’s new FOX show: Mindy gets drunk at a wedding, insults the groom, who she dated, steals a bike, falls into a pool and gets arrested. But she’s a doctor! With handsome other doctors! And Richard Schiff is a gynecologist! This show is going to strike ratings gold.
6. A picture of the paper towel roll that hangs over my gas stove/pre-evidence to the apartment building fire I am destined to ignite: Just talking about this makes me nervous, but the one saving grace is that I rarely cook, so the chance of a flame reaching any kind of paper product is probably minimal. That’s right! My lack of culinary prowess has finally come in handy! I always did well when the firefighters came to school and taught us about “stop, drop and roll.” They also handed out rulers. It was such a great day.
7. A video of my godson singing songs from Newsies: There is a real chance that I am subconsciously trying to make my godson gay. There’s also a chance it’s not subconscious.
8. A shared article from Boston College Athletics about a BC baseball coach who has been diagnosed with ALS: The first legitimate thing on my Facebook wall and it’s eight posts deep. I am such a terrible human being. Do everything you can to fund charities, raise money for disease research and give back to your community. And then post about it, because it’s important for people to see other people doing good deeds. The More You Know.
9. Christopher Walken reading from Where the Wild Things Are: There are two people in this world that could read anything and make it funny: Christopher Walken and Tracy Morgan. I pretty much hear everything in one of their voices. This is why I’m always stifling a Church giggle. When you get a chance, print out the lyrics to Pittbull’s Give Me Everything and read it silently as Christopher Walken. Then print out the Declaration of Independence and read it as Tracy Morgan. It’s what our forefather’s would have wanted.
10. More video parodies of Call Me Maybe: I have to make sure someone coming to my wall can spot it easily. So I just keep posting them. I can’t stop!
11. A bottle of Hawaiian Tropic cooling gel and a note stating it’s the “pale person’s official start to summer…” Every pale person knows the first sign of summer for us is the first intense sunburn. It’s like we can’t learn from past mistakes. Like we can’t understand that we need to carry around SPF 87 with us AT ALL TIMES. So we have an abundant supply of aloe. It’s like the morning-after pill for sunburns.
12. A post from a friend of mine telling me that empanadas are being served at a party she’s working, a few hours after I told you all that people were killing people and cooking them into empanadas: “You should tell the people you’re serving the story. Great dinner party conversation. Also a good way to gauge whether or not they’re serial killers.”
13. Another post about Jessica Simpson and her baby, because I’m obsessed: There’s really no other explanation other than I’m fascinated at how long she was able to stay pregnant. And I apparently discussed it with everyone because it dominated by FB wall, texts and the blog for weeks.
14. Mark Titus’ USA! YouTube playlist, which includes a scene from D2: Mighty Ducks, Whitney Houston’s performance of the National Anthem at the Superbowl, Bill Clinton refusing to admit he had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, and Hulk Hogan vs. The Iron Sheik: If you don’t like this playlist, then the terrorists win.
15. A picture of Hillary Clinton talking to Tupac: Hillary Clinton knows the whereabouts of Tupac, she has access to the nuke codes, and she probably ordered the bin Laden kill shot. Why is she not president again? Oh right, because she doesn’t give a damn what we think about her hair.
16. A picture of Kate Middleton in her wedding dress: I mean, every Facebook wall should have one.