Manhattanhenge 2011. Photo courtesy of Gothamist.

So I’ve never experienced this before, but I think it will be pretty cool.

If you’re in New York City tonight at sunset, watch as “the setting Sun aligns precisely with the Manhattan street grid, creating a radiant glow of light across Manhattan’s brick and steel canyons,” according to Hayden Planetarium. This phenomenon, known to us as Mahattanhenge, is kind of like Stonehenge in the U.K., where the “Sun rises in perfect alignment with several of the stones, signaling the change of season.” Except, you know, I’m pretty sure ours is a fluke.

The planetarium recommends viewers show up roughly 30 minutes before sunset, which they forecast will be at 8:17pm tonight. Cross-streets offering optimal viewing are “14th, 23rd, 34th, 42nd, 57th, and several streets adjacent to them. The Empire State building and the Chrysler building render 34th street and 42nd streets especially striking vistas.”

If you miss out on tonight’s solar show, there will be another Manhattanhenge on July 12th. And it is also noted that tomorrow’s sunset should be quite similar to tonight’s.

To read more about Manhattanhenge, visit the planetarium’s website here, and I’ll see you tonight at sunset!

Ugh. I don’t even like seeing it on the page. Also, what is “fake” mayo?

There are definitely days in my life where nothing too extraordinary happens, and I tend to fall into a lull of security, thinking that maybe we’ve turned a corner, and a sense of normalcy in my life will reign forever. Then, something happens to remind me that normal will never be in the cards. There will never be a time when things aren’t utterly ridiculous. The crazy will always be following me. Case and point, an email I received yesterday:

Hey Kelly,

I found your email from your blog NoMad Blogger. I was reading an article you had written about a year ago. The article was titled “Good Riddance Burger King King!”. In the article you briefly mentioned your fear of white condiments. It was this minor detail that I wanted to expand on.

I am currently working on a documentary series and was wondering if you would be willing to share more information about this irrational fear of yours. Any information shared would be kept confidential and would be greatly appreciated.

What I’m trying to figure out is:

1. How severe would you say your fear is? Is it a phobia, or simply a strong dislike?

2. What happens at the sight of a white condiment?

3. Is there a condiment that produces the worst reaction?

4. Any other information you feel may be important or interesting.

If you would like to discuss this further over the phone please provide a number with the best time and day to be reached.

Thank you for your time and hope to hear from you again.

I’ve refrained from mentioning this production assistant’s name because he seems very earnest and I know he’s just doing his job, but I can promise you that this is a legitimate request and his company makes actual television shows that you’ve heard of. I’d like to say hi to him if he’s reading this – What up, homie?

Clearly I denied the request, mostly because my fear of white condiments is not as severe as say, someone’s addiction on My Strange Addiction might be, but also because I do not want to become the Snookie of TLC shows about people’s weirdness. Those shows freak me out. There was one where a guy made out with his car. This is not how I want to get famous. This will not land me a spot on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.

However, my friends were really pushing that I accept this request. Here are some of their replies:

Rebekah: This is how you become famous – jumping on every opportunity. Had Kathy Griffin taught you nothing?! There’s only one question left: how bad do you want it?

Mo: You have to be in it to win it! Kate Gosselin started on TLC, and she was on Dancing with the Stars (right?).

Katie: How severe would you say your fear is? Is it a phobia, or simply a strong dislike? – All of the above? But I would note that it is strong enough to affect social situations. What happens at the sight of a white condiment? – Overwhelming nausea and general heebie-jeebie-like symptoms. Is there a condiment that produces the worst reaction? – MAYO OBVI Any other information you feel may be important or interesting. – POCKETS FOR SNACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kelly: hahahahha this would ONLY happen to you, Kelly Carroll!! And yes, you have to do it!

Todd: reply! i want to see you on tv talking about this irrational fear of yours! maybe they will offer you therapy then we can all eat mayonnaise together

Editor’s Note: I’m disturbed by Todd’s request to eat mayonnaise with me because we’ve been friends for almost 15 years and I’ve never known him to want to eat mayonnaise in a group. If I had, things may have gone incredibly different for us.

So, this has now been two requests for me to appear on television discussing things I talk about on my blog. The first, was about me being 28 and moving back in with my parents. The second was my irrational fear of mayo. Had they both come to fruition, I’m 99% sure they would have led to me getting a date. Because who wouldn’t want all of this?

Here’s to a lifetime of bizarre emails. Thank you.

I’m sure it’s been said that you can tell a lot from someone by looking at their Facebook page. This is totally true. There’s no way at all that someone would be merely projecting a false outward appearance to the world to make everyone think they’re super cool, super secure, super busy and super happy with their life. Sarcasm noted.

Fortunately for all of you, my own Facebook page is pretty much like talking right to me. But on further study, that it absolutely horrifying. Do you know the kind of crazy that is going on all over my Facebook page right now?!? Well, I’m going to show you.

1. Movie poster quotes for the unscripted/unproduced Mighty Ducks 4: Return of the Quack: Basically I think there needs to be another installment of the Mighty Ducks franchise, and I think I should be picked to write it because I have a lot of ideas and views and basically the entire story written out in my head. Since 2007. “Charlie was the real Minnesota Miracle Man.” #mightyducks4movieposters. This is how you create hype.

2. A screenshot of the Us Weekly iPhone App, where the headline says “Jessica Simpson ‘Determined’ and ‘Excited’ to Drop Baby: My common sense is telling me that the next word of that line is “Weight,” but my common sense is also telling me that you MUST check what you publish on ALL of your platforms. Then again, my common sense is kind of trying to tell me that J. Simp could very possibly want to drop her baby.

3. A picture of notes from my college roommates that I’ve been hoarding for at least six years: I was cleaning this week and found a Christmas card and a Post-it note from two of my college roommates that were just simply adorable. Six years and 11 moves later and I still held on to those suckers. Why throw anything out when it could be worth a Facebook post and some likes in the future?

4. Videos of Call Me Maybe parodies: It could be said that I am single-handedly continuing the Call Me Maybe craze. It could also be said that I parodied it first. Oh no wait, it was said. By me.

5. The trailer for Mindy Kaling’s new FOX show: Mindy gets drunk at a wedding, insults the groom, who she dated, steals a bike, falls into a pool and gets arrested. But she’s a doctor! With handsome other doctors! And Richard Schiff is a gynecologist! This show is going to strike ratings gold.

6. A picture of the paper towel roll that hangs over my gas stove/pre-evidence to the apartment building fire I am destined to ignite: Just talking about this makes me nervous, but the one saving grace is that I rarely cook, so the chance of a flame reaching any kind of paper product is probably minimal. That’s right! My lack of culinary prowess has finally come in handy! I always did well when the firefighters came to school and taught us about “stop, drop and roll.” They also handed out rulers. It was such a great day.

7. A video of my godson singing songs from Newsies: There is a real chance that I am subconsciously trying to make my godson gay. There’s also a chance it’s not subconscious.

8. A shared article from Boston College Athletics about a BC baseball coach who has been diagnosed with ALS: The first legitimate thing on my Facebook wall and it’s eight posts deep. I am such a terrible human being. Do everything you can to fund charities, raise money for disease research and give back to your community. And then post about it, because it’s important for people to see other people doing good deeds. The More You Know.

9. Christopher Walken reading from Where the Wild Things Are: There are two people in this world that could read anything and make it funny: Christopher Walken and Tracy Morgan. I pretty much hear everything in one of their voices. This is why I’m always stifling a Church giggle. When you get a chance, print out the lyrics to Pittbull’s Give Me Everything and read it silently as Christopher Walken. Then print out the Declaration of Independence and read it as Tracy Morgan. It’s what our forefather’s would have wanted.

10. More video parodies of Call Me Maybe: I have to make sure someone coming to my wall can spot it easily. So I just keep posting them. I can’t stop!

11. A bottle of Hawaiian Tropic cooling gel and a note stating it’s the “pale person’s official start to summer…” Every pale person knows the first sign of summer for us is the first intense sunburn. It’s like we can’t learn from past mistakes. Like we can’t understand that we need to carry around SPF 87 with us AT ALL TIMES. So we have an abundant supply of aloe. It’s like the morning-after pill for sunburns.

12. A post from a friend of mine telling me that empanadas are being served at a party she’s working, a few hours after I told you all that people were killing people and cooking them into empanadas: “You should tell the people you’re serving the story. Great dinner party conversation. Also a good way to gauge whether or not they’re serial killers.”

13. Another post about Jessica Simpson and her baby, because I’m obsessed: There’s really no other explanation other than I’m fascinated at how long she was able to stay pregnant. And I apparently discussed it with everyone because it dominated by FB wall, texts and the blog for weeks.

14. Mark Titus’ USA! YouTube playlist, which includes a scene from D2: Mighty Ducks, Whitney Houston’s performance of the National Anthem at the Superbowl, Bill Clinton refusing to admit he had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, and Hulk Hogan vs. The Iron Sheik: If you don’t like this playlist, then the terrorists win.

15. A picture of Hillary Clinton talking to Tupac: Hillary Clinton knows the whereabouts of Tupac, she has access to the nuke codes, and she probably ordered the bin Laden kill shot. Why is she not president again? Oh right, because she doesn’t give a damn what we think about her hair.

16. A picture of Kate Middleton in her wedding dress: I mean, every Facebook wall should have one.

So this “Call Me Maybe” phenomenon has more juice in it than I first expected. First Bieber, than me and my friends, then Katy Perry and James Franco, and now the Harvard baseball team is on board! No one can resist it!

Since you all are clearly calling for more, I’ve decided to give you a behind the scenes look at our video shoot (I’m also milking this for blog hits). From the very serious choreography of Brett Turnbull and Mychala Coughlin to the ridiculous light stick hats belonging to Biz Inc., I could not love these videos more. There’s also an appearance by Scout Ankeles! If only all of this could have made it into the final version!

So enjoy this peek into the making of our video!

Saw this trailer on Good Morning America yesterday and I got the chills. So did George Snuffleupagus. He said so. Josh Elliot did not, probably because he was too busy thinking about his date with Kelly Bensimon. Wrong Kelly, Josh!

Anyway, Ben Affleck’s new flick deals with the Iranian Hostage Crisis which was resolved in the early 1980s. Apparently, this film focuses on hostages that were able to escape and hide out in the Canadian Embassy. And Ben Affleck has to figure out how to get them out of there before they are discovered. Natch. Whitey Bulger is involved somehow…oh no, that’s not this movie.

Little known fact: when the Iranian hostages were rescued, their first trip back to the States concluded in Highland Falls and West Point, and it’s how Highland Falls became known as “Hometown USA.” There are some great pictures of my parents in all their early-80s puffy jacket glory welcoming the hostages home. I think there are aviator sunglasses and skull caps involved too. I love early-80s Jeanie and Den. I’ll try and dig up those pictures for everyone’s viewing pleasure next time I’m home. In the meantime, we’ll just have to do with Ben, John Goodman, Bryan Cranston and the rest of this extraordinary cast.

So Audrey and I were innocently discussing the new Pizza Hut Crown Crust pizza via gchat on Wednesday. While not discussing matters of national security, we’re usually talking about other really important things, like Crown Crust pizza, Mark Titus, weaves, the Mighty Ducks movie franchise, Whitney Houston and Keurig coffee makers. We talked about all of these things Wednesday, in fact. Anyway, Crown Crust pizza was the second most disgusting thing I had heard of this week, and I decided to tell Audrey all about the first most disgusting thing:

me: somewhere in like, south america they were killing people and putting the people into fast food
Audrey: what
beat what
beat what
me: yeah
Audrey: omg
beat what
me: it’s a real thing

Anytime we make outlandish statements such as this, we have to back it up with evidence. If Audrey says her hair is in a polygamous marriage-type braid, she has to send a picture of it. If I say I’ve recently become a doctor, I have to send a picture of my ID badge with the word volunteer crossed out and M.D. written in. Faith is fine, but proof is proof. This time though, I could not find the horrible cannibalism story I was throwing around as fact. To Google, my friends!

I did about 52 searches on my work computer that I’m fairly certain someone is checking as we speak. I’ll either be monitored for a probationary period or immediately asked to leave. I’m neutral on both of these choices. But this is what the IT department is dealing with:

human remains in fast food
bones in fast food
south american couple murder, food
body in a burrito
bones in a burrito
bones in a taco
humans in tacos
murder, remains in food
etc.
etc.

Shockingly, none of this resulted in a match. I started to think I had dreamt it. And then I started to think that I’ve actually jumped off the deep end. I’ve had some pretty effed up dreams before, but they’re usually more vivid, and they’re never about such a horrible demise, unless it’s my own. And the night before I dreamt that I was Kate Middleton. So this would have been extremely different and much less British.

Of course, this wasn’t something I could let go. So I decided to ask my co-workers. Do you know how this question goes over in an office – “Did you hear about those people who were killing people and then putting them in fast food and making other people eat the people?” It doesn’t go over well. I retreated back to my cubicle to literally start counting the seconds until I was asked to leave the building without taking my belongings. But in the meantime, one more Google search! And this time it was the right one:

“humans eating humans”

And behold! This is the story I was searching for:

A Brazilian couple has been accused of luring women into their home via an ad for a nanny, then killing them and using their bodies to fill empanadas. The couple, plus the man’s mistress (all three of whom are obsessed with “the purification of the world and the reduction of its population”), then sold these people-stuffed pastries to hapless, unsuspecting neighbors, meaning a bunch of Brazilians are now inadvertent cannibals. – Grub Street

Proof I’m not crazy, but proof that humanity as a whole is going way, way downhill.

So now that I’ve shared this gem with Audrey and completely horrified her (and by relation, totally ruined Crown Crust pizza for her), we’ve decided to use this story to decide whether or not other people are going to murder us. Say for instance you end up alone with someone in a parking garage in Maine with a shit-ton of wedding cake and it’s raining and you need some way to gauge the situation you’ve found yourself in. We used to casually mention that someone might “skin us and wear us as an Audrey/Kelly jacket,” and observe their reaction (completely appalled = not a killer; unmortified = killer), but now we’re going to toss around “killing us and baking us into empanadas.” Note, a bad response to this would be “I don’t bake my empanadas.”

Photo courtesy of TMZ.com

Last year I wrote of my concern for Natalie Portman, who had gone through an entire awards season with a baby bump the size of a YMCA bag of basketballs, and had yet to give birth. Little people can’t carry around that much weight! This year, it’s Jessica Simpson who is the object of my attention, and it seems I’m not the only one mesmerized by her 12-month pregnancy – Chelsea Handler and Katy Perry have also voiced their concerns, as have Lindsey Pearse and Kate Poff, who are less famous, but just as important.

Jessica Simpson announced her pregnancy in October 2011. I believe it was Halloween and she was dressed up as a mummy, which is also British for “mommy,” so there was a play on words going on too. By my calculations, that was six-plus months ago. Generally, women don’t find out they’re pregnant until around the two-month mark. And they don’t announce it until at least the three-month mark. Add that all together and we’re right up on 40 weeks and that baby needs to come out or Jessica is going to explode.

In the case of most long-term pregnancies, it usually turns out that the person in question wasn’t really pregnant that long, and it was all in my mind (Jennifer Garner, Selma Blair). It just seemed like a long time. But if everything I just said above is correct, and if Jessica realized she was pregnant like, right after conception, and announced it only shortly after, we’re still looking at eight-months here, and that’s if everything was done immediately, which would be crazy.

So basically what I’m saying is that I think we need to stage a baby intervention and just have someone go in and take that baby out. It’s disgusting and probably not all that fun, but when lives are in danger you can’t just sit idly by and watch. The woman is having pregnancy nightmares for crying out loud! For the sake of Jessica, we must do something.

Editor’s Note: In case you were wondering, Carroll-Marks is either the future currency of the country I’m going to create when I secede from the Union, or mine and Audrey’s future last name when we finally breakdown and have our same-sex wedding at City Hall because we’re in desperate need of Kitchen Aide appliances and knives from Williams-Sonoma. It’s patented so don’t try to steal it.

1) Rob Delaney: So I was watching the second episode of Girls this week and Hannah makes a joke about date rape during an interview, and it cost her the job. Similarly, I made a joke about Rob Delaney at a job interview, and, since Rob Delaney’s humor is the equivalent of date rape, I’m pretty sure it cost me my job. However, yesterday, New York magazine had a “Meet Rob Delaney” post and now I want to send it to the company I interviewed for with a Post-It note that just says “now you’re missing all of this!”

2) Whitney Houston’s Demise: Five years ago Audrey and I sat in a dorm room on Connecticut Avenue NW in Washington, DC and discussed Whitney Houston. While I do a perfect impression of Kathy Griffin doing an impression of Whitney, the general tone of the conversation was “this isn’t going to end well.” Obviously, a lot of people had the same sentiment. But I’m just saying, Audrey and I were right there with it. Editor’s Note: I’m fairly certain my future claim to fame will be doing impressions of people doing impressions. As mentioned above, I already do Kathy doing Whitney, Harry Connick, Jr. doing Bing Crosby, and Christopher Walken doing Pitbull. It will also be a great segue into the creation of my future band, which will only do cover songs of famous cover songs, i.e. a cover of the Fugees’ cover of Bob Marley’s “No Woman No Cry.” These are goldmine ideas, people.

3) The Snackman on the Subway being a Ladiesman: So you’ve all seen the video – there was this young guy on the 6 train who broke up a fight between some dude and some girl who was weirdly kicking him. Through it all, the Snackman continued to enjoy the chips he was eating pre-fight. Internet sensation. I saw the video and I immediately decided that this person needed to be my husband, because he equally values chivalry and snacks. And then the Daily News published an article saying he’s become quite the ladies’ man around New York City. Obviously, what girl wouldn’t want this prize?

4) Call Me Maybe: I mean, the video speaks for itself.

5) Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on the UES: So I love the Bean, and I innocently walked by their new location on 83rd and 3rd a few weekends ago. I blogged about it on April 14. The other New York blogs didn’t do it until at least two days later. I’m not insinuating anything but they should really hire me.

6) The DressSweatshirt/The Bill Belichick Sweatshirt: I was drunk one night and came up with this awesome idea for a dress that was a sweatshirt. The comfort of your sweats in an adorable dress style? How could this go wrong? In comes American Apparel. But do they know the DressSweatshirt dance/song/sound effects? They do not.

Similarly, Audrey started wearing Bill Belichick-style sweatshirts that she bought from Target like four years ago for $6. No one believed her that this was a real thing that was going to catch on, mostly because Bill Belichick looks terrible in this sweatshirt and Audrey isn’t on TV as much as he is (which is a shame in its own right). Cut-off sweatshirts are now all the rage. Game. Set. Point, Audrey.

7) Jeremy Lin and Linsanity: As a young and simple-minded student, I got the chance to see J. Lin play against Boston College, and quite frankly, rip my alma mater to shreds. In New England, he was known as the Asian Michael Jordan, which is not the most inventive name ever. But like pretty much everything, he came to New York City and became more awesome. I spent that entire week of Linsanity (maybe a week and a half) acting jaded and telling people they shouldn’t be surprised and listing all of the attributes he has that made this whole thing “bound to happen.” They need me on Around the Horn.

8) How I Knew Exactly What Kate Middleton’s Wedding Dress Was Going to Look Like: This is fact and it happened on Easter 2011 and I have no proof because everyone was too drunk at the time to remember what I said. But someone mentioned that they thought K. Mid’s dress was going to be strapless, and I shot that down with a “hells to the no,” and went on to describe – in detail – the lace, the sleeves, the deep V-neck, her hair, her tiara, her veil and the bustle in the back. It was probably the exact feeling people got when they were inspired to write the Bible. No. It definitely was.

9) All Things Tupac Related: So first of all, that Tupac hologram, I’m certain, was actually footage that was filmed recently and projected onto a screen at Coachella. Sure. Of. It. I’ve been studying the Tupac and Biggie murder cases since approximately 2000 and I can tell that shit is not what it seems (I also may have spent an entire work week going through the FBI files on Biggie’s murder when they were released last year). Even more suspect, Suge Knight was telling people a few days ago that he paid someone $3 million to cremate Tupac’s body, and he never actually saw the body after Tupac was alleged to have passed. So, first, who pays someone $3 million to cremate a body? That sounds incredibly extreme. And second, Tupac walks among us. I have no doubt.

10) Pretty Little Liars Being Awesome: Audrey and I are fairly certain that PLL is be the best show on television. I said so here. However, we cannot for the life of us figure out how this show ended up on ABCFamily. There is like, weird child pornography undertones, and secret love-children and possibly incest and add to that teenage bullying and people going blind and other people ending up in mental hospitals. But, entertainment is entertainment, so you must watch!

11) Jason Segel: Audrey Marks has loved Jason Segel since basically birth. Ok, more like his Freaks and Geeks days. She wants to have his (inevitably) gigantic babies. She doesn’t mind that he likes puppets and wears capes. But now the world has noticed him, and he’s begun dating Michelle Williams. We need to un-make that happen.

12)Ryan Gosling: Ok, I liked Ryan Gosling right out of the gate when he was a junior member of the Mickey Mouse Club and I was like five. Then he went on to do some very artistic work on a little show called Breaker High which was about high school students who take classes on a yacht and was on UPN before it merged with WPIX to become the CW. I’m pretty sure they used the same beach/outdoor sets as Saved by the Bell, like where all the palm trees where clearly cardboard and the birds were painted on the back wall. Ryan Gosling also sported a sweet bowl cut which was fine because it was the 90s and boys and girls alike had bowl cuts and now we talk about how awful it was and that’s how we get to know each other. Hey, girl.

(I did not call that Justin Timberlake would be this famous. So, like, I recognize my limitations. Note to self, overalls always distract from true talent.)