It’s Back! Your Dancing with the Stars Recap

O.M.G. I can’t believe DWTS is finally back! And I really think I’m gonna like this cast – Baby from Dirty Dancing. Audrina from The Hills. The Situation. The Hoff. Florence Henderson! I mean, the list goes on and on. I still haven’t totally decided who I want to win, but I’m thinking Jennifer Grey, only because “no one puts Baby in the corner.” Seriously. They just don’t.

Tonight’s dances are the Cha-cha-cha and the Viennese Waltz. I really don’t like the Viennese Waltz. At all. But the Cha-cha-cha is my favorite dance of all. That, and the PASO Doble (emphasis on the Paso).

First off – what is Brooke Burke wearing? Put some clothes on Brooke. Seriously. I can see all of your boobs. And Lacey is blonde! And Bristol Palin is wearing a suit and tie. I know she didn’t want to go sexy, but please. That’s bizarre. Ahhhh! Here we go!

Audrina Patridge, Cha-cha-cha: So ABC is kind of filming Audrina’s practices like The Hills and it’s kind of funny. She looks amazing. And I think she’s gonna do awesome. She’s sassy – the judges are gonna love her. And it looks like she’s got the footwork down pat. I wonder if her scary sister with all the tats is in the audience. The judges have good critiques. I think they’re impressed.

Score: 6, 7, 6 (A little low, but for the first ones not bad at all)

Kurt Warner, Viennese Waltz: Let’s face it, Anna got robbed last season dancing with Evan Lysacek. She deserves a Mirror Ball trophy. But Kurt Warner is a little doofy. And a tad bit odd. He’s spinning well, and moving kind of gracefully. Ok, maybe not. He’s doing a weird thing when he steps out, kind of like he’s hiding behind a tree and jumping out in front of someone. But his spins are really nice. And he’s clearly strong. Not a bad showing. Bruno says he has great potential. Len hated it. Obvi. Kurt’s wife is going to storm the judges’ stand. She was Marine. Represent.

Score: 7, 5, 7

Kyle Massey, Cha-cha-cha: I don’t mind Kyle Massey, but I don’t enjoy his shows. That’s so Raven is no Hannah Montana, I gotta be honest. Lacey’s leg warmers are hurting my eyes. Oh, he’s kind of adorable. And intense. Yes! 3OH! and Ke$ha – great song! Lacey is such a performer, this might be a great pair. Carrie Ann is going crazy at the judges table! And they pretty much just made out on the dance floor. Ok, new favorite right there! Standing ovation!! Carrie Ann: “I think I just fell in love.” Even Len liked it.

Score: 8, 7, 8 (sooo high for the first night!)

Rick Fox, Viennese Waltz: Something about Rick Fox really bothers me. I don’t know what it is, I really don’t know anything about him. He was married to Vanessa Williams right? I could be wrong about that. But he’s got Cheryl for a partner, so I guess I’m gonna have to root for him. Cheryl keeps complaining that Rick’s so tall. But all of her partners are athletes. How different could this be? Oh geez, he’s sexy. And he makes Cheryl look like a midget. She just went under his legs without bending down. No just kidding. He’s not doing much, but he’s graceful, and strong in his hold. Hmmm, should be interesting. Eliza Dushku in the audience – I still think it’s weird that they are dating.

Score: 8, 7, 7 (hmmm, I didn’t think that was as great as Kyle’s, but they were also very different dances)

Margaret Cho: She makes me nervous. Very nervous. And her partner is Louis. Who also makes me nervous. Oh. Lord. How do these people not know that DWTS is hard? Everyone has a life-altering experience here. We all know this. She’s moving a little too fast for herself. And now she’s wrapped up in her skirt. I’m not sure if that was on purpose or not. She spun a lot. And I think has potential. But she kind of fooled around and made a joke of it, and I think Len is gonna be PISSED. Bruno said it was like the Last Airbenders. I think that’s a diss. I agree. It was weird and terrible.

Score: 5, 5, 5 (lowest so far)

By the way, Brooke’s being very passive aggressive tonight.

Brandy, Viennese Waltz: If I were Maks, I would be scared of Brandy. She’s not Erin Andrews. She’ll smack him. For reals. I like her bangs. I’m glad we’re rid of the Moesha hair. She’s doing good! I want her to perform to “The Boy is Mine.” And pretend-fight with Bristol. That would be great. That was very pretty and graceful. She spins really well. But it was also kind of blah. Ray J. sighting! Remember when they were on Punk’d together and she really thought it was possible that he had weapons or something in the back of their car? A “fabulous” from Len!

Score: 7, 8, 8

Bristol Palin, Cha-cha-cha: So Bristol’s celebrity title is “teen advocate.” I’m an advocate for myself…does that get me on DWTS? My mom actually asked recently if I could become a teen mother so I too could be on the show. Sure, just one problem – you can’t be a teen mother if you’re 26. Then you’re just a single mom. “Mama Told Me Not to Come,” interesting song. I pretty much love Mark Ballas. And I’m loving his new shaved head. Nice choice. He makes Bristol shimmy a lot. I don’t know about that. She’s a lot bigger then him…he must be tiny. I think she’s got a chance, she just needs to get over the nerves. “This is virgin territory for you.” Nice pun Bruno.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Brooke needs to seriously chillax: “Bristol, 4 weeks ago you were just a receptionist in Alaska…” ugh. I’m mad at her.

Florence Henderson, Cha-cha-cha: Ugh. Florence is talking about being hot and sexy at her age. I don’t need that. She wants to be spanked by Len. Please stop the madness. Now she’s cursing. And talking about dominatrix. Uncomfortable. But seriously, her body is better than mine, so I can’t hate. I like her costume. I would wear that out. Oh, it was kind of bad, but kind of adorable at the same time. Definitely a better performance than Cloris.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Michael Bolton, Viennese Waltz: Don’t you want Michael Bolton’s mullet back? “I have shoes older than Chelsie.” Hahahaha. Good one MB! Chelsie always has inventive ways to get her partners to dance better. For Michael it’s the posture bar. I like her. He is clunky. But not bad. She keeps hitting him with those arm tissues on her sleeves. What are those? It looks a bit like Chelsie is dragging MB all over the dancefloor. Since the other men were so good, it’s going to be tough for Michael, I think.

Score: 6, 5, 5

Brooke literally just told Michael Bolton to stop talking because he was boring her. BROOKE!

The Situation, Cha-cha-cha: “My dancing experience pretty much consists of nights at the club…with your girlfriend.” That’s great. This is going to be silly. The Sitch is pretty much just trying to smush with Karina. He keeps doing the running man. That needs to stop immediately. He also practices in capri pants. Nice. Oh no. He just jumped off the stage. And is still kind of doing the running man. He’s got rhythm. Obviously. You can’t fist pump without it. But definitely could have used some more practice. I think he’ll get the hang of it. Len: “I’m in an awkward situation, Situation.” Also, “you got the guns but not the ammunition.” Nice. One. Len. Best comeback ever. The Sitch has a star shaved into his head. We just went back to the early 90s. His face it literally dropping by the second. I kind of feel bad for him.

Score: 5, 5, 5

Jennifer Grey, Viennese Waltz: I’m so excited about this. I’m not expecting her to be great, but I just want to root for her. “These Arms of Mine” from Dirty Dancing! Yay! Oh no, she’s crying! Probably about Patrick Swayze. That’s too bad. Oh my god it’s like watching the movie all over again! I love it! “I carried a watermelon.” Sorry, sidetracked there. It wasn’t perfect. But it was pretty. And I think people are really going to respond to Jennifer. I’m thinking fan favorite. Carrie Ann is crying. She needs meds I think. Oh, a Jive next week! Scary! Oh and now Brooke has to share Derek with Jennifer. Brooke is so possessive.

Score: 8, 8, 8 (leading score!)

David Hasselhoff, Cha-cha-cha: He’s talking about himself in third person. Already a bad start. And now we’re in Germany watching the Hoff perform. He’s a crazy person. A serious, crazy person. He’s just yelling a lot. I think Kym is scared. But her hair looks good. The Hoff is dressed like Knight Rider. He’s taking clothes off! Please stop! Well, I guess you can say he went for it. But what exactly he went for, I’m not sure. I may be scarred for life. Carrie Ann: “You remind me of the offspring of Donny Osmond and Jerry Springer.” Len: “It’s never too early to panic.” Agreed on both counts.

Score: 5, 5, 5 (I think the judges made a plan to not give lower than a 5 tonight)