Texts from this Week

So we all are very aware of Texts from Last Night, the greatest website ever to bring us random text messages from drunk (hopefully) 20-somethings up to no good on hilarious trajectories through life. Here are some examples:

(774):

just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we’re too hungover and needed to take a break.

(949):

… They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he’s in the toilet downstairs

(602):

Chapter 6 – how to lose your underwear in chicago

Obviously not as racy as TFLN, and hopefully not as alcohol-induced because a lot of them came during the workday, I decided to showcase some of the random texts, gchats and BBMs I received from my friends this week, because, for whatever reason, they were particularly inspired. Here. We. Go. Area codes may or may not have been changed to protect certain identities.

(617)
i feel like Jennifer Aniston wasn’t a horrible boss. if she was sexual harassing me i think i would be ok

(412)
omg. put me back in. forward them to me. I want back in! get me back in. I don’t want to be cut out! I promise I’ll participate. thanks kel. you’re the best

(617)

remember when natalie portman had like a 2 year pregnancy? i’m pretty sure selma blair is going on 3 years now

(412)

I typically hate the alcoholic character in shows, But that one was so well written

(202)

Just heard from the gay mafia that this guy is a member of their team. Is there now justice in this world?! give me ONE straight man in dc.

(914)
you’re being way too disney princess about this

(207)
You are clearly hysterical about this, with no amount of logic possibly prevailing

(412)
I will say thats the worst marriage proposal I’ve ever had

(914)
does the white guy in 57 have boobs?

(617)
the gay couples are cuter than the lesbian couples to me for some reason. is that weird?

(845)
I mean you hosted a premier party with Ben and Casey

(412)
oh flaking. flakking. flaking. which is it? flak-ing

(412)

I like that at a certain age and you’re single you need to actively start dressing like not a lesbian

(914)
I think my cereal has a little too much fiber in it. also, I love that you know exactly what I mean

(617)

Omg amber from teen mom is terrrrifying

(412)

I’m 98 percent sure that tech from the real world is hosting a game show on cartoon network. “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

(914)

all i can smell is bbq sauce am I having a stroke?

(401)

i was in a bad mood. i then got caught up on your blog. and i am healed.