Audrey’s Pretty Little Liars Recap: Where Have All The Good Guys Gone?

Audrey, just casually getting coffee, on your right.

Audrey, just casually getting coffee, on your right.

Let me start with this: I’m sorry. I owe you all so much more than what I’ve given. But discovered recovering from a concussion is more than just a week of naps. And my brain hasn’t been ready to really give you quality recaps you deserve. So like A, I’m back.

Last week the closing credits foreshadowed a major event in Rosewood: Aria’s mom and that guy who owns (?) The Brew are having an engagement party. (Zach owns The Brew, right?) The invitation promises us a return of a parent to Rosewood, but fear not, faithful reader. It did not do a bit of good.

So let’s recap where everyone is at:

Hanna
Due to her inability to articulate her true feelings, she’s gone hunting for answers at the bottom of a bottle. And by a bottle, I mean several liquor bottles. Her turn from high school queen to grungy, teen alcoholic has been a fulfilling storyline. But I need to know, where do Hanna and Caleb find this much alcohol? In high school, obtaining any type of booze involved either an unmonitored liquor cabinet or talking to that older guy, you know the one who has an older brother that graduated while you were in second grade and he’s still wearing his high school football shirt. They buy you mezcal and you promise to hang out with them at a later, nebulous time and place. I’m not sure how they are skirting the issue. But they are avoiding it just as strongly as Hanna is avoiding Ali. And who can blame her?

Hanna, while hammered, goes into The Brew for a tuna melt. And Zach hooks her up. And you know, wants to hook up. Hanna gets weirded out and I get it. He’s an adult and she’s an underage drunk. What’s a girl to do? When she tells Spencer and Emily, they act like they don’t believe her. Sure, Hanna has shown up drunk at her friends’ parents’ homes for nice dinners, but it’s high school. That happens (right?). But later when Zach sees her car parked outside, gets in and aggressively gives her his phone number, Hanna loses it. There is not enough whiskey, girl. So she does the sensible thing. She tells Aria. And Aria loses. Her. Shit. Basically kicks Hanna out. Ladies. Regardless of how old you are. Victim blaming is not cool. And can I throw this reality out there: IF (and this is a huge if), Hanna were sloppy, black out drunk and hit on Zach? His place, as an adult sober dude is to shut that down immediately. I got all kinds of rage growing in me after that round of victim blaming. I wanted to give Hanna a hug and take her out for a Shiner. (Give me a break, I live in Texas now.)

Aria
I get it. Aria is sensitive. She has a lot of feelings. I understand she’s dealing with being a killer, but all that hate is going to eat you up inside, Pony Boy. She still is talking to Ezra. And for the record, even if she is consenting in that situation it is statutory rape. It’s Pennsylvania. There is an age to consent. Also, what’s up with these suburban, youngish, handsome dudes chasing high school girls? Everyone say it with me: Age appropriate.

So Aria is on the hunt for clues about Bethany Young at Radley. Having stolen the notebook from Rhonda’s room, Aria has to sneak it back in (sidenote: I refuse to call her Big Rhonda. It just seems so disrespectful. We get it Aria. You’re tiny. Stop.). She gets busted and Rhonda says Bethany Young had a rich blonde lady visitor and as luck would have it, it was Jessica DeLaurentis. Rhonda says they used to go horseback riding. Clues! This must lead to something! Also, to get this information Aria bribed Rhonda with a root beer. Turns out Rhonda is diabetic. Sweet (literally).

After Hanna turns to Aria for help and Aria shows her the door, the interaction with her mom and Zach is strained. My hope is she realizes what an awful friend she is and what a lech Zach is. Also, did anyone else feel like Aria’s mom was kind of super needy/high maintenance about this engagement party? It made me uncomfortable. Like she was looking for approval. It felt a bit desperate. Just my read.

Emily
Emily got to play the absolutely freaked out sidekick as she and Spencer traveled to the stables where Mrs. D allegedly took Bethany Young. She also tried to cover up Hanna’s drunken blunder with some schtick about never going to New York. But Sidney wasn’t buying it. I have a bigger concern about Sidney. Who is she? What’s her angle? Why was she with Jenna and Mona like two episodes ago but seems to be really into Emily and eager to be her friend?

Spencer
Poor Spencer, reeling from her parents divorce, is forced to live on a fridge of Lean Cuisine’s. Wait until life post-college, sweetheart. But ever the industrious liar, she takes Aria’s tip about Mrs. D and Bethany going to a stable and goes to stake the place out. Finding a kind stable boy, she grills him for information. They find out that while at the stables Bethany had a meltdown and threw a bucket at Mrs. D at a young age. He also mentioned that Mrs. D tried to get Bethany to call her Aunt Jessica. Now the plot thickens. Why take a liking to a disturbed child, Mrs. D? Is Mrs. D somehow related to Bethany?

But before Spencer and Emily can assess what it means and apply any critical thinking, Spencer sees Melissa’s riding hat. Just the cat nip to put this feline on the prowl. So now she drags Emily back into the stables despite the stable dude’s warning of a storm brewing. So of course while they are snooping, they get locked into a barn stable next to a horse bucking against the pen. Spencer obviously gets hit in the face but manages to grab Melissa’s riding hat before they high tail it out.

Ali
No one believes Ali’s story about being kidnapped. And Lieutenant Tanner thinks that Ali’s reappearance and Shana’s death aren’t a coincidence. So Ali, ever devious, concocts a plan to stay at Hanna’s. She convinced Noel Kahn to break into the Marin house, scare Ashely, call the police and get an adult advocate. Break out the banner, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

My feeling this entire season is this: liars get new friends.

Odds & Ends
Noel Kahn is still around. What skin does he have in this game? What’s his interest in helping Ali and the liars? I don’t get this. Is he a bored trust fund kid? Also, if he is helping, why doesn’t A know that? Why isn’t A on him, blowing up his house? This seems off to me.

Toby enrolled in police academy. Let that sink in. The redeeming quality? He finally got his haircut. #PraiseJeebus. However, they are living under the delusion that Toby becoming a police officer will put an end to this madness. No. Going to the police and telling them the truth puts an end to this madness.

Christmas music being rehearsed at school would suggest a change of seasons in an otherwise static environment of Rosewood. But here is the rub, if it’s in Pennsylvania and specifically a Philadelphia suburb, how is there no rain? How is there no snow? How is there no ice? Will it magically show up next week?

Does anyone else feel like Caleb taking the exit exams is a long con? Like, here is the deal bro, if you don’t know it by now, you aren’t going to get it. My suggestion is, lay off the sauce and just go in and rock that test. Also, why is he drinking so hard? Is this like “oh I saw some stuff, man. Ravenswood.”?

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