So my uncle likes to send out hundreds of e-mails per day to everyone in our family. They usually tend toward the conservative viewpoint, and that’s putting it mildly. Last week I received a JPEG of Barney Frank in a garter belt. I don’t really want to go into it.
So when I received the following e-mail this afternoon, I should have taken more consideration to the sender. Yes, the following is completely made up. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t funny.
Butler Hoops Team Under Investigation – AP
INDIANAPOLIS–Butler’s run in the NCAA Men’s Basketball National Championship Game may be tarnished after reports surfaced today that all 13 players on the roster are being given good educations in an effort to help them find good jobs after they leave the school. “It’s important to remember that right now these are only allegations — allegations that we are looking into,” said NCAA president James Isch.
“But, obviously, if true, this would be very disappointing. The NCAA has certain expectations and standards. It’s not fair for players at one school to be given good educations while athletes at other member schools receive basic, remedial instruction that is worth essentially nothing.” According to documents seized from the school’s registrar’s office, Butler players have received an education worth $38,616 per year totaling more than $150,000 over a four-year career.
Compare that to player at a school like Kentucky , where tuition is set at $4,051 — but with an actual value far below that. “We don’t want to say too much until these reports are confirmed,” said Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari. “But we’re talking about almost $140,000 difference in education per player — and that’s even if my players stayed four years or graduated, which many of them do not. Then these Butler players are reportedly stepping into good jobs after graduation while my kids, if they don’t make the NBA, have absolutely no job prospects or life skills. It’s far from a balanced playing field. They are buying the best players by giving them a high-priced education.”
In addition to the allegations that they were given an expensive education, many Butler players have been spotted around campus holding books, studying and engaging in interesting conversations. Others have been seen with people who are known to not be tutors. Butler point guard and Kentucky native Ronald Nored, who is reportedly a secondary education major, denied allegations that the Bulldog program is cheating.
“The discourse on this matter is fatuous and inane,” he said, implicating the program further.