Name: Ray T.
Occupation: Retired police detective, unofficial gardener of other people’s lawns
Likes: Coors Light, the NY Rangers and thinking about dinner at breakfast
Dislikes: His niece Kelly (so he says)
In college I wrote a short story called “Jeanie’s Day Off.” It was (loosely) based on a story my mom used to tell me when I was little, about how her brothers, Uncle Ray included, threw her into a puddle one day on the way to school, the basic reasoning being that they would have to bring her home and could miss going to school that day.
For some reason I still can’t comprehend, Uncle Ray felt that I portrayed his character as gay. Now, I want readers to remember, these characters were children. And Uncle Ray had very little lines. So where he got the idea that his portion of the story was more Brokeback Mountain than it was a nice little parable about trying to cut corners and getting in trouble, I’ll never know.
But that’s the great thing about Uncle Ray. He teases me, and I give it right back. And even though he punched me one time when I was 11 and still hasn’t apologized for it (hello, Child Protective Services?), I really love the relationship with have.
With that said, and all in good fun, I now present The Dictionary According to Ray T.:
the trueway: (n.) the thruway
just drive at the planes: directions to the airport
shummus: (pronounced shoe-mis) hummus
bitchslapping his mother: a really bad thing
Are you an exotic dancer?: Hello. Nice to meet you.
I like you: I love you.
Congratulations to Uncle Ray. A “Guy of the Month” and a guy all his own.
Minis of the Month:
Our “Guy of the Month” award has become extremely coveted, and while I can only bestow it on one person every month, there are two young gentlemen who deserve some recognition because they’ve been campaigning for “Guy of the Month” status since August began. Spencer Ulrich and Brett Turnbull, both so different, but both equally awesome (and I should know, I just spent a week with them) are our “Minis of the Month.” I love you both. In a few more years, I promise you will finally be “Guys of the Month.” I have no doubt.