It Ain’t No Jive: Your Dancing with the Stars Recap

Can Jennifer and Derek please recreate this?

Note to self, don’t recap DWTS drunk. One of the girls from work is leaving, and we decided it would be best to have two straight days of after-work drinks to celebrate. There’s a good chance tonight’s fast dances – the Quickstep and the Jive – could make me vom. But Brooke Burke actually has clothes on tonight, so we might be ok. Here. We. Go.

Rick Fox, Jive: Dear Rick Fox, when you’re 6’7″, even camouflage clothes can’t hide you. Rick can’t do the Jive because he has an injury. I get that. But he’s going to challenge himself. So he may just hurt himself during performance. Scary! Dramz! But wearing all leather will get you points! He’s not really moving, but his footwork is good. And he definitely has rhythm. He didn’t mess up, but it wasn’t amazing. Carrie Ann thinks he is better suited to ballroom. Agreed lady! Cheryl needs someone to tell her that one of her extensions is sticking up. I love you, Cheryl.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Florence Henderson, Quickstep: She looks so pretty, I want her to stay! But the Quickstep is tough. She just gave Corky the finger, that’s how tough it is! And FloHo has a crazy slit! Her footwork is a little messed up, but her posture is amazing. And it’s a bit slowed down for the Quickstep, but she’s 76, what do you expect? These dances are so hard, I can’t help but think that this episode might be a let down from last week.

Score: 7, 6, 6 (FloHo giving sass to Len!)

Brandy, Jive: Maks: “The name of this partnership is you having fun and me losing hair and years of my life.” He’s so dramatic. And now he’s fighting with Brandy. Did I not say this last week? She will cut you. “Maks, you’re passive aggressive.” “I’m passionate.” Disagreements means love. So I guess this is the best dance of the night so far, but I kind of hate it. I don’t understand the school girl costume, or why Brandy did a hip0hop solo in the middle. It was weird for me. OH MY GOD SARAH PALIN’S IN THE AUDIENCE!!!!! Sorry, I got distracted.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Michael Bolton, Jive: I’m nervous about this dance. It’s fast and it’s hard and I don’t know that MB can handle it. But Michael has Elvis music, so he might be inspired. Michael’s kind of talking to Chelsie like he’s her dad, and I half like that and half hate it. But Chelsie can hold her own. And now they’re friends. And he’s coming out of a doghouse to start the dance, which is bizarre, and I already know Len is going to hate it. Oh man. This is bad. Real bad. And I like you Michael Bolton, but I can’t get behind this dancing. At least you’re not as scary has David Hasselhoff. You’re just vanilla. Bruno: “It was a doggy mess of a Jive. I think this was the worst Jive in 11 seasons.” Bruno and Len are fighting more than I’ve ever seen them argue before and it’s making me uncomfortable.

Score: 4, 5, 3

And Brooke is wondering how they came up with the dog character…um, the song is “Houndog” Brooke, Mensa candidate.

Audrina Patridge, Quickstep: I really want Audrina to succeed, because I like her and I like Tony. The Hills definitely didn’t do her justice, and I’m proud of her, as corny as that is. She’s crying because of the stress, and not Justin Bobby, which is a nice change. Girl, if your boyfriend doesn’t want to see you happy, he’s not worth it. Trust. Oh fast! This Quickstep is fun! Fast feet! She still has a little bit of a vacant stare, but I don’t know if you can get rid of that. Definitely best dance of the night so far.

Score: 8, 8, 7 (and Tony has to wax his legs!!)

Jennifer Grey, Jive: Jen’s gonna go crazy this dance, I can tell. Apparently doing the show made her find out she had cancer. But she’s fine now. Derek: “We’re gonna have to amp up this Jive without killing Jennifer.” Good thinking D. I’m so excited! It’s so fast! Seriously, she’s looks like she’s 20. Good for her! She’s just as good as Nicole Scherzinger. Recognize. Awesome!

Score: 8, 8, 8 (people are booing. I thought it was about Sarah Palin, but I guess not.)

Margaret Cho, Jive: Margaret Cho is really funny, but she needs to get over herself. I really think she could be good if she just got out there and danced. She has a funny dance face. It’s like my game face. Oh she’s got it! She’s got the Jive! Fast feet! Good for her. I’m glad there’s no more ridiculous in this dance. I think Len is going to be happy.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Kyle Massey, Quickstep: Kyle Massey was my favorite from last week. But I’m nervous about him, because the Quickstep is so hard. He definitely can dance, but this dance has a lot of rules, and I want him to do good. Let’s hope they don’t break too many rules and make Len mad. I love Lacy’s costume – I want to wear it all the time. Ok, they are pretty much adorable. This dance is precious. I don’t know how the judges are going to feel though. Bruno: “You started off doing the Quickstep, and you ended up doing the Jive.” That’s good and bad. Len “It lacked any style, but I liked it.” Len, you are such a kidder.

Score: 8, 7, 7

Kurt Warner, Jive: Ok, I’m already bored. I just can’t get into cheering for Kurt Warner. Probably because last week’s dance was boring and it was just blah. But a Jive this week could spice things up. He’s trying to choreograph his dance and Anna’s not having any of it. Don’t mess with the Russian. He also may or may not have gotten a spray tan. I think he just moonwalked. That was bonk. He’s moving good! And kicking fast, which I know I could never do. Not the greatest dance, but it was good for him, and I think the judges are gonna be happy. And a slide at the end! Carrie Ann: “You can of remind me of the crazy uncle at the wedding who had a little too much to drink.” What you tryin’ to say Carrie Ann?

Score: 7, 7, 7

The Situation, Quickstep: I’m excited for this dance only because I want Len to dis The Sitch and that star in his head again. Karina’s got a stick and might be beating him with it. Scary. But I think The Situation is in love. And she loves kicking his ass (for all women everywhere!). I really think The Situation thought this was going to be easy and is upset that it’s not. Bring it. He’s keeping up, but not entirely, and there are a few missteps. I think he tried his best, but it wasn’t great. Len: “It was a series of unfortunate events.” The Situation is smiling, but it’s that crazy serial killer smile like he just killed someone and really enjoyed it.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Bristol Palin, Quickstep: Bristol brings Mark home! And she’s not carrying his child! Sarah’s using crazy colloquialisms! This is the best celebrity video ever! I hope Bristol can pull this one off. She looks beautiful, and I’m getting a soft spot in my heart for her. But she just looks so nervous. She’s being very graceful tonight! I’m impressed. But her performance level needs to be a bit better. Other than that, she’s doing a real good job. Len: You gotta take chances if you’re gonna win dances.” Great life advice Len, you old sage.

Score: 7, 8, 7