Top Chef All Stars isn’t F-ing Around

Joe Jonas, the foodie. Photo courtesy of Bravo.

If we’ve learned anything from last night’s episode of Top Chef All Stars, it’s that a) chefs are deathly afraid of children and b) anyone, and I mean anyone, can go home.

In the Quickfire challenge, the cheftestants were asked to prepare a snack for little kids staying over at the American Natural History Museum, guest starring Joe Jonas. Asian Dale: “I had no idea who Joe Jonas was. I thought he might have been a pastry chef?” And then Dale stole all the sugar and everyone got pissy about it.

Most of the chefs threw chocolate, marshmallows and sugar in a bowl and mixed it together. “Its like 10-year-old crack,” says White Dale. Then they talked about what they used to eat as kids. Some had uber-healthy parents and weren’t allowed to eat certain things. Others had no guidance and ate anything they wanted. My parents let me eat grilled cheese and french fry sandwiches as a kid, so I think you know which side of this argument I stand on. Tiffany (sugar-rice krispie-moon pie-snowball) and Spike (chips and dip) tie, leaving it up to the kids to decide the winner. Kids boo Spike. Tiffany wins!

The chefs then find out their Elimination Challenge is to cook breakfast for the children the next day, meaning they too have to sleep at the museum. I’m loving this. While the girls sleep, the boys take flashlights and roam around the darkened hallways scaring themselves. These chefs are so silly.

So Tiffany decides her team will be the carnivore team, cooking with only meat and dairy. Spike’s team has to be the herbivores, cooking with only fruits and vegetables. Tiffany complains that she thought being a carnivore meant omnivore, so she could cook with anything. She’s told this is not the case. End of Top Chef science lesson.

Spike’s team makes crazy shiz, like gnocchi for 10-year-olds at 7:30 am, but also something with bananas that looked awesome. Also, Katie Lee Joel, host of Top Chef Season One, is guest judge. Stephen ogles her creepily. End of trip down memory lane. Spike’s team wins.

Tiffany’s team didn’t make anything that looked too damning, but the judges claim it was not good. Something about frittatas and ovens. Also, Jamie cuts her finger and has to leave to get two stitches. The cheftestants are pissed about this, and almost all of them claim that when they in the past have cut their own fingers, they just duct tape that mother-effer up and keep working. In all fairness, Fabio legit cut half his finger off during his season, kept cooking, almost fainted and I believe won the challenge (or at least came close).

So Tiffany’s team is at judges table and Jen goes bonkers. She starts yelling at Tom, and basically called him an idiot, and everyone’s looking at her like “who’s gonna tackle her to make her stop,” but they just let her continue to dig her own grave.

As the judges discuss what just went down, Tom says he doesn’t care that Jen defended her eggs and pork belly. He actually admired it. But after all, he is King Tom, and all forms of treason are condemned to death. Jen’s sent packing (and cursing, and creepily laughing).

Jen was one of the best chefs in this competition, and all the other chefs said so. So this can only mean that the rest of the season is going to be balls-out drama. The only thing that could undo Top Chef All Stars is if Stephen wins, because he is just truly awful.

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