Birds Wise Up Before People Do

Anderson Cooper interviews Kirk Cameron about recent bird and fish deaths, naturally.

I distinctly remember being in second grade and my teacher telling us that “animals will always run first. If they’re running out of the forest, run in whatever direction they’re going.” I don’t know why we were learning about these intense survival skills in second grade (in a suburb) but nevertheless, that lesson stayed with me.

With that said, what am I supposed to think now that all these birds and fish are dying in mass quantities all over the country? Some people say a storm is to blame. Others say it may signify the end of time. But I’m thinking these animals just knew something that we don’t. Metaphorically, they’re “running out of the forest” before we do.

I think it can be claimed that animals are a lot smarter than people because they trust their instincts more. They don’t try to reason or justify, they just do. So if I was an animal, and I saw a global economy tank, a catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf Coast, people living in tent-villages in Haiti, two wars, and Lindsay Lohan on the brink of getting out of rehab, I’d probably have the same reaction. There’s also part of me that thinks this is all The Truman Show and those birds probably just flew into the outer walls of the stage set that is our pretend lives. But that’s the crazy part of me that should rarely be taken seriously.

And let’s not rule out signs of the apocalypse just yet. Remember, Jeanie Carroll is retiring at the end of the month, the day hell freezes over.