So, What if the Groundhog Can’t Even Get Out of His Hole Tomorrow?

Tomorrow, as all of you mighty well know, is Groundhog’s Day, and I’m a sucker for any holiday that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Every February 2, you can find me checking every online newspaper from here to Timbuktu to see if that little sucker saw his shadow or not. And of course, I live and die by what said groundhog does.

However, it’s been snowing in the Northeast for approximately 157 years, and this morning I woke up quite concerned that Punxsutawney Phil isn’t even going to be able to leave his little hovel, let alone see/not see his freakin’ shadow. “Don’t worry,” my mom assured me when I inevitably called her about it this morning. “They’ll dig him out.” Now, as much as my mom tried, this was not reassuring, because I’ve seen Caddyshack, and I know how unpredictable gophers and groundhogs can be. What if P’tawney Phil is all like “Eff you guys, I’m not coming out of here. You can have winter all year-long for all I care…” What then???

So of course, I’ve concocted a theory of my own that is both awesome and terrifying. I’m pretty sure (according to absolutely no physical evidence) that if the groundhog doesn’t leave his hole, the entire planet is warped into a spacetime-continuum situation similar to the movie Groundhog’s Day. We will just continuously live out the same day over and over again until the ground thaws and animals once again determine it’s safe to come outside. Pros: I don’t get any older and I have extra time to spend thinking of ways to make money off of this blog. Cons: I dislike the month of February. I could really go either way on this depending on how Wednesday’s college basketball match-ups play out. Some of them promise to be classics.

Anyway, here’s the kicker. It’s supposed to still be snowing tomorrow. Say I’m correct – P’tawney Phil doesn’t come out of his hole, we continue to live February 2 over and over until he does. But it will always be snowing. Ergo, he’ll never come out. The time warp will never end. See, I told you, it’s terrifying.

On that note, I think I’m gonna leave early to get in some Zumba and grocery shopping. Wednesdays are busy for me, and if the rest of my life is Wednesdays I may not have another free moment for my domesticated life. Mother Nature’s really kicking my ass.

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Filed under Holidays, WORST Things Ever

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