DWTS Season 12: “Dancing’s Like Walking, Except Not At All”

Like, at first I thought that was Wilmer Valderrama, but it's not.

The 12th season of Dancing with the Stars is here! And as Tom Bergeron said, it’s the “widest ranging collection of stars” the show has ever had, which basically means “least famous.” Despite my love for Kirstie Alley, the beauty of Petra Nemcova, and the prowess of Sugar Ray Leonard, this cast is undoubtedly filled with a majority of little-to-un knowns. But does that matter? Not really. I’d watched this show if I was trapped in a cave. With cable. So in the immortal words of Brian Fellows, “let’s get going!” It’s been a long winter, and I’m in desperate need of some Cha-cha-cha.

Chelsea Kane, Foxtrot: So Chelsea Kane’s claim to fame is breathing the same air as the Jonas brothers, which may mean she’s not that famous if you’re over 15, but that she’s also going to be quite a dark horse on DWTS. And if she’s not dating Mark Ballas by the end of the season, I owe everyone who reads this blog a dollar (or I don’t and this is just an outlandish statement). Anyway, Chelsea’s doing the Foxtrot, which is not usually a dance you see on the first night, which I assume means it has some level of difficulty. But sister pulled it off well! She’s pretty and tiny and adorable and a spunky dancer. I think people are really going to respond!

Score: 7, 7, 7 (solid!)

Wendy Williams, Cha-cha-cha: Wendy Williams is a mother?? Something seems wrong about that. And she doesn’t know who Tony is? How do you go on DWTS and not know who Tony, the grandfather of the show, is? Seems sketchy, WW. So, during rehearsals, there’s a lot of crying going on, but it’s ok, because Wendy has on a wig that seconds as a handkerchief. For such a lively woman, her dancing is timid. Wendy needs to come out of her shell. But I like her, so I will keep my fingers crossed.

Score: 5, 4, 5

Hynes Ward, Cha-cha-cha: Hynes Ward can’t dance, so don’t ask him to strut his stuff after a touchdown. Or is he lying? Because he’s shaking those hips like he’s done this before. Kym is definitely one of the best teachers, and I have no doubt that if Hynes had even the littlest ability, she’s gonna get it all out of him. He’s very likable, so I’ll let it slide that he stole one of my future DWTS songs, “Club Can’t Handle Me” (I have a list of about 200 future songs, and I’ve put together about 50 dances – my future partner is going to love me). Bruno and Len are all over Hynes’ hip action.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Petra Nemcova, Foxtrot: Has anyone ever really looked at Petra Nemcova? She’s unbelievably gorgeous. And I feel so sorry that she has to relive her nightmare in that tsunami a few years ago with all the things that are going on in Japan. She truly is a strong woman. Her Foxtrot is charming, and while not as good as Chelsea’s, Petra has great movement and good lines, so I think she’s going to do a good job. Broken pelvis and all. You go girl!

Score: 6, 6, 6

Romeo, Cha-cha-cha: At what point in his life did Lil Romeo drop the “Lil” and just become Romeo? Did he have a bar mitzvah to celebrate the occasion? Is that how that works? Also, Tom Bergeron said Romeo was a college basketball player, but I distinctly remember him saying “after high school, I’m going straight to the pros.” Lies. Romeo is back to avenge his father’s (Master P, make ’em say unnnhhhh) awful turn on DWTS. He has great footwork, but all he’s doing is checking out Chlesie’s bum. It’s disturbing. You know what he’s going to be great at? The Rumba. He also has a little bit of a ‘tude. Jury’s still out on this one.

Score: 7, 6, 6

Sugar Ray Leonard, Foxtrot: I don’t know a lot about what Sugar Ray Leonard is like as a person. But he seems like a sweet, genuine guy. The athletes are so hard on themselves and need to get everything perfect. And Anna is one tough Russian. She’s going to whip him into dancing shape if it’s the last thing she does. Aww, he looks nervous. Len’s not going to like the fooling around in the audience at the beginning of this. But Sugar Ray is great out of hold! He’s got charisma! He struggles partnering though. And he has a look on his face like a little kid who’s scared to sit down at a lunch table with people he doesn’t know. Does that make sense? Because I think it’s accurate. Bruno: “In hold, you turn into a Ninja Turtle.” Great description.

Score: 6, 5, 6

Kendra Wilkinson, Cha-cha-cha: Kendra wants to be elegant. But she just told Louis that she’s a booty shaker. Do, there’s that. “Hot. Not club hot. But classy hot.” You know what’s the epitome of class? Frost blue eye shadow. I don’t think Kendra should try to be classy – it’s making her stiff. I think she should pull a Pamela Anderson and just go balls to the wall, with her hair all over the place, and partially drunk. Weird, Hugh Hefner and his fiancee (?) are in the audience.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Ralph Macchio, Foxtrot: Is Karina Smirnoff the new Mr. Miyagi? No. But “overanalysis creates paralysis” is the new “wax on, wax off.” Oh my god. Ralph Macchio is fantastic! He was doing weird things in hold, but once he got out of it there were some tap moves going on, some floor traveling. It was amazeballs! Sweep the leg!! Ok, I can’t top with the Karate Kid references. He can high kick, obvs. Carrie Anne: “That was an amazing surprise.” Elegant and fun! Hot, but not club hot.

Score: 8, 8, 8 (Len said it was the best Foxtrot tonight.)

Chris Jericho, Cha-cha-cha: Chris is definitely going to be the contestant that scares me this season. And I think Cheryl’s wearing a costume made of bones. Ok, so this Cha-cha would be good at a dive bar next to the juke box, and Chris just took of his, not shirt, but sleeves, which is odd. But other than that, there’s not a lot going on, and I’m thinking early elimination for Jericho, unless the remaining contests are terrible, or fall, or something. Len: “I think your hips are allergic to music.”

Score: 7, 6, 6 (generous)

Mike Catherwood, Foxtrot: I don’t know who this person is, but he just called himself the “least well-known person on this cast.” And he’s wearing a neon headband. So that’s awesome. Cold War references. Great. Days of practice later. Same headband. Sunglasses indoors. Yes. This guy’s either a total loser, or freakin’ awesome. It’s a fine line. And I like this new hairstyle, a la Drew Barrymore, where women just don’t dye their roots for months. Somehow it works on Lacey. And I’m talking about hair and not dancing, so that should tell you something.

Score: 5, 4, 4

Kirstie Alley, Cha-cha-cha: I’m ready for some good fights between Kirstie and Maks. Yessss. Cee-lo. I love it. She’s moving well – and we just got a boob push up, so that’s happening. And Maks is wearing a blazer and no shirt, so I think they’re going to be fine. I think Kirstie Alley is fabulous, and she’s a great dancer, proving that you don’t have to be a size 2 to shake what you got and look good doing it. I’m proud! The 80s icons might have a fight on their hands!

Score: 8, 7, 8

Kirstie is having a hard time catching her breath and it’s making me nervous, but tonight was faboosh! So excited for this season. Who do we think is going home? Tell me below!