Dancing with the Stars Season 13: Where Men are Men and Women are Men!

And we’re back! I’m so excited about this season of DWTS I can barely contain myself. K. Cav will definitely be bitching people out, David Arquette is a loose canon, and Chaz Bono had to become a man to find his fair share of sequins, when God knows he could have just looked in his mother’s closet. And Derek Hough is back! Things could not be better!

Ugh. Except that Brooke is still around, but with a new last name. I hope this makes her more endearing to me. The competitors are coming down the stairs. Nancy Grace is wearing a blazer, which can only mean there’s a snazzy dress underneath! Ron Artest (excuse me, Metta World Peace) is the scariest of all scary. And there’s a new ballroom! Steeper stairs! I wonder if George Clooney is watching?

Ok, Jeanie’s crying. She missed these guys so much. Let’s get this recap going!

Ron Artest, Cha, Cha, Cha: Ok, so Peta is a new pro dancer, and she seems cool, but she just called out Kym, and I love Kym, so simmer down Peta! Ron looks like Dennis Rodman, which is not a compliment. His faces are scary, and not just because he dyed his facial hair blonde. I can say the hip action is good. But not great. Just some kind of gyrating, if that’s what we’re calling it. But I do want him to do good for his daughter, who is adorable and we love her. Len: “All sizzle, no sausage.” Oddly, Bruno is saying crazier things than this.

Score: 5, 4, 5

Oh hey, Lamar Odom. You are my favorite of the Kardashians (yes, Kim, Kortney and Khloe are in the audience). But why are you wearing sunglasses?

Rob Kardashian, Viennese Waltz: Rob is a cutie. And I love Cheryl. And of course, Rob intros are probably all going to include the entire Kardashian clan. I love when Cheryl gets mad. She has no tolerance for Rob. Which is good, because neither does America. Also, Cheryl is dressed like Elvis. Hm. Rob has good posture, but his footwork is scaring me. He’s a little too fast. And heavy-footed. But he has a nice smile, and I think Carrie Ann is going to like him. Oh, Khloe is yelling at Bruno from across the ballroom. And this is how you make yourself famous, people.

Score: 6, 5, 5

Kristen Cavillari, Cha-Cha-Cha: Oh, Kristen, don’t try to pretend that you’re not a bitch. Own it. Go beat up your ex-fiance or something! She is super-tiny. Do you guys think Stephen will pay a visit to the ballroom? Especially since he’s dating Mark’s partner from last season, Chelsea Kane? Connections!! Ok, Kristen’s definitely the best so far tonight. She’s a little stiff, but I think she can be really good once she gets comfortable. I love Mark Ballas. So much. But he does that half jump spin move every routine. Count on it.

Score: 7, 6, 6

Chynna Phillips, Viennese Waltz: Can she please dance to “Hold On?” And do an imaginary drum solo? I’d give her a 10 just for that. And for that kick to Tony’s nether-regions. Oh, she’s graceful. This is much better than the intro package. She’s gliding. I feel like they only bring the smoke machine out for the really good waltzes. That should be a sign from now on. And a split spin! That was great! Watch Chynna hold on for one more day! And they just keep coming people!

Score: 8, 7, 7

Nancy Grace, Cha-Cha-Cha: I was least excited about this, but they’ve given Nancy an Irish pro-dancer I’m in love with and have no idea what he’s staying. I don’t care if she comes out on the dancefloor and sits there while this guy spins around. This couple needs to stay. And the blazer is off! And there’s sequins! And yeah she’s bad. But this Tristan guy is my future husband. Without a doubt. Except if he’s gay.

Score: 5, 5, 6

David Arquette, Viennese Waltz: I love Kym, so she might make me like David Arquette. Working on his sobriety. Being a better person. I want him and Courtney to reunite on the show. Can some producer make this happen? Oh hey, this is good! Like really good! David’s movements are really fast, and controlled. His footwork is light, and his posture is ok. There were some little hiccups, but not a huge one. I like his effort. Yayy! Courtney is there! “David: I got lost in the dance.” Ok, he’s adorable.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Elisabetta Canalis, Cha-Cha-Cha: Well, it’s going to be really hard for me to like Elisabetta because she’s pretty much perfect. So it looks like Maks’ brother has the same flair for doing weird scenes at the beginning of his dances and pissing off Len. I don’t like this Val either. Ok, there’s not a lot I can say about this. It was bad. Even K.Cav, who is trying to tell people she’s not a bitch, can’t keep that Hills scowl off her face. Oh, another connection – George Clooney’s new girlfriend, Stacy Keibler, was on DWTS season two. The world is such a small place. Or is it?

Score: 5, 5, 5

Hope Solo, Viennese Waltz: So I keep calling her Hans Solo. I don’t mean it. It’s just happening. Oh I love Maks. He’s so great with the athletes. Except when he tried to kill Misty May. If I could somehow get Hope Solo’s body I would happy with my life. Except I would maybe want to be a little more graceful. She has a weird neck thing going on. It’s hunched and short. But she just did a great spin. She’s just not very light on her feet. She definitely has the skills, she just needs to get a little more grace.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Carson Kressley, Cha-Cha-Cha: What Carson lacks in coordination, rhythm and musicality, he’s making up for in spunk! And pizazz! And glitter! He’s hilarious. And he’s dancing like there’s no tomorrow! I love it! He could teach the better dancers a thing or two. Jut go out and do it people! This is supposed to be fun and tacky and who knows that better than Carson?? He totally gets the spirit of this show.

Score: 6, 5, 6

J.R. Martinez, Viennese Waltz: Ok, this is just going to make me cry. Wounded veteran with a great spirit. I love him. He has a great smile. He’s beautiful. I hope he does well. Wow. He’s very graceful, but also vey strong. He definitely led Karina around the dancefloor, and Len is calling it one of the best performances of the night. What a great story. We need more people like this on television.

Score: 8, 7, 7

Ricki Lake, Viennese Waltz: So Ricki Lake is just concerned with losing weight. Which I totally appreciate. It’s one of the reasons I want to be on DWTS. Can someone make me famous so I can make this happen? Derek is so great. We missed you D. Hough! This is pretty. And Ricki’s good at playing a part. Ok, I was thinking that maybe it was a little underwhelming until that last back bend, one-legged spin. Very nice. Go Ricki!

Score: 7, 6, 7

Note: Brooke has been winning me over tonight, and then she just high-fived Derek when he was clearly looking for Ricki to give him one. Oh Brooke, get over yourself.

Chaz Bono, Cha-Cha-Cha: Question. If you can decide what gender you want to be, you can feasibly also decide what your new name should be, right? Would you pick Chaz? Like, would that be the best name you could come up with? I’ve just been wondering that for a while. Anyway, Chaz has got a tough dance, and a lot of pressure, and I hope Lacey can calm him down. She needs to stop wearing those awful glasses though. It was a valiant effort! A lot of quick footsteps, but not a lot of musicality. He might not be the best dancer, but good for him for getting out there. We’re all human. Thanks for reminding us. And congrats! It’s cheesy, but you’re already a winner.

Score: 6, 5, 6

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