DWTS Week 3: “I Can’t Believe You Cheated on Me with Dance”

So Rob Kardashian has decided to tell people that one of his married co-stars is sleeping with their married professional dance partner. But don’t worry guys, he later took to his Twitter account to tell people he was only kidding! Because ruining two marriages is hilarious, Robert! Such a jokester.

I wonder what dances we have tonight, because everyone’s outfits are slutty. Tonight’s the night that the celebrities have to tell a personal story, which always ranges from, “one time I fell off my bike,” to the death of someone’s fiance. What I’m saying is, it’s going to be emotional. To the most memorable years of their lives!

Rob Kardashian, Foxtrot: Rob’s most memorable year is the year his father died. So this one is going to be a tearjerker. His dad was his best friend. And baby Rob was a cutie. He’s dancing to Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me to the Moon.” Kris is crying in the audience. Rob is great in hold, but he makes me a little nervous when he dances by himself. But he and Cheryl should date because they’re cute together. And he can kick really high! And there’s a lot of fast movement paced with quick stops, and I really, really liked it. Len: “You just put the dash into Kardashian.” Len has been waiting three weeks to say that.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Chynna Phillips, Rumba: Chynna’s most memorable year? The year “Hold On” was released, obviously. Ohmygod is she going to dance to it? Please, please, please! I’ve been waiting for this song to be played on this show for so long!! I wish she still had her bowl haircut. I hope when I’m on DWTS no one makes me do a split. There’s no coming back from that. This Rumba is kind of stiff. I think Chynna think’s she’s an awesome dancer and can half-ass it. You can NOT. Billy Baldwin just made a confused face in the audience. I know, Billy. I know. The judges seemed to like it though.

Score: 8, 9, 9 (ugh.)

Chaz Bono, Rumba: Chaz is wearing a furry leopard vest, so I’m not sure what his most memorable year is. Oh, it’s this year. That makes sense. It’s crazy to see photos of young Cher. And it’s sad that Sonny Bono is dead. This is a very emotional dance. Methinks Chaz is still injured. But Lacey is wearing an “I’m ProBono” shirt, which is fantastic. Lacey is definitely doing all the work, but it’s always hard to tell if the male dancers are doing anything. Sorry, male dancers. I think they did good with what they could, but there wasn’t a lot to it.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Kristen Cavallari, Samba: Kristen’s dancing to Beyonce. So this is already my favorite dance of the night. Her most memorable year is 2005, because that’s when she graduated from high school. I am so old. I love Mark’s choreography for Sambas. So I think this is gonna be fun, as long as Kristen can conquer her nerves. What?!?! Jay Cutler is in the audience? What. The. Eff. I heard they were “working things out,” but is he back in the picture now, Kristen? I guess he is. Anyway, back to the dancing. Kristen is a little shaky. She can do all the moves, but she seems unsure of herself. Of course, the judges loved it because it was a hot girl shaking her ass. Gets ’em every time (Also, Jay Cutler – very good looking in a suit).

Score: 8, 8, 8

Carson Kressley, Tango: Carson’s favorite year is 2003, the year Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came out. And when he was little he wore wool overall shorts and knee socks! The show made him feel comfortable with who he was – and that’s a great message Carson! We’re going for the Most Improved Award tonight. Ok. Carson is not a great dancer. But he is theatrical. He is entertainment. I hate when they dance-climb the stairs. It makes me so nervous. Nice kicks, Carson! What is with all the men high-kicking tonight? Definitely improved! I think the judges will be happy. Len says that he “put the boy in flamboyant.” Len is so on tonight.

Score: 8, 7, 8

J.R. Martinez, Rumba J.R.’s most memorable year is the year he got injured, when is truck ran over a land mine in Iraq. Now, no matter what, this dance is going to make me cry. How does someone find so much purpose out of so much tragedy? It’s truly an inspiration. “That moment, I chose to fight.” It’s amazing. This dance is dedicated to all the men and women who did not make it home. Already crying. Ok. I thought that was perfection. Carrie Ann is crying. Everyone is crying. Standing ovation. J.R. is crying. I mean. Emotional isn’t even a good word. Carrie Ann: “Heroes are normal people who do extraordinary things.”

Score: 9, 8, 9

Nancy Grace, Waltz: Every time they say “prosecutor,” I think they’re going to say “prostitute.” I need to fix that. Nancy’s memories have to do with her twins, who were born early and weak. And she’ll be dancing to “Moon River,” the first lullaby she ever sang to them. I love “Moon River.” I also still love Tristan. So, there’s not a lot to the Waltz, even when it’s done really well, so there’s not a lot I can really say, except that her children are super cute. And she looks pretty.

Score: 7, 7, 7 (winner, winner chicken dinner)

Ricki Lake, Rumba: Ricki has had a lot of emotional things going on – divorce, her house burning down, and meeting her new husband. So her most memorable year is last year, where she learned to “never say never.” Ricki has glitter extensions in her hair, a la Adrienne Maloof. They look better on Ricki. Some kind of crazy squat spin just happened! And there’s really fast spins that are just nuts! Ricki is really great! All I can remember are the spins! Ricki makes Carrie Ann say “Fire!” like Tyra Banks.

Score: 9, 9, 9

Hope Solo, Cha-Cha-Cha: Hope’s most memorable year is this year, because of the World Cup, obvi. Maks just called her “big” and I want to punch him in the face. And she just stepped on his balls. Way. To. Go. Jeanie just said “I love high gloves.” What does that even mean? I like Hope, but her movements are just so heavy. She stomps everywhere. And she kind of has a white man’s overbite thing going on with her mouth when she dances. She does all the dances right, but it just looks forced.

Score: 8, 8, 8

David Arquette, Rumba: David is also doing 2011 as his most memorable year, the year he broke up with Courtney Cox and turned to drugs and alcohol. His song is dedicated to his daughter. “Life is about love, and not giving into fear.” Kym has some kind of cougar bathrobe on. David’s not really doing anything, and Kym is spinning around a lot. The Rumba is so hard to judge. Ok, it got better – he did some good partnering and threw Kym down and picked her back up and it was strong toward the end.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Very little of Brooke annoying me tonight, so that’s always good. But who do with think is having the affair?

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