It’s Fright Night on Dancing with the Stars!

Talk about a crazy Halloween! First, we had a blizzard. Next, we lost power. Then everyone made fun of me for being afraid of every flickering candle in the house. I mean, a black out on Halloween weekend? That’s when people get murdered. Fact.

So now the power’s back on and we’re celebrating the scariest of all scary on DWTS. Tom Beregeron has promised me all kinds of ghouls and goblins. Just how did the dancers decide who would perform to Thriller and Monster Mash? Why is Tom dressed the same as always and Brooke looks like Cleopatra? And how will Rob deal with the recent KDash-Humphries divorce? Everything is scary tonight.

And now, “dead from Hollywood, it’s Dancing with the Stars!”

David Arquette, Cha-cha-cha: David wants to include magic in his routine, and he’s brought in a magician that I’m pretty sure is David Silver’s dad. The real magic will be if David can move his hips enough to please Len. Ohhhh, did you see what I did there? I thought DA’s technique was great. He had good footwork, but little hip action. It really wasn’t bad at all. And he played the magician character really well! Carrie Ann is dressed up like a cat who’s going to Halloween as Madonna, and no one else is dressed up.

Score: 8, 8, 8

J.R. Martinez, Tango: J.R.’s dancing to the Ghostbusters which is so great! Except that he and Karina are arguing and it’s making me sad. This is where she stars to mind eff her celebrities. I hope J.R. is mentally stronger than her. J.R. ain’t afraid of no tango. This tango is solid. Karina is dressed as Britney Spears from the Toxic video with a skeleton outline, so I’m not sure how that ties in, but the dance is fantastic. The footwork is perfect. There was some kind of crazy lighting bolt on the floor. Bruno says that J.R. missed some timing, but whatever, no one cares. Except Len. Because he’s crotchety.

Score: 9, 8, 8

Nancy Grace, Jive: Oh, lord. I don’t know about Nancy and this dance. It’s so hard. The kicks are so quick. The flicks are so athletic. Oh, and it’s to The Devil Went Down to Georgia, the fastest song known to man. And for the first time ever I don’t like looking at Tristan because he looks downright horrifying. So I guess when you can’t look at Tristan, Nancy’s just not that good. There was little technique to the dance, there wasn’t a lot of movement. And Brooke just told Nancy she was shocked her body is holding up because she’s so old.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Rob Kardashian, Tango: I wonder if Brooke is going to ask Rob inappropriate questions. I wonder if any of the K-Dashes are in the audience. Rob is going to prank Cheryl. And I just think this isn’t going to end well for anyone. You know what’s scary? Rob’s wearing fuchsia pants. The Addams Family! This is a great tango song! Rob really looks like Gomez. The tango was good, but I’m more distracted by Kourtney and Mason dressed as Indians in the audience. And Scott, wearing a t-shirt and not a three-piece suit. Carrie Ann says it was Rob’s best dance yet.

Score: 9, 8, 8

Ricki Lake, Paso Doble: Oh, I’m excited about this! But Ricki’s hurt. Something with her ribs. Something serious. This could be a problem. The doctor says it’s severe. But she’s going to push through it. Bandage her up! Ricki is Little Red Riding Hood. Derek’s a wolf. Dancing to Beyonce. Obvs. They spin so fast! I think Ricki looks like she’s in pain! But her dancing is so smooth and fast and just on the edge of treacherous! Bruno: “A blizzard of passion and fear!” Yes. Yes, it was.

Score: 9, 9, 9

Hope Solo, Samba: Maks is injured, and he brought in some lookalike named Tony to teach Hope how to dance. Tony can’t do it either. But he’s making Hope giggle. And keeps her from being a cutter. So things are less dark in the world of Hope and Maks. Maks has resorted to removing clothing to get audience applause. Hope is so athletic, but the girl cannot dance for shit. She has no musicality. She’s stiff. And she’s not getting any better. She looks like the sister in Dirty Dancing, when they try to teach her to dance at the end. You know what I’m talking about.

Score: 8, 8, 8 (“No freakin’ way,” says Jeanie)

Team Dances!

Team Tango: The co-leaders from last week get to pick their teams. We have J.R. with Nancy and David and Ricki with Rob and Hope. Nancy Grace is a freakin’ crazy person in the team dance. She’s just saying how people suck. And how Len is cranky. She’s talking a lot of trash. And she just smashed a pumpkin and it was nuts. So they’re in a cage to start their tango. They’re dancing to Disturbia. They’re mental patients. Got it. David did a good job, but J.R.’s about to pull up the rear. He loves those legs kicks. He’s the best. Len liked the group parts, but thinks the individual components were a disaster. Hm. I thought the opposite.

Score: 8, 7, 8

Team Paso: I’m already mad at this team because I thought Team Tango did a better job than their scores. Also, why does Ricki get the same dance in the same night? That’s not fair. Ricki has also become like that the crazy anal girl in the school project group. And Maks has gotten abusive towards Hope. Everyone is uncomfortable. So Derek has to be nice to Hope. And actually teach her. Because Derek is the best, and such a brown-noser. Oh! Rob just did a cheerleader jump and it was really high! Mom is in love with him. Hope’s solo was terrible. I can’t even talk about it. Ricki is perfection. I think Team Paso wins this duel.

Score: 9, 8, 9

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