The New Season of Dancing with the Stars is Here!

Tristan! courtesy of ABC.

It’s been way too long since I heard the drum beat of the DWTS theme music; way too long since I’ve watched to see if a celebrity was going to trip down those awful stairs, or if Brooke was going to say something narcissistic. The ballroom is back!

I’ve already told you, I think Jaleel White has this in the bag. But I was watching some rehearsal footage on Good Morning America this morning, and everyone looks pretty polished! It might be a tight race. I give my votes to the first person who dances a routine to Call Me, Maybe. Oh, and there’s Tristan. Ok, I give all my votes to him.

A few questions before we get going. Does Gavin DeGraw ever take off his hat? Why is Joey Fatone in the audience? It’s early to be pulling that card. Does anyone miss the Kardashians? No? Ok. Let’s get this season going!

Maria Menounos, Cha-cha-cha: Maria just said she was “such a boy.” Ok, I hate that. No you’re not. She said “I’m not delicate.” No, Maria. I’m not delicate. You’re the entire New York City Ballet Company compared to me. Oh, chick is good. She has only a little hip action, but she can clearly dance. She just needs to be a little less stiff and a little more sure of herself. The judges will love her. Brooke is going to hate this.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Oh, there are live tweets at the bottom of the screen. Hmmm. I don’t know about this. Unless they’re funny and making fun of people. Then I’m fine with it.

Jack Wagner, Foxtrot: Jack may be this year’s Hasselhoff. Except less orange and maybe nicer. Jack is an impatient perfectionist, which has always gone over well on this show. Anna will knock him right into shape. Hm. They’re doing something weird by laying on the ground and kicking their feet and I don’t like it. But now they’re in hold and it’s better. Jack has good posture. But he’s super stiff. It’s like his legs aren’t long enough to touch the ground. That makes no sense, but that’s what it looks like. Sweet dance, but awkward.

Score: 8, 7, 8

Donald Driver, Cha-cha-cha: I’m not gonna lie to you guys. Peeta scares the beejesus out of me. This might be because she was paired with Ron Artest Metta World Peace last season, but it doesn’t change how I feel. Donald seems fun and cute. I could get in his corner. Oh, Carrie Anne is going to LOVE him. He’s got that same appeal that Chad Ochocinco had, but with less sexual harassment. He’s got great hip action, but I wonder how he’ll do with the more formal dances. The crowd is going crazzzzzy!

Score: 7, 7, 7

Gavin DeGraw, Foxtrot: I know I keep harping on the hat, but what is that about? This is a totally new coupling for Karina – they seem super awkward together. But I could find Gavin endearing probably. He has weird arms. They remind me of the Tin Man and the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz. But he just did a nice kick thing in the air – that’s got to get him points somehow. He partnered Karina well and I think he’ll be able to get better….Gavin! Inappropriate joke! This is a family show!

Score: 7, 6, 7

Gavin just called Brooke pretty and she is all about it.

Roshon Fegen, Cha-cha-cha: Roshon beat-boxes. Oh, God. And he’s wearing a big gold medal. I’m already annoyed. Those Disney children are always ON and it takes a lot out of me. Oh, but he’s a good dancer. So I guess I’m gonna have to put up with him for a little while longer. Unless people didn’t like his aggressive amounts of Moonwalking. People get kicked out for that shit, Roshon. But yeah, it was pretty much perfect. FML. But not enough Cha-cha-cha for Len. Too much hip-hop. This has happened before, with one of the Cheetah Girls and Mark Ballas, so I’m just saying, know your history.

Score: 8, 7, 8

Sherri Shepherd, Foxtrot: I don’t like Val. I definitely think if we were dating he’d do a Chris Brown number and it would be terrible. I’m just saying. Sherri has to be elegant, and I think she can. Except that she acts like a cartoon character all the time. Her Foxtrot kind of looks like a Waltz. But she’s doing a great job. Her footwork looks good, and she’s got great rhythm. She’s in control of her spins and on beat. Definitely a satisfactory dance. And she just kissed her son in the audience and he was totally over it. Mom, so embarrassing.

Score: 8, 7, 8

Melissa Gilbert, Cha-cha-cha: Melissa Gilbert has a shoulder tattoo? WTF? That’s weird, I don’t know where to put it in my brain. Now she looks like Sandy at the end of Grease. I love Maks, but he could do so much better by his celebrities, and then he wouldn’t have to be so defensive all the time. This is a Cha-cha to Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and Melissa is dressed like a hooker. It’s confusing. I don’t think it would have mattered if she came out and nailed it.

Score: 7, 6, 7

William Levy, Cha-cha-cha: Judging by the screams in the ballroom, William Levy is going to win this thing without even having to dance. He should rethink those Karate Kid headbands though. Oh and he complains in Spanish. Subtitles! I love Cheryl. She doesn’t even care how good looking this guy is. She’s not having it! Ok, I have to admit, that was the first dance I didn’t type my way through. I was entranced the whole way. I think William Levy is going to give Tristan a run for his money. How can I choose between the Latin lover and my drunk, awkward Irishman? Ugh, I’m so partial to my own kind.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Bruno literally just set on fire. William Levy just became a star.

Martina Navratilova, Fotxtrot: How can you follow that act? Also, someone needs to give Tony a therapy show. All he wants to do is psychoanalyze and get to the deep stuff. Aw, Martina is so cute. And she looks gorgeous in her first dress in 20 years! This dance is kind of bland, but it’s not bad for the first night. Unfortunately, the competition is fierce. Martina did some tough moves: a tight spin and a throw. Nice effort.

Score: 7, 6, 7

Katherine Jenkins, Foxtrot: Why do British people have the best accents? I want one! I’m probably just going to start speaking like that, so you’ve been warned. This girl is sweet, I think people will like her. She’s poised and able to handle her nerves. She seems very steady – I’m not at all nervous about her putting a foot wrong. Everything seems to be right where it’s supposed to be, she just might need to get a little bit more charisma. Carrie Ann: “Best first dance on the first episode ever.” That’s a bold statement CA.

Score: 9, 8, 9 (Nine’s on the first night?!?!?! I don’t think that’s ever happened!)

Gladys Knight, Cha-cha-cha: Tristan! I’m sorry, this is about Gladys. But Tristan’s back! My dad loves Gladys Knight. I love when Tristan makes jokes and no one knows what he’s saying. Oh, Gladys is so cute! And she can move those hips! Why didn’t the Pips ever let her dance? Dummies. It got a little bit like a wedding reception in the middle, but Gladys got it back on track and she’s great! Also, I think Tristan got sleeved during hiatus, which is disappointing to me. Mark one in William Levy’s column. Or just roll down the arm of the Tristan’s shirt.

Score: 8, 7, 8

“You’re the oldest competitor here…yet you still have a smile on your face.” Oh, Brooke. We almost made it through the whole show.

Jaleel White, Foxtrot: Remember when Urkel really wanted to be on the basketball team and no one would let him and then he ended up being awesome? I feel like that’s going to happen here. I think we’re going to see Steph-on. I’m excited. Oh, there’s jumping! And spinning! How charming. I’m sure the judges are going to have some pointers – but that dance was so sweet. I think Jaleel has the athleticism and the natural acting talent to do great. Bruno likened him to Gregory Hines. What a great way to end the night.

Score: 9, 8, 9 (TWO NINES. OH MY GOD MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!)

“Best first show of any season.” – Len. Fact.

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