And Here We Are Again: Dancing with the Stars Week Two!

So I had some blood work done today and I’m not feeling wonderful about it so there’s a chance with all the excitement of tonight’s episode I get woozy and pass out. I don’t want anyone to worry. I’ll be ok. It’s just that they didn’t give me any Lorna Doone’s afterward. I should also probably say that while I’m not ready to tell you what the blood work was for, I am not dying, nor am I pregnant. A little mystery never hurt anyone.

So tonight some couples are doing the Jive and others are doing the Quickstep. While there were definite winners last week, there were very few losers. I think Maria Menunous needs to step up her game because she has what it takes, but if she doesn’t she’s going to get overshadowed. There’s Gavin DeGraw’s hat again. Sign. Oh. William Levy’s in a tuxedo. I need a second to take that in. Tristan’s also in a tuxedo! I am definitely going to pass out you guys.

Roshon Fagan, Quickstep: Roshon needs to tone it down. Can he do it in a Quickstep? Just stop it. If I were Chelsie I would punch him for serious. He’s teaching her “Swag Skills.” Shut up. This Quickstep is extremely fast, which the judges usually love, but I felt like his posture wasn’t perfect. There were a lot of jumps, great athleticism. Ugh, the judges are all over it. Ugh. I really just don’t like Roshon.

Score: 9, 8, 9 (Um, I smell some 10s tonight, ya’ll!)

Sherri Shepherd, Jive: This should be interesting. The Jive is so, so difficult for “top-heavy” women, and Sherri got the ultimate Jive song – Proud Mary. And Tina, and Tina and Tina. It’s a dance, trust me. But Sherri has great rhythm and character. Oh and there’s a jacket rip-off! And Sherri’s singing all the words! Oh, but they were supposed to do a pull through and Sherri didn’t do it! A little flub, but she kept right on dancing! And Val had to get back on time. Honestly, even though that was a mistake, that was a great dance and she managed to make it look like nothing happened. That was very, very impressive. Sometimes mistakes lead to greatness, my friends.

Score: 8, 7, 8

Is anyone else afraid of Brooke’s boobs tonight? Like they actually might jump off her body and start attacking people?

Melissa Gilbert, Quickstep: Melissa dated Billy Idol? Why don’t I know anything about her? First the shoulder tattoo, now Billy Idol. It’s just a lot of celebrity discovery here. Melissa cries when she’s happy, and Maks is giving her compliments, so she’s crying and Maks is all like “I make them cry no matter what I do.” I think Melissa has too much energy for her own good. Everything is just a little bit too much, not enough control. She just kind of face planted into Maks’ chest. Which you know, there’s a time and a place for that. She has good extension, though. She just needs to overcome some nerves I think.

Score: 7, 6, 7

Maks has only cried once, watching The Lion King. I’m not sure if that makes him sweet or a sociopath.

Jack Wagner, Jive: I think Jack exceeded expectations last week, so hopefully he can do it again. But old people and the Jive is not usually pretty. And he’s sweating profusely. And making weird noises. But other than that I think he could grow on me. Move those hips Jack! Holy Goodness! This is great! The second half of the dance was a teeny bit wobbly, but Jack managed. And he did a great job partnering Anna. There was a little bit of a slip up, but other than the rust and orange costumes, I found it entertaining and fun and I’m proud of you, Jack Wagner!

Score: 7, 7, 7

Gladys Knight, Quickstep: Gladys is just so cute. She says “Dangit!” And she giggles at Tristan, and she says she’s gonna “bring it.” I love her. And not just because I want to have Tristan’s babies. So, compared to the other Quicksteps of the night so far, this is not quick. But I’m wondering how it would hold up to the Quicksteps from other seasons? All the steps were right, they stayed in hold and they had close contact. But it just was very slow, similar to a Waltz.

Score: 7, 5, 7 (Len, what is the matter with you? Everyone is booing.)

“When Gladys smiles, everyone else smiles.” Oh what a charmer you are, Tristan.

Katherine Jenkins, Jive: Katherine could end up being that girl in class that asks for more homework. She’s perfect looking, a great dancer, she HAS A BRITISH ACCENT. I’d hate her if I didn’t think she could introduce me to Kate Middleton. Wow. Ok. Wait. That might have been one of my favorite dances of all time. Mark is a great choreographer, and he is having fun with Miss Jenkins. This girl is a definite performer, and she came out strong and ready for a fight. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet your front runner (and a possible first 10 contestant?).

Score: 9, 8, 9 (I’m bummed they didn’t get a 10, but can we really give out perfect scores on the second episodes? Maybe not.)

Jaleel White, Jive: Why are we putting the top two contestants doing the same dance together in the episode? That doesn’t help Jaleel at all, because Katherine’s dance was so great. Jaleel’s dance is slower, not as much fun, and it’s not as modern. So I think that is tough. You could see a little bit of Urkel there even. I still think Jaleel’s got what it takes, but maybe he shouldn’t follow Katherine until the finals.

Score: 7, 7, 8

Maria Menunous, Quickstep: Maria and Derek are going to be Bonnie and Clyde, because they are so “mischievous together.” And she hurt her rib. But don’t worry you guys, she’s Greek, so it’s ok. And they’re wearing cat burglar masks. I would have trouble seeing. This is a cute Jive, but the whole “we rob banks” thing is not adding anything to it. Maria looks a little bit like Derek is dragging her around. But she did some great jumps in there that I think the judges will like.

Score: 8, 8, 9 (Um, ok Bruno. Calm down.)

Martina Navratilova, Jive: Dr. Tony is telling Martina that she has insecurities. And then he uses some kind of mind magic to get her to not be insecure anymore. Also, Martina is wearing a netted shirt that is not doing her any favors. And she just kissed Len! Oh hey, Martina. The beginning is not good. Martina doesn’t know the steps and is just kind of hopping. They do a pass through, and it kind of picks up in the middle, but then just falls apart again. Oh no. If Gladys got a 5, Martina might get a 4 from Len. “That serve went into the net.” Thanks for that, Bruno.

Score: 6, 5, 6

Martina is just the cutest. She knows she messed up and she’s super gracious. Love her!

Donald Driver, Quickstep: I’m excited for this. Donald did a great Latin dance last week, and because he’s an athlete I think this dance definitely has the potential to be strong and fast. But he seems to be having a lot of trouble with the steps. But he’s not a quitter! And I was spot on – great partnering! A huge leap from Peeta in the middle. Fire feet! And Len just said he “undermarked” Donald last week. That’s got to be a first! Len admits he was wrong! This is the craziest season everrrrr.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Gavin DeGraw, Jive: Gavin DeGraw is like one of those beatniks that just wants to snap his fingers and wear his hat and say things like “that’s jive.” But he doesn’t want to dance the Jive. Jump split! And some Elvis moves! There’s some good footwork going on. Some good kicks. He could probably get his leg higher in the air if he really wanted to. Bruno really likes his leather. I’m not totally sure what that was supposed to be.

Score: 7, 7, 7

William Levy, Quickstep: Oh, don’t even bother trying to listen to Tom Bergeron. William Levy is about to go on. And the volume of the ballroom just got insane. Cheryl brings out the balance bar! Already! That thing is torture. I’m a little nervous for little William. But regardless, he’s going through to the next round, no question. His top half looks great. But his legs are weird. It wasn’t the fastest Quickstep, but he was in control. His frame was good. It was pleasant.

Score: 9, 7, 9

William Levy has no idea what Bruno is saying. I’m not entirely sure he knows what Carrie Ann is saying.

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