KISS and Leather: It’s Rock Week on Dancing with the Stars!

So I missed last week’s recap but this is what happened: Jaleel White went all kinds of crazy and the judges handed out the first 10s! It was also “Personal Story Week” and I was a whole mess of tears. Seriously, I cried for two hours. It was terrible. But I got it together. I’m no sissy.

This is “Rock Week” and as we speak KISS is performing. But with all that makeup, I’m not totally sure it’s the original band. Did ABC only shell out for a cover band? Also, all the dancers performing right now just look like mimes. Not rock ‘n roll. In fact, this show has a very weird take on rock, and it’s basically this: one part black leather, three parts eye makeup, five parts no shirts, 11 parts hair extensions. Mix with 80’s classics, heavy on guitar. Shake and pour.

Oh, Lord. What is Brooke wearing? It’s like someone slit open a tire and made it into a halter.

Sherri Shepherd, Tango: I’m excited for Sherri to do a serious dance. I’m excited for her to show a little anger. She’s angry at Val, but she likes when he takes his shirt off. So it’s about the passion. Oh, I forgot. Rock Week is also two parts corsets and one part mesh netting. Well Sherri is definitely suited to the dances where charisma is more important than technique. Her Tango isn’t bad, it just didn’t look as intricate as it could be. And she seemed a little heavy-footed.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Katherine Jenkins, Paso Doble: Paso! Paso! My favorite dance is here! Katherine got 10s last week, and I feel like she can definitely keep it up. Except she’s giggling too much. So Mark takes her cage fighting. It’s the only way to learn how to Paso. Wow. It’s kind of hard to recognize Katherine with all the hair and makeup she has going on. And since I can’t really tell it’s her, it’s almost like I’m watching a professional dancer with Mark. She’s doing great skirt work! But the judges are being so critical! Too much intensity! Too much promise! Too much attack! I think they’re off their rockers.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Jaleel White, Tango: So there were stories last week that Jaleel is abusive and he started a fight with Kym and so everyone’s been trying really hard to do damage control and it’s making me think that Jaleel might be legit crazy. But I do love Kym. And if she can stand by him, so can I. But he doesn’t know who Mick Jagger is? That’s ludicrous. My first impression of this song is that it’s too fast for the dance. It’s making Jaleel and Kym look like they’re moving extra slow. But there are high kicks! I think Jaleel has lost his fire. Or might be half-assing it. Len is looking for more aggression, and I agree.

Score: 8, 7, 7

Melissa Gilbert, Paso Doble: I’m not gonna lie, Melissa should have gone before Jack Wagner. I think she’s forgettable. But now Maks is starting to yell at her, and maybe that will keep her around because it’s good television. Ugh. Maks is throwing her around the dance floor. She seems a little unsure in hold, but better when she can dance by herself. She did a good job being aggressive, and it was definitely one of her better dances. But I’m over it.

Score: 7, 8, 7 (It’s a windfall of 7s tonight)

Hand to God, Brooke’s hair just got caught in Melissa’s dress.

Donald Driver, Paso Doble: Peeta thinks that Donald is going to kill the Paso, and I agree. He’s right in saying that athletes are usually very good at this dance. But he’s not just athletic, he’s a great dancer and extremely graceful. So I’m excited. Oh and Jimi Hendrix! And right off that bat people are getting thrown around. And high kicks! Hmm. I feel like we could have used five more seconds of dancing. Instead of just brute strength. But it was good.

Score: 9, 9, 9

Gladys Knight, Tango: I just love her so much. Gladys is in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. So this is her night. Tristan in eye makeup kind of freaks me out. Also, I think I wore Gladys’ costume in a third grade tap recital. The routine seemed long, which is probably a bad thing. And the song, Bohemian Rhapsody, seemed too hard for her to stand up too. The beginning was good, but it kind of got slow and heavy from middle to end. And the judges are complimenting her class. It’s not good when they aren’t critical.

Score: 7, 6, 7

William Levy, Jive: William also got a 10 last week, but he knows nothing about rock because he’s from Cuba and they have no music there. For me, the cultural differences are kind of losing their endearing quality. You’re not an idiot William. You’ve also been in America for a while. So, it started out great. There was a lot of kicking and flicking. And then William tried a trick and Cheryl’s shoe came off the it all went down hill from there. You could tell he was disappointed and he couldn’t get his swagger back. The judges are kind of mad at him for not nailing his routines.

Score: 7, 7, 8

Roshon Fagan, Viennese Waltz: I hate when Roshon raps. Like, it’s not necessary. I can’t tell if he’s rapping or trying to actually talk. He needs to get rid of that facade of crazy. Also, how is the Viennese Waltz rock? Oh, it’s not. I’m not sure what this song is, but it seems like it should be in a Nicholas Sparks movie. However, this dance is good. Roshon is a good dancer, and he could really do a very good job in this competition. He has grace, athleticism, musicality, everything. But again, bonkers.

Score: 9, 8, 9 (but he got Len to say “Good job, dawg.”)

Maria Menunous, Tango: So everyone’s all like, “are they dating, blah, blah.” Doesn’t anyone think it’s weird that Derek dates every single one of his co-stars under the age of 35? No one thinks that’s weird? I’m just saying. But then again, she does look like Cheryl Cole, who he also allegedly dated. Anyway, Maria has like 5,000 injuries and there’s tears and she’s going to push through, you guys! So Maria’s school-girl costume flew off her body! Shocker. Derek is rocking a cutoff leather vest and a mohawk. It’s a strong look. The dance was good. It had all the right elements. But I just can’t get excited about these two, yet.

Score: 9, 8, 9

John Stamos and Nia Vardalos are in the audience. Because Greeks stick together.

Gavin DeGraw, Tango: Is Gavin going to perform to one of his own songs? Is he rock enough? Karina is trying to tape his mouth shut. Can this poor kid catch a break? Let’s try to get out of the bottom this week GD! Maybe if you take off the hat. So. Ok. Because of their black and purple costumes I couldn’t see their legs. But if I’m right, there was a lot of fierce Tango-ing going on. All the judges are saying his frame was bad. I didn’t see it. But again, I couldn’t see. Carrie Ann thinks Gavin looked like Johnny Depp. She has a crush on him.

Score: 8, 8, 7

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