It has come to my attention over my 28 years on this planet that extremely white people are just not cut out for heat waves. Like at all. The past two days in New York City have been absolutely brutal, and I am seriously (seriously!) considering a move to northern Scotland, Ireland, or somewhere on the UK countryside where I can enjoy dampness and cool sea air for the rest of my life. (It’s also possible that I have a warped sense of what these countries are like on a day-to-day basis. I blame Kate Middleton.)
I’ve tried to categorize for you the reasons why I, as an extremely pale female of mainly-Irish descent, should be so uncomfortable with this extreme weather, and I’ve found that not only am I extremely sensitive, I’m also a total complainer and a bit of a brat. But I know you’ll all bear with me.
1. I went for a walk at 7:30am yesterday because the heat was going to be bad mid-day and I saw a rat just chilling in front of an apartment building and like, peeling a whole banana and I started to audibly dry-heave and because it was so hot I couldn’t stop.
2. I had a job interview yesterday which meant that I had to take the cross-town bus, walk to the 1 train and then walk 6 blocks. When I finally sat down in the waiting area my skin turned bright red and my hands felt like they were on fire for the next hour. I actually had to apologize when I shook the woman’s hand because I thought I might have burned her. And then I kept saying to everyone in the office “stay cool out there guys,” because I’m a lame middle-aged woman.
3. Due to the extreme heat I have absolutely no capacity for any sense of urgency, which in New York City means you will get steam-rolled everywhere you turn. I’ve been stepped on, pushed out of the way, and given the evil-eye by at least 23 people. But again, the lack of urgency leads me to not really care…
4. …except when I see people on the street with a blatant disregard for the heat and then I get infuriated!! Why am I standing here, sweating from my scalp all the way down to the back of my knees and Joe Schmo is wearing corduroy pants and a long sleeve button-down shirt?!? That is lunacy to me! Does he have some secret igloo that he got dressed in? Or does he have a death wish? CORDUROY pants, you guys! I can’t even imagine. I had corduroy overall shorts when I was 14 that were a fashion don’t for so many other reasons, but I also remember them being extremely uncomfortable and definitely caused a rash on my thighs. Also, I wore them for at least one day of a cruise to the Bahamas, so I know what I’m talking about.
5. I think I have some kind of adversity narcoplesy. Anytime my body senses that a struggle lies ahead I go to sleep. This happened a lot when I was homesick at the beginning of college and once when I ate a cheeseburger with a fried egg on top and my body responded poorly to it. It’s now happening with this extreme weather. Needless to say it’s not productive at all.
6. I have a heat rash on my neck that definitely looks like a hickey and really is not helping any professional aspirations I might have.
7. Also not helping is the fact that I’ve taken to wearing beach cover-ups as dresses to the office. I mean, I’m sans bathing suit, so I feel like it’s fine, but I’m not totally sure.
So, needless to say, this heat wave is kind of ruining my life and I need it to be over as soon as humanly possible. I’ve already spoken to the royal family, and they do not want to take me in, not even at Highgrove, despite the fact that I am extremely white and have a very advanced sense of entitlement.
Please stop the madness.