Dancing with the Stars: All Stars Week Three!


So the challenge posed by the DWTS judges for this week was this: “show us something we’ve never seen before.” I have a problem with this for several reasons. 1) Len Goodman doesn’t like anything new or non-traditional. 2) This nice family show can’t do anything outside of the box! It’s not what their viewers want! 3) Bristol Palin.

Nevertheless, here we are at Week Three, which is Double Elimination week! The celebrities are in charge of costumes, choreography, music, everything. No matter what happens, it will be some show!

Drew Lachey, Cha-cha-cha: So I guess the celebrities also have a to pick an iconic dance from a past season and transform it? But making it something the judges have never seen? I don’t understand. Drew wants to make this dance like a concert, and make Anna dance like stripper, which is definitely an attention getter. Beyonce! This dance has already won me over. And Anna just spun out of her skirt, a la Center Stage! That’s my favorite dance move ever! So I liked this dance. It was kind of nuts. Ugh. Nick and Vanessa are in the audience. I knew they’d show up sooner or later. It’s so hard to know what the judges are going to like. I’m nervous for scores.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Sarah Palin has lost a lot of weight. Observation.

Gilles Marini, Tango: Gilles doesn’t want to do an iconic dance. “Don’t repaint Picasso. Be one.” I can appreciate that. But he still had to pick something, so it’s Erin Andrews’ Tango. Fine. Whatever. Gilles is going to fly from the sky, which on live television is an interesting choice. Damn. He’s high up. That could have gone terribly wrong. Peta’s in underwear, but I have a feeling people have seen that before. Man, this guy can dance. And act. And just stand there really well. The men is this competition are doing a good job of being strong leads. It’s definitely something this season has over the others.

Score: 8.5, 8.5, 8.5

Melissa Rycroft, Samba: I think Melissa and Tony are good friends. Well, they eat lunch together at least. Melissa’s strategy is to throw herself around and land on her head. She wants people to say “how did they do that?!?!” Meaning, how did they kill themselves on live TV? Tony basically just used her head as a soccer ball and did some David Beckham tricks. As a Samba, it was fine. The tricks, I’m sure, were really hard, but they also looked super awkward. I just felt like Melissa’s face was in Tony’s crotch the whole time. The judges loved it, so I guess that’s what they wanted to see?

Score: 9, 9, 9

Apolo Ohno, Foxtrot: Karina is wearing a lot of blush lately. Just a sidenote. Apolo has chosen Gilles Foxtrot, which is ballsy since Gilles is standing right next to him all day long. Karina is a statue, and she comes to life. And there are statues all around the stage that are actually painted people, and I totally hate it. Ugh. It’s almost like mimes and clowns, and I want nothing to do with it. But Karina’s wearing fringe pants! I NEED a pair of those. Apolo’s arms look dumb. His footwork is great though. He looks like he’s ice skating.

Score: 9, 8, 8.5

Jamie Gertz is in the audience. I love her. She could literally star in anything I would think it’s hilarious. That’s all.

Kelly Monaco, : Kelly was off from General Hospital this week, so she could really kill it. To prove a point, she’s challenging Val to dance Maks’s iconic Paso Doble. That’s a bold move, because I feel like Maks would have no problem killing them. Regardless, I love the Paso Doble! Kelly Monaco is so little. Last week Carrie Ann told her to “dance bigger,” and she’s definitely doing that. I still feel like her lines could be better, and she came out of some of her spins a little awkwardly (probably dizzy!), but other than that it was beautiful. Also, I think Kelly and Val are sleeping together.

Score: 9, 9, 9

Bombshell Announcement Number One! There is going to be a special guest judge next Monday and it’s going to be…PAULA ABDUL. I can’t even. You guys remember Hey Paula, right? Ok. Well, just picture that live. Ohmygodsogreat.

Kirstie Alley, Cha-cha-cha: Kirstie picked Carson Kressley’s “Moves Like Jagger,” and I’m really excited. All Kirstie wants to do is show her boobs and shake her hair. Which is probably not going to get great technical points, but it will be fun. And she’s putting Maks in leggings. Also, Maks has no facial hair, which is totally throwing me off. I literally cannot recognize him. There’s a Mini Cooper with a Union Jack involved in this for some reason. Like I kind of get it, but I don’t. Oh, there’s the hairography. So. There was some dancing. But mostly Maks just strutting around and then they kiss and she faints. It was just ok.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Brooke: “That was so fun, we were laughing so hard up here.” Is that a compliment?

Sabrina Bryan, : I didn’t know Sabrina before, but I think she’s adorable. She seems really sweet and normal, and she’s also kind of an amazing dancer. She’s doing Mel B.’s Paso Doble, which she dedicated to Sabrina after she got eliminated early. I’ve seen Sabrina Paso, and it’s great, so I’m really excited about this. Like, really. And Sabrina doesn’t want to break any rules! Holy. God. That. Was. The. Best. Paso. This. Show. Has. Ever. Seen. She is so strong. At times she looks like she’s going to go out of control but she doesn’t. She’s so fast. Ugh. Carrie Ann is being terrible. She wasn’t surprised. Because Sabrina is always good. Oh, relax. Also Sabrina’s boobs were about to pop out at any moment and that really made me nervous.

Score: 8.5, 8.5, 8.5 (I’m sorry, that dance was so much better than anyone else’s. If this girl gets eliminated early again I am flying to Los Angeles and giving some people a stern talking to.

Seriously, what is going on in Cloud Atlas????

Emmitt Smith, Paso Doble: There’s a live donkey in the ballroom, and I’m not sure why. Their scenery is making me think of Mexican food and now I’m hungry. Emmitt’s choreography is like, I’m gonna run, and then I’m gonna slide. So this looks like it’s gonna go well. Oh! Cape work. I hate that only men can do the cape work, because I want to do it some day. So far, this looks like every Paso I’ve ever seen. Right down to the costumes. Oh, nice twist jump! And he did end up sliding across the floor. It was a good, solid Paso. But based on what just happened with Sabrina, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m all kinds of confused.

Score: 8.5, 8, 8.5

Why are we saving Bristol for the end?

Helio Castroneves, Quickstep: Helio having creative control is hilarious, because he’s accent is out of control and no one can understand him. He’s chosen one of Apolo’s dances, so Apolo came in to psych him out. He’s all like, “if I got 10s then, you’re gonna get 5s now.” That’s cold. He should get minus points for the dress he put Chelsie in. The stripes are totally effing with my eyes. I feel like something happened somewhere in the middle – Chelsie lost her footing and had to hold on to Helio? Carrie Ann says he got caught in Chelsie’s dress. I’m telling you, that dress is haunting everyone. They just replayed it, and I’ll tell ya, Chelsie is a great pro partner. Some other people would have been on their ass.

Score: 8.5, 8.5, 8.5 So…Sabrina, with no slip ups, got the same score as Helio, who’s partner tripped over herself? It’s times like these I’m sure this show is rigged.

Bristol Palin, Paso Doble: Bristol’s attitude kills me. She thinks she’s sooo much better than she is, and she’s horrible to Mark. And now she’s blaming him. She thinks Mark’s upset because he didn’t get Shawn or Sabrina as a partner. Apparently he didn’t show up to a rehearsal? And now she’s texting. Because that’s going to solve the problem. And now’s she’s left. But now, live, she’s a chess piece with a very high collar. I think this is her take on Derek and Joanna Krupa’s futuristic Paso. For Bristol is was good – it was clean, it was precise. But there wasn’t anything to it. Just moving around the floor and throwing your hands up.

Score: 7.5, 7.5, 7.5

Bombshell Announcement Number Two! The celebrities are going to be picking dances for each other! Most of the dances they’ve never done before on the show. Oh My Geez!

Why is Brooke wearing a sundress? She’s usually in an evening gown, no? This girl. I can’t.

Shawn Johnson, Quickstep: Shawn wants to bring in trampolines. Like these two need to seem more energetic. Shawn wants to break all the rules. And Derek’s all nervous. But Shawn’s like, eff it, we’re doing it, only she said it cuter. So Shawn and Derek basically just jumped all over the stage and off the stairs, and over each other, and I don’t know if it was a Quickstep, but it was fun and I really like Shawn’s pants. Also I like Derek’s suspenders. A standing ovation from the ballroom! This is the BEST dance Bruno has EVER seen in 15 seasons! But they did break the rules, so I’m not sure what their scores are going to be. Like, at all.

Score: 9, 8, 9.5

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