So Audrey Marks is still concussed, but she promises she’ll begin recapping this damn show next week. In the interim, I’m going to attempt to tell you what happened last night on Pretty Little Liars, but I have to warn you, I went to a bar after work to watch the second half of the US v. Belgium match. It was 90 degrees in the place, I only had yogurt for lunch, and I had a glass of wine. By the end of the game I had no idea where I was (heat poisoning is real). My only reference points for last nights PLL episode are mine and Audrey’s incoherent text messages. So bear with me.
Last night’s show opened with Hanna’s new hair (same blonde, new black streaks) and Aria’s bowler hat/jumper combo. Bad looks were had by all. Also, Spencer is, for reasons unbeknownst to us all, wearing a terrible wig. None of this moves the plot forward. I just felt like it needed to be pointed out.
Everyone is freaking out. Aria still has PTSD, and we all know the best way to solve that is to watch your victim’s funeral (because, you know, people film funerals now and upload them to the internet) over and over again. Ali is also freaking out because her dad suggests that she finally go to that pesky medical exam she’s been putting off since she GOT HOME AFTER BEING MISSING FOR TWO YEARS. Isn’t that like, a requirement for adolescents who claim they were kidnapped/held captive? At the very least, it would be part of the criminal investigation, right? But we all know the Rosewood PD has no intention of investigating anything ever.
Last week, Emily was all like “Paige, stay away from me, we can never be around each other, ever.” And this week, she invites Paige out for coffee, seemingly days later. This show is an emotional roller coaster. Paige warns Emily that there’s people out there that who aren’t happy Ali is back, because Ali was terrible to them and they want revenge. Emily’s response: “maybe hanging out this afternoon wasn’t a good idea.” Ugh. Not everything is about you, Emily.
Sidney Driscoll was in two scenes. Nothing else to report there.
Spencer is starting to think her dad killed Mrs. D. Which is not a crazy thought to have. Ali tells her the cause of death had something to do with her heart medication, that it was probably switched out for something else. Mrs. Hastings also reveals to Spencer that Mrs. D. was going to name Spencer as the killer of the girl in Ali’s grave (as I mentioned last week, this has become a B-plotline and is just casually dropped into conversation like an afterthought; I NEED TO KNOW MORE). Mr. Hastings threatened to tell Mr. D. about the affair he and Mrs. D. had (that produced Jason) and ruin their marriage if she did. Then the Hastings found out the DiLaurentis’s were getting divorced, and they feared Mrs. D. no longer had a reason to keep quiet (MOTIVE!). Spencer finds rodent poison in her house, and finds that it was purchased right before Mrs. D.’s death. She also finds heart pills in a cabinet in her kitchen. She’s still pinning it on her dad, but I think Mrs. Hastings may know more than she let on. I also think Spencer killed somebody in a pill-induced haze. I also think Spencer’s A. There, I said it.
Ali spent most of the episode lying to doctors, recording her lies and making her friends memorize them, and reading a Tumblr dedicated to her death. We still have no answers to anything.
Audrey and I both agree that the promos for Chasing Life and Young & Hungry make us want to kill.
Aria and Ezra had weirdness this episode, probably because Aria went over to his house and basically asked him if he wanted to watch Shana’s funeral on YouTube. She needs to just stay away from that part of town.
Hanna has two vices: stealing and eating. She is stealing again. When will she start eating again?!
Happy 4th of July, bitches.