Tag Archives: God Is Laughing At Me

by | January 13, 2011 · 6:45 am

Go, Go, Go Shorty, It’s Your Birthday

Today is my birthday!! Woot woot! But before we get too excited, I have to tell you that I am extremely touch and go with such days. Fortunately, I haven’t had a bday meltdown since the Disaster of 2004:

Me, between sobs: Now I’m never going to be a professional tennis player!
Mom: You’ve never played tennis.
Me: Exactly…I’m never going to be an Olympic gymnast…
Mom: You got kicked out of classes when you were five because they thought you were going to hurt yourself…
Me: I should have been more driven.

With that said, I think I might be due for the next one. And it scares me. So handle with care today. If you make some crack about me being closer to 30 than 20 and I start to cry, don’t take it too seriously. It’s just me being obnoxiously oversensitive to getting older. But really, anyone who says something like that is kind of a jerk.

Here’s to the Big 2-7! Cheers!

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by | January 11, 2011 · 9:26 am

For Reals, This Was the Dream I Had Last Night

I have some pretty effed-up dreams. Mostly because they’re so lifelike that it takes me a few minutes after waking up to realize they weren’t real. Like, I could be eating breakfast by the time I realize I’m not actually pregnant with John Krasinki’s baby. And it freaks me out.

So imagine my horror at the doozy I wound up with last night:

So I’m innocently riding the L train in Chicago with Kanye West (obviously) when some dude who looks like Lourdes Ciccone’s father takes a silver wine opener (butterfly style, not the jackknife kind) to Kanye’s ear and threatens his life. There’s no explanation as to what this dude is so upset about, Kanye refuses to relent and the Madonna’s baby-daddy look-alike screws that wine opener right into Kanye’s head, through his brain, and kills him dead. Then, he threatens to kill my entire family if I tell anyone, because apparently out of the 500 people on the L train, I’m the only one that sees this. He gets off at the next stop, as do I, because hey, it’s my stop.

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by | December 31, 2010 · 2:12 pm

2010: Wrong in All the Right Ways

If someone had told me in January that 2010 was going to turn out the way it did, I probably would have burst out crying…in fact, I’m pretty sure someone (or several people) did try to tell me this, and I most definitely did burst out crying. So thank you to those people all those months ago. You were right. I was wrong. Admitting defeat is going to be one of my New Year’s resolutions.

There are so many adages and clichés I could use to sum up this past year – “We plan, God laughs;” “Everything happens for a reason;” “Roll with the punches;” and my least favorite of all time: “You can’t get to the rainbow without going through the rain.” Ugh. But it’s so true.

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