Smurf Mass Murder: This is What Black Friday Does to People

Ok, so it wasn’t Black Friday, because quite frankly, it’s hard for me to be pulled into shopping on a regular day, let alone the most crowded shopping day of the year. But I was at the Palisades Mall a few weeks ago looking for a dress for my cousin’s wedding and came upon this disturbing scene. I guess I could blame Gargamel.

There are many theories we could go by, since clearly the authorities are not investigating this incident as closely as they should be. Again, Gargamel is an easy suspect. But I also feel like this could have been some type of murdercide situation. You can’t see it in the picture above, but the Smurf in the middle has a pencil stuck up his nose. And right in front of the Macy’s Santa mailbox. What a terrible way to go.

We also should consider the fact that Smurfette is nowhere to be seen. Maybe she’d finally had it with the years of sexism and oppression in Smurf village. I always thought she had shifty eyes. (Sidenote: I just read on Wikipedia that Smurfette was created by Gargamel. This explains A LOT)

So this is really bothersome, and I’m gonna try to get to the bottom of it. Something tells me there’s some sordid backstory we don’t know about. Like the Smurfs were involved in some kind of underground drug culture, or maybe Aunt Jacque was right and the Smurfs truly are evil.