Of Course This Would Happen on My Birthday

When I was 19, I went searching for my birth certificate so they’d let me through the Canadian border. To my shock and horror I discovered a truth so unspeakable I can’t believe I’m writing about it now…that’s right – I actually have a middle name.

For years, my mom insisted that I had a first name that was two words, but no middle name. She made everyone in my family call me Kelly Ann, and became extremely offended when they did not. I had to explain to people that, no, Ann was part of my first name. No, it’s two words. No, there is not a hyphen. So you can imagine how upset I was when I came to find that Ann is actually my middle name, my mother had been lying to me all these years, and I’d been living under an identity that was not truly my own. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for weeks.

Just when I thought I was over it, another bombshell. The universe has decided to give me the middle finger and completely alter my astrological makeup. And by this I mean, they’ve gone and changed the Zodiac calendar.

As Gawker told us yesterday, “astronomers have restored the original Babylonian zodiac by recalculating the dates that correspond with each sign to accommodate millennia of subtle shifts in the Earth’s axis.” But what does it all mean??? According to the new chart, I’m technically a Sagittarius, and after some diligent Googling, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I now have to be unreliable and scattered. Hey, blame astrology. That’s what I’m going to start telling my bosses.

I also see that Jeanie has gone from Aquarius to Capricorn, which means she has to stop lying to people about their real names. See? Karma’s a bitch.