My new, customized, safe-to-say-fairly-awesome Reebok Easytones arrived in the mail yesterday! Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these sneakers from reaching my doorstep. And I’m in love with them – note the word LOVE on the back heel. Friggin’ awesome.
I was told that my new kicks were going to take up to six weeks for delivery, which, despite being customized, I found extremely odd. What, I asked myself, could possibly be done to these sneakers that would take six weeks? I know they have special powers and have completely made Sofia Vergara the bombshell that she is, but seriously, six weeks? Come to find out, my sneakers had an itinerary. And they can now boast that they’ve covered more miles in less time than really anyone else in the history of existence.
Apparently my Easytones are Vietnamese, as they were birthed in Ho Chi Minh City on January 21. Luckily, they were saved from the evil sweatshop where they were most likely made (I feel bad about this) and were whisked away to Singapore, probably by some rich pair of Nikes who were just looking for some young, hot trophy wives.
Down on their luck and looking for a way out of these proposed loveless marriages, my Easytones went stowaway on a FedEx cargo plane destined for Anchorage, AK. There, they had a brief encounter with Sarah Palin, who was looking for some help shaping up for both her on-air commentaries on FoxNews and her potential run in 2012. The Easytones had to shoot their way out of that mess, creating just enough of a diversion to slip by SP, but they’ve promised that will be the only time they handle a gun.
From Alaska, the Easytones found yet another FedEx cargo plane, sweet-talked the driver and hightailed it to Indianapolis. It was here they visited Butler’s Hinkle Fieldhouse and did their own reenactment of the final scene in Hoosiers. The left shoe played Jimmy and the right shoe played Shooter. There was no Gene Hackman. Tiring of this, they decided it was finally time they made it to their rightful home, and hitched a ride with some friendly trucker headed towards Boston.
Because I have serious Irish tree stumps for legs, I’m so excited that these shoes have arrived. And the fact they’re hot pink and neon yellow makes it that much more enjoyable. The next time you see me, I’ll probably look like this. Ok, maybe not, but it’s worth a shot.