Things I Just Can’t Wrap My Head Around

It’s Tuesday night. I’m innocently watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale episode for the 157th time. I’m making dinner in my toaster oven and drinking Crystal Light iced tea, minding my own business, when I’m bombarded by a commercial for the Christian dating site,

Now, I’m not a hater by any means. I’ve tried online dating, my friends have tried online dating, my cousin just married the man of her dreams after meeting him online. But this is what I take issue with – the site’s slogan: “Find God’s Match for You.” Um, no.

First of all, I find this offensive. Every Sunday at Church (or, you know, sporadic Sundays and holidays), we’re told that we need to “let go and let God.” Between Catholic grammar school and a Jesuit college, I can’t imagine how many times I’ve been told that God has a plan for us. Now, ChristianMingle is telling me that this plan requires me to log onto their website and browse people’s profiles, which is clearly implying that God has gotten lazy, and I’m not going to stand for that kind of talk.

So I began reading some of the testimonials, and I’ll admit, some of them are kind of cute. But of course, one in particular jumped out at me: “Thank you so much for allowing God to use Christian Mingle to introduce me to my wonderful fiancĂ©.” Dear EYESOFTHELORD – God does not have a computer. And if he did, he’d be too busy shutting down Kanye West’s tweets or updating his Facebook page to create a singles site (God and I have five friends in common).

But this is really the thought that threw me for a loop – at the end of the commercial, the weird-voiced man says “sometimes we wait for God to make the next move, when God is saying ‘it’s your time to act.'” What? Does God do TV commercials now? If this was 2000-plus years ago, this would be exactly what it was like writing the Bible. Divine inspiration!! No. It’s just creepy.

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Filed under WORST Things Ever

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