Someone in My Building has a Serious Agenda

Back in April, ABC announced that it was going to cancel the long-running daytime soap operas All My Children and One Life to Live. While clearly devastating news, I haven’t been home during the day in about, oh, 22 years, so I did not feel this news pertained to me, nor did I think I’d be talking about it now, a month later. However, this has apparently come as quite a blow to someone in my apartment building.

When I first saw this flyer (poster? aggressive propaganda?) taped to the wall in my front entrance earlier this week, I thought it said “Save Seals.” I like seals, so I guess I was fine with it. The acronyms were unintelligible to me, and I didn’t really give it much thought after that. But yesterday, coming home from what was once again an awesome Zumba class, groceries in hand and struggling to find my keys, I gave the sign a second glance. “Save Soaps AMC and OLTL!” I went back and forth about publishing this phone number, but ultimately determined this person is asking for it.

Now, let’s talk about this sign, line by line if you will. I’m just assuming at this point, but did someone forget the “S” in Soaps? It looks a little cramped. And the usage of capital letters is inconsistent. This person’s decision to use acronyms instead of the full titles of the shows can only mean that he/she is focused on only reaching a certain demographic, i.e. people who refer to soap opera shows by their acronym and people like me who are just simply inquisitive. And finally, why is the exclamation point the so much bolder than everything else? I ran for student council like 50 times, and had a 99.9% success rate. I know how to make a poster. This ain’t it.

Moving away from the sign itself, let’s discuss what kind of person would take time out of their day for such a campaign. This person clearly stays at home during daylight hours, gets highly involved in made-up dramatic content, and possibly has cats (seriously, I could be a FBI profiler).

There is someone in my building I’ve never seen but who gets lots of packages in the mail, sometimes several a day. In my mind, he/she is the real life version of Sandra Bullock’s character in The Net. But I feel like this kind of person wouldn’t reach out to the community. There’s also an older gentlemen I walk to the T with everyday who seems like a loony toon and refers to his top floor apartment as the “penthouse.” But he’s an Amtrak conductor, so I’m assuming he’s out of the house most of the time. This can only leave the person who lives above me who is a heavy walker. It doesn’t matter what time of day, whether I’m home sick, getting in late or waking up early, that mofo is walking all around his or her apartment with what can only be lead shoes. And, since this person is clearly home all the time, he/she must be the daytime soap opera culprit. Case solved (with only a little bit of jumping to conclusions and downright untruths).

So if you feel so inclined, please call the number above and help out this unfortunate soul who is about to lose everything they so cherish in life. And let me know what happens when you do!