Dancing with the Stars: Now that World Peace is Out of the Picture, Let’s Get the Competition Going!

So Ron Artest is gone, which means I can finally unclench my butt cheeks. Seriously. He scared me like no other. He was involved in that Detroit Pistons/Indianapolis Pacers brawl right? Yeah, this is what I’m saying. It looks like we’re doing the Quickstep and Jive tonight, which is super fun because these are my two favorite dances. They’re fast and furious – no wonder the opening package showed everyone passing out. I’m excited!

Hope Solo, Jive: Hope is playing soccer and dancing, and I just think this is ludicrous. She’s having a tough time kicking correctly, because all she wants to do is kick a ball. You guyyyyysss! Maks and Hope are dressed up like soccer players. Well, something like that. And they’re kind of all over the place. Maybe it’s because her sneakers are high heels! It just kind of looks like she’s jumping all over the place. It was silly. And I didn’t love it.

Score: 6, 7, 6

Hm. Has Brooke worn that dress before? Someone look that up!

Kristen Cavallari, Quickstep: I’m so excited for the first Quickstep!! This is my favorite. And I think Kristen can pull off the quick movements and the elegance. She doesn’t even look like herself dancing. She could seriously be Marilyn Monroe. The skill was there. The performance. Everything! And a well deserved, raucous standing ovation! Carrie Ann: Stunning. Sophisticated. GORGEOUS!!!!! But Len points out that they did break hold. Which they did. But don’t be a hater, Len.

Score: 8, 7, 7

David Arquette, Jive: “This Jive is like me; silly but complicated.” Accurate. Kym is frustrated. David thinks he’s got the dance down pat, and she knows he doesn’t. Oh, but there are gold pants involved! Yess. Um. Ok. This is weird. He can do all the things. Except kick his feet. Which is pretty much the entire point of the dance. Carrie Ann’s talking about his enthusiasm. Which can only mean that you did bad, but she likes you.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Elisabetta Canalis, Quickstep: I’m not excited about this. The language barrier makes things awkward. Her awkward dancing makes things…awkward. I don’t know. It’s hard for me to watch. Val is not nice. Oh now they’re fighting. She definitely knows the word shit. Ok. Off to a good start! She’s athletic enough to pull this dance off. Her steps are quick, but why is Val letting her dance by herself. Ahhhh. Ok, that was SO much better than last week. I will definitely give her a lot of credit. Good job.

Score: 7, 7, 7

So, we here in the kitchen think that Val and Elisabetta may have an abusive partnership. And by we I mean me and Dad.

Rob Kardashian, Jive: So Rob has body issues. Which is endearing. Because I feel like he’s a true little brother. But then he turns it into something a little bratty, which bothers me. And he just tried to do something weird and ended up putting a hole in the wall. His kicks aren’t fast. But he’s spot on with the music. And he can throw Cheryl around. So that’s an asset to any male star. Also I really like his Hawaiian shirt.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Carson Kressley, Quickstep: Ok, so this might be tough for Carson, because I feel like the male part of this dance has to be very masculine, while still being graceful. He has to bring the performance, but bring a serious, elegant version of himself. So it looks like they’re just gonna go in another direction, and make it as quirky as possible. But the dance is lacking the enthusiasm of last week. It was cute, but not great. Len: “If I held my knife and fork like you held Anna I would starve to death.” I don’t know what that means, but yes.

Score: 6, 6, 6

Ricki Lake, Jive: I get nervous when the older people do the Jive. They just always seem to hate it. Not that Ricki’s old. But she’s older. And Derek’s “challenging” her with the steps. So he’s basically trying to kill her. Ricki Lake is really pretty. I never really noticed. And she comes out guns-a-blazing! She’s dancing so fast! And there’s tricky arm moves! And spinning! But there were no kicks hardly. No flicks, I guess is the right word. Bruno’s just excited that she “got to sit on Derek,” which, settle down, this is a family show.

Score: 8, 7, 8

Ok. Brooke Burke needs to simmer. Anytime Derek is within a foot of her, she needs to let everyone know that Derek was her partner. Re-Lax. Seriously.

Chaz Bono, Quickstep: Oh the posture bar is out! The posture bar is the modern day shackles. And Chaz’s knees are basically falling off. So Lacey needs to chillax. And she’s taking things out of the routine so that Chaz doesn’t hurt himself. This song is so fast, and you can tell that Lacey just wants to explode in it. But they’re taking things slow. Chaz is hitting all the steps. But everything is slow and heavy. But done well at the very least. And there’s a nice throw-spin at the end! Nice toss, Chaz!

Score: 6, 5, 6

Chynna Phillips, Jive: I just listened to “Hold On” and did a drum solo in the kitchen. It’s was epic. Chynna’s yelling at Jesus. I kind of missed why that was happening. Chynna has a sick body. It’s depressing. But she’s not kicking that much, again. This dance is cute. But I don’t know how much of it is a Jive. She can totally dance. But I didn’t see a lot of the flicks. Gotta have the flicks. I think she was just trying to sex it up for this one. Carrie Ann thinks she played it safe. Agreed. Len called it “polite.” Great word.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Nancy Grace, Quickstep: Tristan is back! Oh I love him. He’s so Irish. Why is Nancy giving him a hard time? She won’t show him the moves! Don’t treat Tristan like that Nancy! And Tristan storms out. Nice. Real nice. Now Nancy’s crying. Ugh. Don’t give in to her! He’s adorable. Ok. I’m back. Sorry. Oh hey, hair extensions! New hair and some swagger! Nancy’s Quickstepping like a pro! Again, not fast, but better. Much better. They should rethink the brown though. They kind of look like two turds.

Score: 6, 8, 7 (What?! An 8! Crazy!)

J.R. Martinez, Jive: J.R. is worried that he’s the least known, so he has to work the hardest to get the votes. But I think he’s freakin’ awesome. Oh hey, kicks! Ok, now this is a J. I. V. E. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It got the tiniest of slow in the middle, but the tiniest! It was the best dance of the night, by far. And at times it was hard to tell who was the pro and who was the star. Ugh. Len is complaining it was a Lindy Hop. Shut up, Len. They were the only people doing kicks! I’m screaming in my kitchen and doing kicks and I’m mad! I love J.R. VOTE FOR HIM!!!!!

Score: 7, 7, 8 (These scores are atrocious!!)