It’s Movie Night on Dancing with the Stars!

So I love DWTS, but after the moves I saw on the dance floor at my cousin Fallon’s wedding yesterday, I don’t know if these celebrities are going to impress me tonight. However, it is “Movie Night” and the dances are always fun!

Question: are all the chosen movie themes for the night about superheros? Because everyone is dressed like Wonderwoman, even the men. No one at the wedding was dressed like Wonderwoman. Point, DWTS. But Brooke is basically wearing a version of the bridesmaids dresses. So point, Fallon’s wedding.

I should also warn everyone that if the recap seems to fall off mid-show, it’s because I passed out. There’s only so many hours you can wear Spanx without it severely affecting you the next day.

On to the movies!

Chynna Phillips, Tango: Chynna is dancing to the Mission Impossible theme, and everyone is upset about Kristin going home last week. It’s like shit just got real and everything. And the stress is getting to Chynna because she’s not listening to Tony, and Tony hates that. He’s all charming and nice but when people refuse to listen to him it gets ugly. He scares me a little. Um, Tony is hanging from the ceiling. This is live television. That’s risky. And Chynna has a garter up on the top of her thigh. This is family television. That’s risque. Something weird is happening. It’s like Chynna forgot all the moves. Is she injured? What’s going on? She literally had a panic attack in the middle of the dance. Oh, Brooke is explaining to us that it happened to her. To “humanize the moment.” Thanks, Brooke. Thanks a lot.

Score: 7, 7, 7

So here are the stars in the audience: Courtney Cox, Billy Baldwin, Rosanna Arquette and Cher. That’s a big deal. Good for you DWTS.

David Arquette, Paso Doble: The first Paso of the season! I’m kind of depressed that it’s David Arquette performing it. I love me a good Paso Doble. And I don’t know if he can pull it off. I think the producers have given everyone drugs. Everyone is acting like they’re just learning to walk for the first time. David has Raiders of the Lost Ark so he swung into the dance floor on a vine. Natch. And he just did a nice leap! Almost ran into the audience, but it was high! This Paso is fun and different – is has an Amazonian feel to it, and Kym put in some hard elements. It wasn’t perfect, but it was interesting.

Score: 8, 7, 8

Carson Kressley, Viennese Waltz: I’m becoming a big fan of Carson. And Carson’s a big fan of dressing like a pirate. Because he gets to wear jewelry. And they’ve brought in a real pirate to help with the sword fighting maneuvers. Oh no, he’s just a stuntman, and Carson wants to date him. So. Carson has a parrot on his head. It’s not real. And they’re coming onto the dance floor on a boat. And their dance is more like a jig in a pub than a Viennese Waltz. He does look like a drunk pirate. So the character is spot on.

Score: 7, 6, 7 (Ok, just a note to Len: Chynna didn’t do half her dance. Her scores shouldn’t be higher than anyone else’s.)

Nancy Grace Paso Doble: Tristan has shown up on the set of Nancy’s show to see how tough she can be. Because law school is all about aggression. Like this dance. Which Nancy is calling the Pass-eh Dob-lay. And she wants to kill him in the end. So we’ll see if that happens. The Flash Gordon theme song is weird. But Nancy is doing a good job. She’s steady on her feet, which is half the battle with this dance. She seems sure of herself. There was a little bit of a stumble in the end, I think she was supposed to go under Tristan’s leg or do a split or something. Again, splits. You can’t come back from that.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Hope Solo, Foxtrot: These two are dressed like cowboys. Let me just say, it’s not a great look for either of them. Maks is making Hope upset, and he needs to be careful, because she could totally take him. Hope is doing well in this dance because it’s focused on the lower body. She can really bend her knees well and sit into her posture. But Maks should never let her stand by herself. It’s just awkward. This was probably the better of her dances, but it wasn’t great. Len just got really mad at Hope and Maks for not practicing enough. It was weird and he had be bleeped out a bit. Ok, tonight is just crazy.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Rob Kardashian, Paso Doble: Yes, give Rob the Superman theme. That’s not gonna go to his head at all. He claims he’s having trouble being arrogant. Interesting. Rob’s dressed as a mild-mannered reporter. But I have a feeling that shirt’s coming off. Fancy jump! I don’t love Rob’s moves. But his posture is good. And he did some good knee walks. The shirt is off! Instead of an “S” there was a “K!” For Kardashian. Just in case you didn’t get that.

Score: 8, 8, 8

Ricki Lake, Tango: Ricki and Derek are dancing to the Psycho theme. Um. What? Yeah, I’m confused too. And apparently it’s a very difficult song to choreograph to, says Derek. He’s right. This dance is SO difficult. And Ricki NAILED it. Derek is seriously the best choreographer on this show. He put up a white screen and Ricki and he danced behind it at the beginning, and end, where Derek killed her. It was scary. It was elegant. It was on point. Bruno: “Immaculate tribute to the master of suspense.”

Score: 10, 9, 10 (First 10s of the season!!!!)

Thank you Brooke for sparing us the “when I got my first 10s” story.

Chaz Bono, Paso Doble: Lacey has contacted Ricard Simmons to get Chaz into shape. And Richard Simmons does not look good. So if I were Chaz, the only exercise I would be getting is running in the other direction, fast. So Chaz is bringing the energy, but just not great dancing. The best performance of the routine was Chaz running up the stairs punching at the air. And it was a good portion of the routine. Carrie Ann is crying. She needs to quit that. She’s already cried way too much this season. Rein it in Inaba.

Score: 7, 7, 7

Should we be concerned that Coco Arquette is sitting next to Cher? And Coco doesn’t give two shits who she is? Also, Cher is going to keep Chaz in this competition.

J.R. Martinez, Foxtrot: I’m glad J.R. has a Foxtrot this week, because I don’t want to cry. I’m too exhausted. He’s struggling with the Forxtrot though and it’s making me nervous. Oh, Nick Kosovich is here! This guy’s serious. Also serious, the asymmetrical argyle on his sweater vest. J.R. is just a natural performer and he makes the moves look so easy. I’m not in love with his Pepto tuxedo, but he’s such a manly dancer who is elegant and graceful. Carrie Ann didn’t like it because she’s a crazy pants, but Len said it was the best male dance of the night.

Score: 8, 9, 9

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