The Semi-Finals are Upon Us on Dancing with the Stars!

It’s the semi-finals people, DWTS’ Final Four. And basically what that means is that shit just got real. The remaining celebrities: Hope Solo, J.R. Martinez, Rob Kardashian and Ricki Lake all have three dances tonight, and although I do agree it will separate the boys from the men, I also think that the decision to put the stars through this is kind of abusive. It’s not like one of the dances is a group dance, or the silly but lovable dance marathon. Three separate dances! Hold on to your hats.

Hope Solo, Paso Doble: So Hope has like 100 anchors in her arm. She’s basically held together by rods of steel, and she never complains about it because she’s a competitor. Except she’s complaining about it now. Because she needs shots she was “saving for the Olympics.” I see right through this ploy for votes Hans Solo. I see it! Hope’s dancing has improved, but she’s still extremely heavy-footed and not graceful. And I just have a really hard time watching her. I’m sorry.

Score: 7, 7, 7

J.R. Martinez, Paso Doble: The horror of all horrors! J.R. twisted his ankle and finally is feeling the pain of a DWTS injury! This is sad to me because I love J.R. and all I want him to do is win that freakin’ mirror ball trophy and cement his status as America’s newest sweetheart. He’s trying really hard moves in this Paso. And he’s partnering really well! He’s such a strong male partner. But he did something to his ankle again! He’s wincing. Oh no!

Score: 8, 7, 8

Rob Kardashian, Samba: There’s no denying that Rob has a booty. I guess it runs in the family. So in this Samba, Cheryl just wants Rob too shake everything he has. And it’s a lot. So, they’re on a float. And there’s a blow up rainbow in the background, and everyone thinks it’s weird. I can tell. Rob has an adorable smile, and he keeps it on throughout the dance. This isn’t the most fluid Samba, but Rob is definitely keeping up with his footwork. And he’s having fun. I kind of like that he’s still enjoying the moment.

Score: 10, 9, 9

Ricki Lake, Samba: Ricki is down from last week. And it’s all going into her mind because she’s a legit control freak. A charming one, but still a control freak. She’s terrified of doing any kind of lifts, because she feels heavy and doesn’t want to “break Derek.” Give me a chance. I’ll break Derek. Yeah I said it. Ok, I’ll stop now. That went to a weird place. I already don’t like this Samba because of the color of Ricki and Derek’s costumes. But they’re dancing to Jump in the Line, so they won me back. This Samba is very tame. I’ve seen my fair share of this dance. Usually clothes come off. Ricki’s dancing it like a ballerina. Technically it was probably good. But there was no spark. Also, Carrie Ann has a face on her tonight, let me tell you.

Score: 10, 10, 10 (I guess we’re only crediting technique tonight)

Hope Solo, Argentine Tango: The competitors are now telling their life stories – what happened in their lives to make them the way they are. Hope’s dad kidnapped her when she was little. And then went to jail for it. And then became homeless and came to all her soccer games. I’m just going to leave you with that. This Argentine tango might be Hope’s best dance. It was extremely difficult and the lifts were ridiculous. There were low bends. She was upside down a lot. It was not perfect. But this dance suited her. Ok. Hope just said something sassy about Carrie Ann and I really feel like we’re going to have some kind of violent dance-off later in the show.

Score: 8, 8, 8

J.R. Martinez, Argentine Tango: J.R. has a school picture with library bookshelves in the background!!!! I knew I loved him. Kindred spirits. War obviously changed J.R.’s life, and at first he thought it ruined his life. He was depressed and thought people were going to look at him and be scared. But his mom told him that anybody that was going to be in his life would be with him for who he is inside. And that’s a great lesson for anyone in life. Anyone. Also I think J.R. should propose to his girlfriend on TV. J.R. is partnering Karina like a pro. He’s wincing the whole way through, but he’s still keeping his intensity. His footwork, despite injury, is great. Something bad happened at the end that Karina and J.R. know about (they’re making faces at each other), but the judges loved it.

Score: 9, 9, 9

Rob Kardashian, Argentine Tango: Rob has to be a competitor because he always had to fight with his sisters for Kris Jenner’s love. Khloe dressed him up in women’s clothing. His father dying had an obvious impact on his life and his confidence. And he went to USC to make his dad proud. And he’s still trying to figure out what to do with his life. I’ll tell you, DWTS has definitely made me like Rob more. Rob’s lifts are good, but his footwork is a little slow for the Argentine tango. I think the judges will really like Rob’s masculinity and his ability to take the lead in this dance. Also, I think I’ve seen Cheryl’s costume before. Are we repeating costumes now, Dancing with the Stars? My mom wants Rob to be her son. She wants to “kidnap him from his crazy mother.”

Score: 9, 9, 9

Ricki Lake, Argentine Tango: Ricki Lake is from Hastings? I didn’t know that. She was molested as a child? I didn’t know this either. Geez. Ricki. Thank you for opening up. Ricki needs to come back to television. I didn’t really watch her show, but I just think she’s a warm and charming person. She just needs to own that crazy OCD side of herself. Ricki was so afraid of lifts, but this dance is nothing but lifts! She’s doing great. Derek’s just throwing her around. The mood was great. Ricki moved easier than she has all season.

Score: 9, 10, 10

Brooke has simmered down in the past few episodes. It’s what I’m going to be thankful for Thanksgiving day.

The Cha-Cha-Cha Relay: So the couples are going to be dancing one right after the other. The judges are going to give scores by ranking the couples from Best to Worst. Hope remembers nothing from the Cha-cha and Maks is worried about it. J.R. is nervous that Rob is going to steal his thunder. Ricki goes first, which is cray because she just danced. But she’s doing great! Hope has some crazy ass pants on. I think I figured out what could help her. She needs to stop shaking her head every time she moves. J.R. is powering through, but you can tell he’s off-kilter. His hip action isn’t great. Rob is killing it.

And here’s how the judges scored our contenders: Rob, Ricki, J.R., Hope (I just want everyone to know, I called this. Ask Jeanie. She did not believe me).

Since it’s getting serious I’m just laying it out on the table: VOTE FOR J.R.!!!!!