Just Clearing Up Some Things From My Friend’s Wedding Website

As people witnessing the modern-day wedding, I’m sure you’ve also noticed that no day of nuptials could be complete without the information hub that is the wedding website. The best page is always the one with brief descriptions of members of the wedding party, and these bios always range from beautifully sentimental to full-on ridiculous.

The latest installment of wedding websites belongs to my college roommate Kelly and her fiancé Jack. And since I’ve been so generously asked to be a part of their big day, there is indeed a bio for one Kelly Carroll. And it is fantastic. However, I feel like the people need to know a little bit more about some of the things mentioned:

Kelly has been one of my best friends since our freshman year of college. Introduced through a mutual friend, she and I quickly found out that we had more in common than just our name. One of the best listeners around, Kelly is always willing to lend a caring ear and knows better than anyone whether I need a hug or a laugh. Be sure to ask her about whether or not Tupac is really dead and why Ashley Olsen is so much better looking than Mary Kate; as a should-be stand-up comedian, she has a theory on just about every scenario. Kelly is one of the most entertaining people that I know and she always has a great story to tell. A combination of hilarity and warmth, everyone who knows her, loves her. Kelly will be my “Something Blue” at our wedding, but don’t be surprised if she ends up with a microphone in hand busting out a rap as this is just one of her millions of talents.

Ok, so let’s get past the things said here that are nice. I really appreciate the sentimentality and it’s so touching to know that Kelly holds our friendship in such high regard. I do as well. But I feel like I also need to explain a few things, especially for the people coming to this wedding without prior knowledge of what a crazypants I am. I feel like this bio could potentially drive them away.

Ok, so 1) I have a lot of theories. They include famous people. It’s the things that wander through my mind when I’m either trying to fall asleep or I’ve been drinking. The first one referenced here is regarding Tupac Shakur not being dead. I also have to preface it by saying I think Michael Jackson actually died when his hair caught on fire during that Pepsi commercial shoot. And his management replaced him with someone who didn’t even look like him and told everyone it was Michael Jackson. And they had so much music built up from his recording sessions that they could put together more albums and pretend like this doppelgänger (wholooksnothinglike) Michael Jackson was still making music. So, if this is possible, then Tupac is dead. And those songs that they released post-murder were from his built-up collection. HOWEVER. If this is not possible, then Tupac has to be alive. It’s just logic people.

My second theory is just that Mary Kate looks at Ashley and says, “oh, we’re pretty good looking” and therefore puts less effort into her hair/makeup/clothing, while Ashley looks at Mary Kate and says “ugh, we’ve really let ourselves go,” and does more to make herself look good. Therefore, one gets exponentially uglier and one gets exponentially prettier. This theory is slightly less complicated.

So now we’re onto number two: how I grab the mic and bust out some raps. I do this. I try not to do it at classy affairs, but sometimes the beats just come and, well, I’m an artist. I can’t just let that inspiration go to waste. But I am pretty good at knowing the time and the place, and most likely there won’t be any white girl rapping at the church or the reception. Possibly at the rehearsal dinner. But I find people at rehearsal dinners really like the entertainment. And I got a perfect score doing “Bust a Move” on the Glee game for Wii. So I’m pretty impressive.

Well, that covers everything I wanted to discuss. I feel like I’ve cleared the air. I just didn’t want anyone to be afraid to talk to me at the wedding. Now that I’ve explained everything, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have to beat ’em off with a stick (yes, showing up with a stick would make me seem more normal).