20 Reasons I Feared Kim Jong-Il More Than the Taliban: A Love Story

Ok. It's not a love story. I just put that there because it seemed like the title needed a subtitle, and I couldn't think of any. Sorry.

What is that phrase: better the devil you know? Is that it? Over the past few hours I’ve been reading a lot about the former North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il who died today of an apparent heart attack (which seems unbelievable for reasons I will list below), and I’ve come to find that mofo was even crazier than I at first realized. We’ve all read about the “invisible cell phone” he used to coach his country’s recent World Cup team. And we all know he claimed to have invented the hamburger. But according to BuzzFeed’s recent blog post about the man, the crazy goes so, so much deeper than that. And this man had the NUKE CODES, you guys. THE NUKE CODES!

BuzzFeed lists 20 Ridiculous Things we never knew about the dictator. You can read them all if you want (he’s actually Russian, he has a flower named after him), but I’m going to pull out my favorites and save you the trouble. And really my point is just this: if I had to choose between a nuclear-powered enemy who is possibly going to negotiate with me or a nuclear- powered enemy who drinks $800,000 worth of Hennesy in a year, I really don’t think the choice is going to be that difficult.

#7. Kim Jong-Il does not have an officially recognized date of birth.
Who in this day and age does not have an officially recognized date of birth? How in this age of technology do we not know how old this man was? Is he 1,000? We know how old Jesus is. We plan the whole structure of time around it.

#8. In 1978, Kim Jong-Il kidnapped director Shin Sang-ok and forced him to make a “socialist Godzilla” film.
He kidnapped someone, to make a propaganda version of Godzilla. Can you imagine what he would do to the person who is actually credited with inventing the hamburger?

#11. Kim Jong-Il “routinely shoots 3-4 hole-in-ones” every time he plays golf.
I do not find a good golf game to be a great asset in my own president, let alone you. Also, no you don’t.

#13. Kim Jong-Il’s favorite movies were Friday the 13th, Rambo, and Godzilla.
The NUKE CODES, you guys! The NUKE CODES!

#14. Kim Jong-Il planned to breed giant rabbits to solve North Korea’s hunger problems.
If this didn’t work out, the only downside would be that the rabbits would turn on everyone and start eating the people. If #13 is any consolation, Kim Jong-Il would be loving it. “I know how we’ll fix this recession – we’ll just make the dollar bills bigger.”

#16. Kim Jong-Il reportedly injects his body with the “blood of virgins” in an effort to stay young.
This was actually just a PR campaign to raise Kim Jong-Il’s popularity amongst Twihards. Probably the least crazy thing he’s done since it shows some kind of publicity and marketing skills.

#17. Kim Jong-Il kept up a completely deserted propaganda city.
When I was little, I thought that planes only took you straight up in the air, the “set” below was changed to look more like the destination you were supposedly headed to, and then you came straight back down, having appeared to have traveled thousands of miles. And people thought I was crazy.

#20. His biography also says that he does not defecate or urinate.
And here I ask – how could this person have possibly died???

Now, in case you’re not on board with my argument yet, the man once told all of the “short” people in North Korea that a new drug could make them taller, got them all in the same place and then exiled them to an unknown location, never to be heard from again. Now, first, all the “short people in North Korea” is basically everyone. And we all know that “exiled” means they were killed. So while many of the things Kim Jong-Il claimed to be are laughable, he’s pretty much guilty of mass genocide, along with being bat-shit crazy. And this ladies and gentlemen, was the man who had the NUKE CODES.

1 Comment

Filed under WORST Things Ever

One response to “20 Reasons I Feared Kim Jong-Il More Than the Taliban: A Love Story

  1. katie

    Hahaha, I read #11 in some article and BURST out laughing. No, no you didn’t.

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