Birth Watch 2012: Jessica Simpson and Her One Baby that Will Actually Be Two

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Last year I wrote of my concern for Natalie Portman, who had gone through an entire awards season with a baby bump the size of a YMCA bag of basketballs, and had yet to give birth. Little people can’t carry around that much weight! This year, it’s Jessica Simpson who is the object of my attention, and it seems I’m not the only one mesmerized by her 12-month pregnancy – Chelsea Handler and Katy Perry have also voiced their concerns, as have Lindsey Pearse and Kate Poff, who are less famous, but just as important.

Jessica Simpson announced her pregnancy in October 2011. I believe it was Halloween and she was dressed up as a mummy, which is also British for “mommy,” so there was a play on words going on too. By my calculations, that was six-plus months ago. Generally, women don’t find out they’re pregnant until around the two-month mark. And they don’t announce it until at least the three-month mark. Add that all together and we’re right up on 40 weeks and that baby needs to come out or Jessica is going to explode.

In the case of most long-term pregnancies, it usually turns out that the person in question wasn’t really pregnant that long, and it was all in my mind (Jennifer Garner, Selma Blair). It just seemed like a long time. But if everything I just said above is correct, and if Jessica realized she was pregnant like, right after conception, and announced it only shortly after, we’re still looking at eight-months here, and that’s if everything was done immediately, which would be crazy.

So basically what I’m saying is that I think we need to stage a baby intervention and just have someone go in and take that baby out. It’s disgusting and probably not all that fun, but when lives are in danger you can’t just sit idly by and watch. The woman is having pregnancy nightmares for crying out loud! For the sake of Jessica, we must do something.

1 Comment

Filed under WORST Things Ever

One response to “Birth Watch 2012: Jessica Simpson and Her One Baby that Will Actually Be Two

  1. Sam

    Oh my God, I dreamt that I delivered her baby last night. It was a very vivid dream.

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