Tag Archives: Things That May One Day Kill Me

What Exactly is Going on in this Picture?

Shovelers outside my office on Arlington Street

Ok, Mother Nature. I’ve had about enough of this crap. I’ve never seen so much snow in my entire life. For the past week I’ve been permanently in my snow boots, hat and North Face down-comforter coat, and while I may look adorable, it does not make up for the hours spent trekking to work in snow and ice and the amount of time I’ve spent shoveling my car out of its parking space.

To lighten the mood, I did stumble upon something very odd this morning (see picture above). Approximately seven men (and women?), all dressed in Gordon’s Fisherman rain gear, with identical red shovels, intently shoveling the same corner (Arlington and Stuart) at the very same time. I’ll admit, the weather’s horrendous, but does one corner require so much attention? Please note, as of 9 a.m., Arlington Street only had a bit of a dusting.

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For Reals, This Was the Dream I Had Last Night

I have some pretty effed-up dreams. Mostly because they’re so lifelike that it takes me a few minutes after waking up to realize they weren’t real. Like, I could be eating breakfast by the time I realize I’m not actually pregnant with John Krasinki’s baby. And it freaks me out.

So imagine my horror at the doozy I wound up with last night:

So I’m innocently riding the L train in Chicago with Kanye West (obviously) when some dude who looks like Lourdes Ciccone’s father takes a silver wine opener (butterfly style, not the jackknife kind) to Kanye’s ear and threatens his life. There’s no explanation as to what this dude is so upset about, Kanye refuses to relent and the Madonna’s baby-daddy look-alike screws that wine opener right into Kanye’s head, through his brain, and kills him dead. Then, he threatens to kill my entire family if I tell anyone, because apparently out of the 500 people on the L train, I’m the only one that sees this. He gets off at the next stop, as do I, because hey, it’s my stop.

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Birds Wise Up Before People Do

Anderson Cooper interviews Kirk Cameron about recent bird and fish deaths, naturally.

I distinctly remember being in second grade and my teacher telling us that “animals will always run first. If they’re running out of the forest, run in whatever direction they’re going.” I don’t know why we were learning about these intense survival skills in second grade (in a suburb) but nevertheless, that lesson stayed with me.

With that said, what am I supposed to think now that all these birds and fish are dying in mass quantities all over the country? Some people say a storm is to blame. Others say it may signify the end of time. But I’m thinking these animals just knew something that we don’t. Metaphorically, they’re “running out of the forest” before we do.

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