Tag Archives: Things That May One Day Kill Me

by | September 22, 2011 · 9:10 am

I’m Fairly Certain My Parents are Trying to Sabotage My Living with Them

Just realized there's a hidden message to the right of my arm.

It’s been a whole three weeks (three weeks you guys!) since I moved back in with my parents, and the shenanigans these two are pulling can only lead me to believe that the sooner they get me out of the house the happier they’ll be to go back to their previous life of solitude and Wheel of Fortune.

As only parents can, Jeanie and Den have taken to passive aggressively making it clear that my being home has thrown a wrench into their routine (Note: walking on the treadmill for 60 minutes a day and taking a shower should not constitute as a routine), so I’ve taken it upon myself to list all their antics here. You see this? I’m on to you both.

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Filed under About Me, BEST Things Ever, The Crazy People I Call My Own, The Funny Thing About Family Is That You'll Always Be Related, WORST Things Ever

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by | September 2, 2011 · 9:17 am

Moving Back in with my Parents Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Don't worry about us. We'll just freeze out here.

Way back when, I was a mere 5-years old, and I used to attend something at my elementary school called “Extended Day.” For a few hours after the school day was over, a student could go to Extended Day to play, do homework, and wait for their working parents to pick them up. However, even an extended day wasn’t enough for my parents, who were constantly late getting me. It frustrated everyone, and before you start making excuses for them, sit tight. I’m painting a picture.

So one particular time, the Extended Day lady had decided she was fed up with my parents being late, and, because she had a second job that she had to be at at 5 p.m. (I know, dumb scheduling, lady) she flat left me at the school, locking me into the building with a carpenter who was there installing new windows. And we all know that carpenters in elementary schools are just masks for child molesters and kidnappers, so basically my life was in jeopardy. And when my mom flipped out and got the Extended Day lady fired, I was forever traumatized by the whole experience, meaning I get the sweats anytime it appears I’m going to be late for something. Also, I feel funny around carpenters.

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Filed under About Me, The Crazy People I Call My Own, The Funny Thing About Family Is That You'll Always Be Related, WORST Things Ever

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by | August 26, 2011 · 11:09 am

Oh Yeah, This isn’t Scary at All

Courtesy of weather.com

Everywhere I’m supposed to be in the next four days is covered in hot pink. Come on, Irene. I have a whole mess of celebrating to do this weekend and I’m not afraid of getting a little wet. Bring. It. On.

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