I love Kanye West. I think the guy is absolutely bonkers and it’s entertaining as hell. He’s wacky and I adore it. But while this brand of crazy is suitable for many affairs, i.e. the MTV Video Music Awards, the NBA All-Star game, Super Sweet 16s, concerts at Boston College during my senior year, and (fingers crossed) my child’s first birthday party, there are definitely things he should not be invited to. Considering this, first on my list would be the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. However, Yeezy has reportedly procured himself an invitation. I can picture it now…
As the horse and carriage round the turn for Westminster Abbey, the crowd takes a collective breath, because they know they are about to see, for the first time, Kate Middleton’s much talked about wedding dress. The horses come to an unbelievably synchronized halt, and the driver makes his way to the carriage door. He takes Kate’s hand to help her off the carriage’s step. Out of nowhere, a black Bentley, pumping the tunes to Kanye West’s Monster pulls in behind the royal carriage. Kanye, dressed to the nines in a white tuxedo (because we all know it’s appropriate to wear white to a wedding), red shirt, red sneakers and blinged-out Snooki sunglasses, emerges from the vehicle. The crowd, horrified, is overcome by an eerie silence. Kate stands there, confused and still clenching the carriage driver’s hand. With a nod in their direction, Kanye saunters into the Abbey, all while Tweeting: MAKING AN ENTRANCE…NINJAAAAASSSS!
Once inside, Kanye becomes somewhat more demure, and fortunately, does not do anything Kayne-esqe, such as grab the mic from the priest during the vows to say something like, “You know who should be up here right now? Beyonce.” However, he does continue to live-Tweet the ceremony:
11:05 a.m. GMT: “What’s with these bird hats? I’ma get a bird and put it on my hat. I didn’t wear a hat. LMAO.”
11:15 a.m. GMT: “You getting black maled… for that white girl (white girl meaning cocaine)”
11:16 a.m. GMT: “Elton John is a ninja”
11:22 a.m. GMT: “Can you still behead people?”
Royal security, monitoring Kanye’s tweets throughout the morning, become uneasy about his plans to behead someone in the congregation. They escort him from the Abbey, although they do not make him leave the grounds. Here, Kanye whips out a microphone that he carries in his pocket always, and begins an impromptu performance. With Drake, because Drake apparently travels with Kanye on the chance that something like this could happen. In the middle of it all, someone has staged a piano on the Westminster Abbey walkway, and Kanye begins to play a classical version of Runaway. And it is at this moment that Prince William and his new bride, Princess Catherine, leave the church.
I mean, I’m not going to say that I would hate it if this happened at Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding. But I will say that if I were the bride, I would not be about it at all. Getting upstaged by Kanye West is something that a lot of people have had to deal with in their life, but it’s not something that royalty should have to deal with. April 29 should be very interesting…