It’s been a whole three weeks (three weeks you guys!) since I moved back in with my parents, and the shenanigans these two are pulling can only lead me to believe that the sooner they get me out of the house the happier they’ll be to go back to their previous life of solitude and Wheel of Fortune.
As only parents can, Jeanie and Den have taken to passive aggressively making it clear that my being home has thrown a wrench into their routine (Note: walking on the treadmill for 60 minutes a day and taking a shower should not constitute as a routine), so I’ve taken it upon myself to list all their antics here. You see this? I’m on to you both.
1) Moving Things to Where I Can’t Find Them:
My mom has always had a habit of moving things from where Dad and I have left them to a place she deems more appropriate. But lately, it’s taken a weird turn.
Me: Where’s the book I was reading? I left it on the table to make sure I brought it with me tomorrow.
Mom: Oh, I put it in the downstairs closet, second shelf, behind all the winter coats.
And don’t even try questioning this, because all you’ll do is enrage her – “I have to do everything! Why am I the only one who cares what this house looks like??” Etc. It’s some crazy Exorcist shit.
2) Watching NCIS at the Highest Volume Possible:
They’ll deny it, but my parents are convinced that they’re special agents in the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, specifically members of Special Agent Gibbs’ team. And they need to solve the case! So we all have to listen very carefully! With the volume at 1,000 decibels! Because the louder volume will help them to understand forensic science or better examine cadavers. Also, every episode is the one where Kate dies. Every one.
3) Putting Everyone’s Laundry in my Room and then Yelling at Me that I Have Too Much Laundry in my Room:
I’ve been suspecting since I was about 15 that my mom just likes to yell over the issue of laundry. Laundry’s a hot point in our house. One time Jeanie got an inside-out shirt from me and got all red in the face and starting yelling that if I send it to her inside-out again I’d get it back inside-out!!!!! She couldn’t comprehend why this threat didn’t frighten me.
So anyway, she also likes to pile all of the clean laundry in my room and then complain to people that my room (which, by the way, is the guest room, because I wasn’t allowed to move back into my actual room which Mom turned into an office-slash-gym) is messy. Well I don’t wear XXL Purchase basketball sweats or men’s dress socks, so I’m obviously not going to put them in my drawers and closets.
4) Quitting Smoking, Compensating the Addiction with Food and then Blaming Me for It:
Two nights ago I watched my dad eat sausage and peppers, macaroni and cheese, chicken tacos with rice, sausage and peppers (now over pasta) and Cheez-Its, all in one sitting. He then rubbed his stomach and said something like “I’m gaining so much weight because Kelly made me quit smoking.” Yes. That’s why.
5) Having Ridiculous Conversations:
Watching the Emmys
Mom: How can anyone tell Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel apart? They look so much alike!
Me: Yes. If having brown hair and being white means you look alike.
Mom: All Chinese people look alike.
6) Promising to Set the Coffee Timer and NEVER ACTUALLY DOING IT:
Ok, so I wake up at 5:30 a.m. It’s an ungodly hour. Even earlier in September it was dark at this time. And when I wake up, all I want is a giant cup of coffee. And every night, when I go to bed, I remind my mom to set the timer on the coffee machine. Actually, it’s already set. All Jeanie has to do is flip the switch. And she promises she will. Every night. But then I wake up, and there’s no coffee. The green light isn’t even on. It’s so sad, you guys. One morning I cried. And I understand these are champagne/white girl problems. But it’s 5:30 in the morning, and at 5:30 in the morning, everything is life and death. If Mom and Dad and I ever have a Barrymore-type falling out, I can promise you it will be over this coffee timer.
So there you have it. Jeanie and Den, you’re on notice. But other than that I think things are going swimmingly.