Ok guys, I’m back! After a week full of sinus infections, cold medicine, tissues and doctor’s appointments, I’m once again my old self, ready and willing to recap for you all the highlights of this most fantastic television show. But one more week of Chaz and I might just throw in the towel. I’m sorry, but he’s just not good.
So since it’s Broadway night, the DWTS opening act is from Sister Act, and I feel compelled to tell you about the time all of my aunts and uncles dressed up like the cast of Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit and performed at a fundraiser for my Catholic elementary school. My dad wore a Charles Barkley jersey and rapped. It was phenomenal. However, very little would be able to top the sequined habits parading around the DWTS set right now. Wow. I wish Woopie was involved somehow. OMG Kristin Chenoweth is going to perform! Ah! I’m so excited. There’s so much voice in that little body.
Come on along I’ll take you to, the lullaby of Broadway…
Rob Kardashian, Cha-cha-cha: Rob has to Cha-cha this week, to a song from Jersey Boys, and I feel like he’s going to have a tough time moving that booty fast. Oh, hey, Kris Kardashian. Oh, hey, Kris’ shoulder epaulets. She looks like Michael Jackson. I think Rob is doing a good job considering the song, because it seems too slow for a Cha-cha. However, he seems heavy-footed tonight. He’s definitely better suited for the slow dances so he can show that he’s a strong partner. But it was a solid effort. Oh my God all I can hear is the Kardashians screaming.
Score: 8, 7, 7
Nancy Grace, Foxtrot: Nancy is dancing to a song from Spamalot, which may explain why she and Tristan are dressed so ridiculously. She’s some sort of medieval somethingorother and he’s a knight. Yeah he is. Nancy looks like she’s lost weight – she looks fab. Good for her! And she’s got a fighting spirit! I might be starting to like her. So I’m sure it was more difficult than it looked, but the moves looked a tad simple. However, the dance was super cute, and super fitting for the song. And it just looked like Nancy had a lot of fun. She skipped and jumped and spun around and it was adorable. Ok, Bruno and Carrie Ann are loving it, so I guess it was harder than it looked. Good job, Nancy!
Score: 9, 7, 8
Oh, the group dance is tonight! And they brought Carson back to be the creative director of the performance. “If you panic, just do a jazz hand.” Love him.
David Arquette, Quickstep: I think this is going to be a good dance for David because he’s so fun-loving. And he’s dancing to “We Go Together,” so I think it’s going to be very cute. He just needs to make sure that he keeps the technical elements in tact. Also, he has crazy eyes. Hm. Now. I watched the whole thing. And it was good, I think. But parts of it looked a little messy. But I didn’t see him do anything wrong. Just maybe not be 100 percent perfect. Courtney’s crying. Why can’t these two kids work it out? Carrie Ann says they got a little out of sync, and Len said it was “rough around the edges.” So I’m super on point tonight.
Score:, 8, 7, 8
In terms of David Arquette’s Danny Zuko impression – we’re all winners.
Ricki Lake, Quickstep: Derek’s Quicksteps are always the best, so I’m excited about this. And Ricki needs to redeem herself from the Roger Rabbit fiasco of 2011. Why isn’t she doing a song from Hairspray though? Bummer. Derek’s being tough on Ricki, because it makes her perform. And she just gave him the finger. Oh I like Ricki’s dress! Oh, that Quickstep was so good! The only thing that could have made it better was if it looked a little more effortless. You could tell at the end that Ricki was giving it all she got. She did a great job! They never broke hold. The subtle movements made great impressions. And the runs and leaps were so fast! Oh, Carrie Ann is crying. Come on, girl! You are not J.Lo.
Score: 10, 9, 10
Ricki’s husband is wearing a tie to match her dress. A-dorbs!
Also, did anyone see the commercial for GCB? I’m ready to discuss via GChat whenever you are.
Chaz Bono, Tango: Ok, I’m just not excited about this. Chaz isn’t great. I applaud his effort and everything that he is and does. But I just feel like taking a break when he’s on. And it seems like Lacey has kind of had it with him. Posture bar’s out! That thing scares the beejesus out of me. Chaz is dancing to a song from the Phantom of the Opera, and the scenery is really cool and spooky. The tango is good, and I feel like he brought it as far as he could. It was dramatic. But skill-wise, he’s definitely further back than the others.
Score: 7, 6, 6 (woah, those were lower than I thought)
Kenny Ortega in the house!! There are so many extraordinary side things going on tonight! DWTS: Great television people!
Hope Solo, Rumba: Ok, I’m just going to throw this out there: I think something seriously psychological is going on here. I’m afraid of Hope Solo and her emotional imbalances. Maks has brought in professional dancers to teach Hope some moves, and to teach her how to be sexy. To teach her “how to not be a dude.” Maks says he’s losing faith in her. That’s kind of harsh. But seriously, they have a tumultuous relationship and I fear that it may turn abusive. I’m just saying. Oh, Rent! Yay! That explains why Hope is wearing an afghan. Hope is better in hold than she is by herself. I know I’ve said that before but it’s true. And that dance was a lot of steps by herself and it just wasn’t good. Even the other celebrities look confused. Maks and Len are arguing. It’s getting serious. Carrie Ann has jumped in, she’s pointing her pen. Seriously, the entire show goes to a dark place when this couple is involved.
Score: 7, 6, 7
J.R. Martinez, Quickstep: I just love J.R. so much. I think he’s fabulous, and every time he performs I get very nervous. Karina says this is the most ambitious dance she’s ever attempted on this show. Sometimes I don’t trust Karina’s judgement. Like, she totally turned Ralph Macchio into a whimpering child. But, this dance was perfection! It was truly very, very difficult. There were a lot of backwards movements. And the highest leap I think I’ve ever seen on DWTS. J.R. is such a great male partner, and it’s nice to see that Karina trusts him so much. The judges are comparing it to Helio’s Castroneves’ famous Quickstep with Julianne Hough. If you’ve never seen it, here you go. You’re welcome.
Score: 10, 9, 10 (Len refuses to give out a 10).
Group Dance! Group Dance! I love when the celebrities are in a room together learning a dance. It’s like a room full of babies learning how to walk. Except the celebrities are all like, what the eff is this walking business all about? Hope has a weird thing about being a stripper. This is the second time she’s mentioned it tonight. Secret past? Lifts! Lifts are so scary! Nancy did one! And and handstand! She’s so sassy. And Carson just keeps hugging Maks. He loves him. Oh my God – this group dance is fantastic! I can’t separate the pros from the celebs. Ricki and Derek’s lift was kind of silly. She was basically sitting on his face. I know. Rob Kardashian is making it rain with dollar bills and he also held Cheryl straight over his head, which was impressive. Hope did some kind of cartwheel with Maks on her back and it was painful to me. This dance was fun, and the Broadway aspect really came through. Loved it!