Because Audrey and I consider ourselves “tastemakers” in that we always (or, you know, sometimes) are behind a trend before it gets popular, we wanted to make a list of things we “called” before everyone else in the nation. We at first wanted to entitle this list “Suck It!” but then we realized we’re adult people with jobs that we’d probably like to keep and we shouldn’t go around telling everyone to “suck it.” Some of you deserve it, but we’re not going to name names. We’re ladies. So for a few hours yesterday we made a list of all the things we were up on before all of you. And here it is in its entirety. Also, we need a lot of validation.
Editor’s Note: In case you were wondering, Carroll-Marks is either the future currency of the country I’m going to create when I secede from the Union, or mine and Audrey’s future last name when we finally breakdown and have our same-sex wedding at City Hall because we’re in desperate need of Kitchen Aide appliances and knives from Williams-Sonoma. It’s patented so don’t try to steal it.
1) Rob Delaney: So I was watching the second episode of Girls this week and Hannah makes a joke about date rape during an interview, and it cost her the job. Similarly, I made a joke about Rob Delaney at a job interview, and, since Rob Delaney’s humor is the equivalent of date rape, I’m pretty sure it cost me my job. However, yesterday, New York magazine had a “Meet Rob Delaney” post and now I want to send it to the company I interviewed for with a Post-It note that just says “now you’re missing all of this!”
2) Whitney Houston’s Demise: Five years ago Audrey and I sat in a dorm room on Connecticut Avenue NW in Washington, DC and discussed Whitney Houston. While I do a perfect impression of Kathy Griffin doing an impression of Whitney, the general tone of the conversation was “this isn’t going to end well.” Obviously, a lot of people had the same sentiment. But I’m just saying, Audrey and I were right there with it. Editor’s Note: I’m fairly certain my future claim to fame will be doing impressions of people doing impressions. As mentioned above, I already do Kathy doing Whitney, Harry Connick, Jr. doing Bing Crosby, and Christopher Walken doing Pitbull. It will also be a great segue into the creation of my future band, which will only do cover songs of famous cover songs, i.e. a cover of the Fugees’ cover of Bob Marley’s “No Woman No Cry.” These are goldmine ideas, people.
3) The Snackman on the Subway being a Ladiesman: So you’ve all seen the video – there was this young guy on the 6 train who broke up a fight between some dude and some girl who was weirdly kicking him. Through it all, the Snackman continued to enjoy the chips he was eating pre-fight. Internet sensation. I saw the video and I immediately decided that this person needed to be my husband, because he equally values chivalry and snacks. And then the Daily News published an article saying he’s become quite the ladies’ man around New York City. Obviously, what girl wouldn’t want this prize?
4) Call Me Maybe: I mean, the video speaks for itself.
5) Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on the UES: So I love the Bean, and I innocently walked by their new location on 83rd and 3rd a few weekends ago. I blogged about it on April 14. The other New York blogs didn’t do it until at least two days later. I’m not insinuating anything but they should really hire me.
6) The DressSweatshirt/The Bill Belichick Sweatshirt: I was drunk one night and came up with this awesome idea for a dress that was a sweatshirt. The comfort of your sweats in an adorable dress style? How could this go wrong? In comes American Apparel. But do they know the DressSweatshirt dance/song/sound effects? They do not.
Similarly, Audrey started wearing Bill Belichick-style sweatshirts that she bought from Target like four years ago for $6. No one believed her that this was a real thing that was going to catch on, mostly because Bill Belichick looks terrible in this sweatshirt and Audrey isn’t on TV as much as he is (which is a shame in its own right). Cut-off sweatshirts are now all the rage. Game. Set. Point, Audrey.
7) Jeremy Lin and Linsanity: As a young and simple-minded student, I got the chance to see J. Lin play against Boston College, and quite frankly, rip my alma mater to shreds. In New England, he was known as the Asian Michael Jordan, which is not the most inventive name ever. But like pretty much everything, he came to New York City and became more awesome. I spent that entire week of Linsanity (maybe a week and a half) acting jaded and telling people they shouldn’t be surprised and listing all of the attributes he has that made this whole thing “bound to happen.” They need me on Around the Horn.
8) How I Knew Exactly What Kate Middleton’s Wedding Dress Was Going to Look Like: This is fact and it happened on Easter 2011 and I have no proof because everyone was too drunk at the time to remember what I said. But someone mentioned that they thought K. Mid’s dress was going to be strapless, and I shot that down with a “hells to the no,” and went on to describe – in detail – the lace, the sleeves, the deep V-neck, her hair, her tiara, her veil and the bustle in the back. It was probably the exact feeling people got when they were inspired to write the Bible. No. It definitely was.
9) All Things Tupac Related: So first of all, that Tupac hologram, I’m certain, was actually footage that was filmed recently and projected onto a screen at Coachella. Sure. Of. It. I’ve been studying the Tupac and Biggie murder cases since approximately 2000 and I can tell that shit is not what it seems (I also may have spent an entire work week going through the FBI files on Biggie’s murder when they were released last year). Even more suspect, Suge Knight was telling people a few days ago that he paid someone $3 million to cremate Tupac’s body, and he never actually saw the body after Tupac was alleged to have passed. So, first, who pays someone $3 million to cremate a body? That sounds incredibly extreme. And second, Tupac walks among us. I have no doubt.
10) Pretty Little Liars Being Awesome: Audrey and I are fairly certain that PLL is be the best show on television. I said so here. However, we cannot for the life of us figure out how this show ended up on ABCFamily. There is like, weird child pornography undertones, and secret love-children and possibly incest and add to that teenage bullying and people going blind and other people ending up in mental hospitals. But, entertainment is entertainment, so you must watch!
11) Jason Segel: Audrey Marks has loved Jason Segel since basically birth. Ok, more like his Freaks and Geeks days. She wants to have his (inevitably) gigantic babies. She doesn’t mind that he likes puppets and wears capes. But now the world has noticed him, and he’s begun dating Michelle Williams. We need to un-make that happen.
12)Ryan Gosling: Ok, I liked Ryan Gosling right out of the gate when he was a junior member of the Mickey Mouse Club and I was like five. Then he went on to do some very artistic work on a little show called Breaker High which was about high school students who take classes on a yacht and was on UPN before it merged with WPIX to become the CW. I’m pretty sure they used the same beach/outdoor sets as Saved by the Bell, like where all the palm trees where clearly cardboard and the birds were painted on the back wall. Ryan Gosling also sported a sweet bowl cut which was fine because it was the 90s and boys and girls alike had bowl cuts and now we talk about how awful it was and that’s how we get to know each other. Hey, girl.
(I did not call that Justin Timberlake would be this famous. So, like, I recognize my limitations. Note to self, overalls always distract from true talent.)