Of Course This Would Happen on My Birthday

When I was 19, I went searching for my birth certificate so they’d let me through the Canadian border. To my shock and horror I discovered a truth so unspeakable I can’t believe I’m writing about it now…that’s right – I actually have a middle name.

For years, my mom insisted that I had a first name that was two words, but no middle name. She made everyone in my family call me Kelly Ann, and became extremely offended when they did not. I had to explain to people that, no, Ann was part of my first name. No, it’s two words. No, there is not a hyphen. So you can imagine how upset I was when I came to find that Ann is actually my middle name, my mother had been lying to me all these years, and I’d been living under an identity that was not truly my own. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for weeks.

Just when I thought I was over it, another bombshell. The universe has decided to give me the middle finger and completely alter my astrological makeup. And by this I mean, they’ve gone and changed the Zodiac calendar.

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Go, Go, Go Shorty, It’s Your Birthday

Today is my birthday!! Woot woot! But before we get too excited, I have to tell you that I am extremely touch and go with such days. Fortunately, I haven’t had a bday meltdown since the Disaster of 2004:

Me, between sobs: Now I’m never going to be a professional tennis player!
Mom: You’ve never played tennis.
Me: Exactly…I’m never going to be an Olympic gymnast…
Mom: You got kicked out of classes when you were five because they thought you were going to hurt yourself…
Me: I should have been more driven.

With that said, I think I might be due for the next one. And it scares me. So handle with care today. If you make some crack about me being closer to 30 than 20 and I start to cry, don’t take it too seriously. It’s just me being obnoxiously oversensitive to getting older. But really, anyone who says something like that is kind of a jerk.

Here’s to the Big 2-7! Cheers!

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If an Entire City is Closed, is it Ok to Still Be Here?

I went to bed last night at about 12:30 a.m. There was no snow in sight. When I woke up at 6:30 a.m., there was a buttload. And everything and their mother has been closed for the day, including the city of Boston. The entire city. Boston is closed, folks. Go back from whence you came.

So it’s kind of like an “if a tree falls in the forest” kind of question, but if Boston is closed, what am I still doing here? They don’t like it when I try to stay in Chipotle when it’s closed…actually they do like that. Bad example. The point is, it’s a legit snow day, I’m home from work, and as long as this Top Chef marathon continues, it could be a great day.

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