Category Archives: The Crazy People I Call My Own

So there’s these two guys, we’ll call them Mitt and Newt (I know), and they’re competing against each other to be the Republican nominee for president. I officially tuned all of this out when Newt promised people in Florida that the US was going to have a permanent base on the moon by the end of his second term. That’s right. The moon. Because our problems aren’t bad enough here, we have to spend trillions of dollars finding another place to totally eff up. Occupy the Moon! Ok, I’m done.

Instead of just listening to George Stephanopoulos in the morning, I decided I needed people on the ground in Florida to tell me what was really going on. And by people on the ground, I mean people I know who send me ridiculous text messages and then I steal them for this blog (at this point you all know you’re fair game – if you don’t like it, you should have gotten out months ago). So one brave roving reporter, who shall remain anonymous (I have to keep my minions secret, like Gossip Girl) has dutifully given us the following account of the Republican primary in Florida. Or, something.

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