Category Archives: WORST Things Ever

Of Course This Would Happen on My Birthday

When I was 19, I went searching for my birth certificate so they’d let me through the Canadian border. To my shock and horror I discovered a truth so unspeakable I can’t believe I’m writing about it now…that’s right – I actually have a middle name.

For years, my mom insisted that I had a first name that was two words, but no middle name. She made everyone in my family call me Kelly Ann, and became extremely offended when they did not. I had to explain to people that, no, Ann was part of my first name. No, it’s two words. No, there is not a hyphen. So you can imagine how upset I was when I came to find that Ann is actually my middle name, my mother had been lying to me all these years, and I’d been living under an identity that was not truly my own. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for weeks.

Just when I thought I was over it, another bombshell. The universe has decided to give me the middle finger and completely alter my astrological makeup. And by this I mean, they’ve gone and changed the Zodiac calendar.

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For Reals, This Was the Dream I Had Last Night

I have some pretty effed-up dreams. Mostly because they’re so lifelike that it takes me a few minutes after waking up to realize they weren’t real. Like, I could be eating breakfast by the time I realize I’m not actually pregnant with John Krasinki’s baby. And it freaks me out.

So imagine my horror at the doozy I wound up with last night:

So I’m innocently riding the L train in Chicago with Kanye West (obviously) when some dude who looks like Lourdes Ciccone’s father takes a silver wine opener (butterfly style, not the jackknife kind) to Kanye’s ear and threatens his life. There’s no explanation as to what this dude is so upset about, Kanye refuses to relent and the Madonna’s baby-daddy look-alike screws that wine opener right into Kanye’s head, through his brain, and kills him dead. Then, he threatens to kill my entire family if I tell anyone, because apparently out of the 500 people on the L train, I’m the only one that sees this. He gets off at the next stop, as do I, because hey, it’s my stop.

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Birds Wise Up Before People Do

Anderson Cooper interviews Kirk Cameron about recent bird and fish deaths, naturally.

I distinctly remember being in second grade and my teacher telling us that “animals will always run first. If they’re running out of the forest, run in whatever direction they’re going.” I don’t know why we were learning about these intense survival skills in second grade (in a suburb) but nevertheless, that lesson stayed with me.

With that said, what am I supposed to think now that all these birds and fish are dying in mass quantities all over the country? Some people say a storm is to blame. Others say it may signify the end of time. But I’m thinking these animals just knew something that we don’t. Metaphorically, they’re “running out of the forest” before we do.

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