Tag Archives: Family

by | September 2, 2011 · 9:17 am

Moving Back in with my Parents Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Don't worry about us. We'll just freeze out here.

Way back when, I was a mere 5-years old, and I used to attend something at my elementary school called “Extended Day.” For a few hours after the school day was over, a student could go to Extended Day to play, do homework, and wait for their working parents to pick them up. However, even an extended day wasn’t enough for my parents, who were constantly late getting me. It frustrated everyone, and before you start making excuses for them, sit tight. I’m painting a picture.

So one particular time, the Extended Day lady had decided she was fed up with my parents being late, and, because she had a second job that she had to be at at 5 p.m. (I know, dumb scheduling, lady) she flat left me at the school, locking me into the building with a carpenter who was there installing new windows. And we all know that carpenters in elementary schools are just masks for child molesters and kidnappers, so basically my life was in jeopardy. And when my mom flipped out and got the Extended Day lady fired, I was forever traumatized by the whole experience, meaning I get the sweats anytime it appears I’m going to be late for something. Also, I feel funny around carpenters.

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Filed under About Me, The Crazy People I Call My Own, The Funny Thing About Family Is That You'll Always Be Related, WORST Things Ever

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by | August 18, 2011 · 9:17 am

Sometimes Emergency Phone Calls are Actually about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Everyone in my family knows not to call me. I rarely pick up the phone, and I never listen to voicemails. In fact, my voicemail box is currently full. Text messages and emails are definitely the best way to reach me. Unless it’s an emergency. And everyone knows that emergencies only occur late at night and early in the morning.

So when I got out of the shower this morning and saw that I had a missed call and voicemail from my parents’ house, I immediately feared the worst. “Please don’t let it be another death,” I thought to myself, because God knows we’ve had enough of those in the past few years. “Mom’s stomach was upset last night,” I worried. “She might be in the hospital.” Or, “maybe Dad actually went into some kind of Cheez-It induced coma.” Whyyyyyyyy were they calling me so early? It doesn’t help that Blackberries notify you in 18 different ways that you have a missed call. It’s very alarming. I gathered all my strength and dialed them back. Mom answered and immediately started talking:

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Filed under It's All Going In The Book, The Crazy People I Call My Own, The Funny Thing About Family Is That You'll Always Be Related

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by | August 17, 2011 · 1:31 pm

These Sneakers Had a Lot of Sole

R.I. P.

Alright, so I’m not going to say this was my mom’s fault, but I am going to say that she’s to blame.

As we all know, Jeanie Carroll has an undeniable knack for forcing people to do things they don’t want to do, and several times in my life this something I didn’t want to do was go for a long walk while a natural disaster/storm was happening outside.

During the Blizzard of 2001, Jeanie made me, Jamie and Jack the Dog walk all the way to the Holleder Center to catch Dad’s basketball practice. Halfway there, Jack’s glom was frozen to his face, and Jamie kept screaming “I’m not in a very good place!” When Jeanie came to visit me in January 2010, she forced me to walk the 3 miles to and from Zaftigs in Coolidge Corner. My body hurt so, so much the next day, since I was bracing myself for a fall on the ice the entire time. And most recently, in North Carolina last weekend, Jeanie led a group along the “trails” of Cary, only to be caught in a torrential downpour from which my clothes have still not dried. And this, of course, resulted in the destruction of my most beloved sneakers.

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