I'll take "Things I Can't Do" for $200.
As a Passport Card-carrying member of New York Sports Club, I will proudly say that exercise is the most important meal of the day. Switching over from the Boston Sports Club at the beginning of this month, I was excited about the bevy of classes and fitness advantages I would be getting as a member, including the free fitness evaluation I was offered when I signed up. “Do you want an ass-kicker, or someone who’s going to baby you?” the manager asked as he filled out my profile form. “Oh, an ass-kicker,” I responded, so confident, so cool. Kelly, stick to what you know. You are neither of these things. And, as always, be careful what you wish for.
I approached my evaluation with some trepidation. I was nervous that the trainer would ask me to do something really hard and I’d fail miserably, never to work out again for the rest of my life. I don’t know where that was coming from, since I’ve been working out my whole life, but I know I’m not the world’s greatest athlete, and there are things I don’t do as well as others. I blame my parents for having very low muscle mass. I’m not saying they’re not in shape, because they very much are, but all three of us are just really, really white.
Alright, so I’m not going to say this was my mom’s fault, but I am going to say that she’s to blame.
As we all know, Jeanie Carroll has an undeniable knack for forcing people to do things they don’t want to do, and several times in my life this something I didn’t want to do was go for a long walk while a natural disaster/storm was happening outside.
During the Blizzard of 2001, Jeanie made me, Jamie and Jack the Dog walk all the way to the Holleder Center to catch Dad’s basketball practice. Halfway there, Jack’s glom was frozen to his face, and Jamie kept screaming “I’m not in a very good place!” When Jeanie came to visit me in January 2010, she forced me to walk the 3 miles to and from Zaftigs in Coolidge Corner. My body hurt so, so much the next day, since I was bracing myself for a fall on the ice the entire time. And most recently, in North Carolina last weekend, Jeanie led a group along the “trails” of Cary, only to be caught in a torrential downpour from which my clothes have still not dried. And this, of course, resulted in the destruction of my most beloved sneakers.
Remember when the BSC promised me that I was going to workout there and look like Kate Middleton? Well, I still don’t, and while I’m not saying that I look bad or anything, I want to look like Kate Middleton and the BSC hasn’t been as supportive of that as their advertising may have claimed.
Anyway, now we have this new BSC campaign, promising to get politicians in shape for their next photo scandal. Yes. Ok. I see what you’re doing here. Obviously this poster has caught my eye and I’m now re-posting it here for the whole world to see. But Anthony Weiner’s wiener is not something I need to be thinking about while I’m in my yoga class. It’s not a calming influence. And didn’t he take a lot of those pictures in the Congressional gym? Like, do we really want to be promoting that? I know there’s some crazies that work out at the BSC, so let’s not give them any ideas that it’s ok to use their cameraphones in the locker room.
Ok. I just needed to get that out. Carry on.