Teen Mom and Eyeliner, the Untold Story

Over the past few years, I’ve done my best to avoid shows like 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, because they depress me. However, recently I’ve become intrigued by Teen Mom 2, the second season of MTV’s beloved (is beloved the right word here?) series. After some serious over-analysis of the show’s first two episodes, I have a few observations I feel need to be shared:

1. Most of these girls are southern, right? They have southern accents, so I’m assuming they are. But sometimes when I drink tequila I get a southern accent, so this is not a definite. Sometimes when I’m really drunk I can speak Spanish. Hola.

Anyway, what exactly is going on in the South that these girls have nothing better to do than have unprotected sex? I’ve been to many of the southern states, and while it’s very hot and there are a lot of Wal-Marts, they have not had the same effect on me. Must be something in the sweet tea.

2. Most of these girls have really effed-up family lives. I’m not Dr. Phil (thank God), but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say these girls are lonely, looking for affection, and will take it wherever they can get it. Their pregnancies are a projection of those feelings. Again, I’m not licensed to practice therapy, but this is pretty obvious. Not to name names, but some people fill the void with food, ladies. You should try that instead.

3. I truly believe a direct correlation can be drawn between teen pregnancy and an overabundance of eyeliner. Have you ever seen these girls? There’s nothing but black eyeliner and mascara for days. I didn’t wear eyeliner in high school, and I don’t have a kid, so I think this theory’s pretty rock solid. With that said, none of the girls on Jersey Shore have children – that I know of – and they all wear way too much eyeliner. But I could argue that they didn’t start wearing it until they turned 20, and therefore avoided the teen pregnancy sinkhole.

Related, but not really, it fascinates me to watch these girls cry. The de-evolution of their makeup as the tears come down their face is like watching the fall of the Roman Empire (that makes no sense, strike it from the record).

So has Teen Mom 2 finally hooked me into the pregnant-before-you-can-actually-handle-it-thereby-perpetuating-the-cycle-that-is-currently-paralyzing-our-nation franchise? Obviously. But only in the same way the Real Housewives of PamperedandObliviousville have captivated me.