Teen Mom and Eyeliner, the Untold Story

Over the past few years, I’ve done my best to avoid shows like 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, because they depress me. However, recently I’ve become intrigued by Teen Mom 2, the second season of MTV’s beloved (is beloved the right word here?) series. After some serious over-analysis of the show’s first two episodes, I have a few observations I feel need to be shared:

1. Most of these girls are southern, right? They have southern accents, so I’m assuming they are. But sometimes when I drink tequila I get a southern accent, so this is not a definite. Sometimes when I’m really drunk I can speak Spanish. Hola.

Anyway, what exactly is going on in the South that these girls have nothing better to do than have unprotected sex? I’ve been to many of the southern states, and while it’s very hot and there are a lot of Wal-Marts, they have not had the same effect on me. Must be something in the sweet tea.

2. Most of these girls have really effed-up family lives. I’m not Dr. Phil (thank God), but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say these girls are lonely, looking for affection, and will take it wherever they can get it. Their pregnancies are a projection of those feelings. Again, I’m not licensed to practice therapy, but this is pretty obvious. Not to name names, but some people fill the void with food, ladies. You should try that instead.

3. I truly believe a direct correlation can be drawn between teen pregnancy and an overabundance of eyeliner. Have you ever seen these girls? There’s nothing but black eyeliner and mascara for days. I didn’t wear eyeliner in high school, and I don’t have a kid, so I think this theory’s pretty rock solid. With that said, none of the girls on Jersey Shore have children – that I know of – and they all wear way too much eyeliner. But I could argue that they didn’t start wearing it until they turned 20, and therefore avoided the teen pregnancy sinkhole.

Related, but not really, it fascinates me to watch these girls cry. The de-evolution of their makeup as the tears come down their face is like watching the fall of the Roman Empire (that makes no sense, strike it from the record).

So has Teen Mom 2 finally hooked me into the pregnant-before-you-can-actually-handle-it-thereby-perpetuating-the-cycle-that-is-currently-paralyzing-our-nation franchise? Obviously. But only in the same way the Real Housewives of PamperedandObliviousville have captivated me.

4 Comments

Filed under TV FANatic, WORST Things Ever

4 responses to “Teen Mom and Eyeliner, the Untold Story

  1. Katie

    “But sometimes when I drink tequila I get a southern accent”

    LOVE

  2. lisa rose

    I have to say…I totally agree with your observation. While we’re on the subject, why is Kailyn still living with the ex-boyfriend who treats her like crap! One word…stupidity

  3. alli

    i hereby (hearby?) license you as a therapist based on #2. #3 i totally agree with, and i’d like to add a corollary that there also seems to be an overabundance of (mostly bad) french manicures. go ahead and complain about not having enough moola for diapers when you’ve got that situation with the nails going on….

  4. Katrina Manning

    your so STUPID.
    EYELINER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WAY PEOPLE ARE! YOUR OBVIOUSLY A VERY IGNORANT PERSON TO MAKE JUDGEMENTS OFF OF MAKE UP. PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE ME SICK.
    YOU SHOULD GO GET HELP.
    I AM A TEEN MOM AND TO BE HONEST IT IS HARD BUT YOU ARENT ONE SO YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE THESE GIRLS.
    WHEN YOU BECOME A MOM YOULL UNDERSTAND.
    GET OVER YOURSELF AND GET A LIFE AND STOP PICKING ON OTHER PEOPLES LIFE.

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