Category Archives: WORST Things Ever

Things That Could Have Been Brought to My Attention YESTERDAY

Balloon mass genocide.

Remember when you were little, and you would innocently let go of your red helium balloon and watch it fly in the air, up, up and away, and then you’d start to cry when you realized it would never come back and your parents yelled at you for letting a balloon go in the first place because it could choke the birds?

Well, eff the birds because what our parents (and quite frankly the United States government) should have been telling us is that we were wasting inordinate amounts of helium and when we’re adults we’ll no longer have enough to cool the medical equipment being used to keep us all alive. Yeah, that’s right. You didn’t know that your old age was going to be dependent on the stuff you used to suck on to make your voice all squeaky and high? Well don’t you look stupid.

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Billboard Owners Replace Jennifer Aniston with Evil Egg McMuffin

Talk about your mixed signals.

So I was finally getting used to seeing this on the walk from my office to the gym everyday – and actually found it to be pretty motivating – only to pass by the billboard today and see the lovely McDonald’s ad to your right staring back at me.

What the eff, McDonald’s? If you keep hitting me with this (not so) subliminal advertising, I’m going to start to think that Egg McMuffins are good for me. Next thing you know I’ll be 300 lbs. and yelling for someone to order me a McRib. This is a travesty!

Side Story: my soon-to-be-8-year-old cousin/godson (who I’m assuming reads this blog?) made his mom buy me a bottle of Smartwater to further my quest in getting Jennifer Aniston’s body. This led me to two conclusions: 1) Children read my blog and I should maybe try to make it a little more thought-provoking and educational (yeah, good luck with that). 2) I have not yet reached Aniston-status in the mind of said 8-year old. Gotta get to the gym!

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I Don’t Know Why Taiwan Keeps Animating Everything, But I’m Glad They Do

Pretty soon, people in Asia are going to think that all Westerners are animated cartoons. And I’m ok with that, as long as Taiwan keeps giving me the low down on how things really went down in America’s biggest news stories. Below, the entire reenactment of Steven Slater’s glorious JetBlue outburst.

There are no subtitles, but there are bleeps, so we can get the picture. The Taiwanese also make (maybe not) a big leap in assuming that Slater is gay, which I haven’t read in any reports. I guess in Asia, male flight attendant automatically means you have a same-sex lover waiting for you at home in his boxer shorts. Astute profiling Taiwan, very astute.

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