Category Archives: WORST Things Ever

Things Could Have Gone Better Today

Today was not a no good, horrible, very bad day, but it definitely could have gone better for a multitude of reasons which are as follows:

1) I woke up to Joe Nolan telling me that all 4, 5, and 6 trains were experiencing significant delays due to a train derailment. Hm. The MTA has successfully cut off the only way I know how to get to work aside from walking and taking a cab. Don’t try to mind eff me MTA!!!

2) I saw a vulture attack a squirrel on my drive to the train station. Like, National Geographic-quality swooping. I think nature may have turned on us.

3) I miraculously found the R train and discovered that it also goes downtown and also has a stop at 28th Street. But, wait…is that blood on the subway titles? Yes. Yes, it is.

4) Leaving work, my elevator car landed on the first floor a little harder than usual, and some robotic voice said “Don’t be alarmed. We are experiencing technical difficulties.” Um, I’m alarmed. I’m sorry. Can’t be helped.

5) I saw my first subway rat. Who’s officially a New Yorker now, bitches??? But seriously. Nature. Turning on us.

6) I had the most crowded subway commute since I moved here (due to ongoing delays on the 4, 5, 6) and no one grabbed my ass. I mean, this is a win, but I couldn’t help but be a little offended.

Oh, Mondays.

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Voicemail: The Worst Thing in the World

My mentor Rob Delaney recently tweeted that the worst thing you could do to someone is leave them a voicemail. Ok, he’s not my mentor. We’ve never met. But he might be one of the funniest comedians on the planet right now (while also being the most disgusting), and now I want to bask in his awesomeness. I also wholeheartedly share a lot his world views, like his sarcastic anti-marijuana PSAs and his belief that cursing makes everything better. And now we share a mutual hatred of the voicemail, technology’s most fatal cancer.

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A Little Thing I’d Like to Call “Second-Day Hangover”

The face of Second Day Hangover

We all know that there are very few things in life worse than a hangover. Ok, so that’s not true. I guess there are more than a few worse things, like death, war, the economy, etc. But when you’re hungover you don’t think about these things. Because hungover people are so self-absorbed.

Anyway, lately, after experiencing several days of the expected and warranted full-fledged hangover, I’ve come to find that the day after that does not bring with it the much prayed for relief, but rather a feeling that is less bad, yet oddly similar. And I would like to refer to this feeling as “Second Day Hangover.” It’s a real thing.

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