Tag Archives: Humor

by | June 9, 2011 · 9:21 am

This is So Not How You Become the Pippa Middleton of a Wedding

As has become apparent I’m sure over the past few months, I was/am obsessed with the royal wedding, in particular the rising star of one Pippa Middleton. So much so that, moments after the world’s most famous sibling entered Westminster Abbey, I was proclaiming that I would be the Pippa Middleton of not one, not two, but all of the weddings I have to attend in the next year or so. Meaning, I was going to upstage everyone, be the best dressed, etc. Oh, wishful thinking.

My first attempt came at the Memorial Day nuptials of my cousin RJ. To say I crashed and burned would be an understatement. But instead of being upset or going on the defensive, I’m owning it, and because of that, I’m going to give all of you the definitive guide on what not to do at a wedding, family function, or really anytime you’re in public. This is How Not to be the Pippa Middleton of a Wedding. You’ll thank me later.

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by | June 8, 2011 · 10:57 am

Birth Watch 2011: Natalie Portman and her Teenager for a Baby

So, it’s been quite awhile since we saw Natalie Portman and her very, very pregnant stomach at the Oscars in February. And over a month ago, I had a very long conversation with my friend Audrey about how Miss Natalie can’t possibly be pregnant for very much longer. Well, she still is, and quite frankly, I think people should be a little more concerned about it.

Natalie Portman has been pregnant for about 17 months now, and while I am certainly not a doctor (although I did put my cold symptoms into WebMd today and I most definitely have SARS), even I know this is way too long. She is a tiny girl, and if this baby grows inside her any longer, it may just overtake her body and use it as its own (this is the most accurate description of childbirth I can give you). This could mean a great loss to the film community, since Natalie, as of late, has become the only actress that stars in movies anymore.

So if you see her in the street tell her to get on with it already. If not for her, or her baby, then for the sake of Thor at least.

Update: Natalie Portman has given birth to a baby boy. This blog surely was the catalyst.

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by | June 7, 2011 · 10:31 am

An Open Letter to My Voice, Which Has Gone Missing

Dear My Voice,

It’s been 4 days since you left, and I can safely say that they’ve been the hardest 4 days of my life. I know that I’ve put you through a lot in the past few weeks, but I don’t think that this is any reason to abandon our relationship. I really think we can make this work.

I’m sorry for sleeping with the air conditioner on. I know how you hate that. I’m sorry for that terrible rendition of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby Magee on the bus back from RJ’s wedding. It was pitchy at best. I’m sorry for recounting my life story to that random couple at Tavern in the Square Friday night. I was drunk and, I know that’s no excuse, and I fully admit it was wrong. It was right around that time when we were last together. So I’m guessing that was the last straw for you.

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